Richfield, England
Reading Festival
August 23, 1991
Instantly, I'm insanely jealous of her. I don't even want Kurt to introduce me to her. It'll just make me feel like he likes her more than me.
"Kaitlyn, this is Kim Gordon," Kurt introduces us. "Kim, this is Kaitlyn."
"Nice to meet you," She smiles and shakes my hand.
I shake back her hand, and am completely taken aback by how calm and collected she is. I'm surprised that Kurt isn't dating her. If I was him, I would ditch me for her.
"Nice to meet you, too," I flash her a smile and awkwardly stand next to Kurt.
"So, I hear that you're dating Kurt."
I get butterflies in my stomach from hearing that. "Yeah, I am."
"You guys are so adorable together. Can I get a quick picture?"
Kurt looks at me and smiles, then nods his head. Kim steps back as Kurt wraps an arm around my shoulder. I smile at the camera and feel more relaxed than before.
I know that Kurt feels welcome with these people. He feels like he belongs, which is very hard for him to feel sometimes. I've never seen him be so open with other people besides our little group.
"Why hello!" Krist shouts as he bursts into the room. His voice echoes. "I've missed you dearly! Kurt, Kaitlyn, come on, we have to go."
"Nice meeting you!" Kim waves goodbye to us as Kurt and I run towards the stage.
We walk towards the side entrance and before Kurt walks onstage, he stops with me.
"You're going to stay right here the whole time, okay?" He asks me. "I need you to look at me in the eyes and understand what I'm saying."
"I understand what you're saying," I say slowly.
He kisses me. "Alright, I'll be back before you know it."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
He walks onstage, his leather jacket flowing behind him. It's very windy outside, so my hair is going all over the place. I grab my ponytail off of my wrist and tie my hair back. I wrap my arms around my body as I suddenly get the chills.
Kurt stops walking towards the stage and immediately runs back to me. "Do you need my jacket?"
"You don't mind?" I ask him.
He shakes his head and takes off his jacket, then wraps it around me. "It looks better on you than me, anyway."
"Go!" I rush him.
"Alright, alright. Bye."
He hoists his guitar strap over his body and plugs his guitar into the amps.
They immediately start playing and the audience cheers them on. It's amazing how just earlier this year, they were playing at a college and now they're playing at a fucking festival.
I am so unbelievably proud of them on a whole different level. I can't say that I've known them since the beginning, since I don't, but I have known them for a very long time.
They're going to be releasing their new record next month and Kurt is excited for it. I would be, too, if I was him. I see the way that music affects him and how it makes him feel.
It's almost like music is his high. He really gets off to it. Whenever I catch him writing lyrics for songs, he always gets embarrassed in the beginning, but he ends up showing me all of these new songs that he's made up.
Kurt's vocals impress me the most. He can go from screeching to singing softly in a matter of seconds. I don't understand how his vocal chords aren't so fucked up.
"They're good, aren't they?" Someone asks me.
I turn my neck and see Kim standing right next to me. "Yeah, they really are."
I sit down and continue to watch them.
"You got lucky," Kim tells me. "Kurt is a one-of-a-kind."
"I know," I smile. "I'm the luckiest girl in the world."
---------------
After they finish their set, I jump up and clap for them. But, it seems like Kurt isn't done yet.
He stands in front of the amps and starts messing around with his guitar. Then, he steps back and continues to step backwards all the way to the end of the stage.
What the fuck is he doing?
He answers my question for me. I look at what is directly in front of him.
Dave's drumset.
He's going to jump into the drumset.
He's going to hurt himself jumping into his drumset.
But it's too late. He runs across the stage, jumps up, and lands straight onto the drums.
The audience cheers for him as soon as he lands, but all I want to do is run up to him and make sure that he's alright. Kim is laughing harshly and I stare at her like she's an insane person.
The backstage crew swarms him and helps him out. He walks behind the amps and waves to the crowd. He grabs his waterbottle and then walks back towards me.
He doesn't look upset or hurt. In fact, he looks quite the opposite. He looks like a kid that just walked into a candy shop.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses me. "Oh my, that was exhilarating!"
"Are you okay?" I ask him.
He backs up. "K, I'm better than okay. Let's go!"
He wraps an arm around me and we walk past everyone and leave.
----------------------------
"Do you remember the first day we met each other?!" Kim chuckles and asks Kurt.
"Yeah," Kurt chuckles as he thinks about it.
I'm feeling so jealous. They're reminiscing on their times that they spent together.
"So, get this," Kim leans forward and faces me. "I was backstage with the band and Kurt walks in and he walks up to me and goes, 'You guys were really...neat'. This is from a segment from a Madonna interview or something like that; I don't remember. And I jokingly gag. Then, he opens his champagne bottle and starts spilling the drink everywhere. Everyone runs out and then he throws the bottle at the wall."
Kurt and Kim are laughing hysterically, so I try to force myself to laugh, but i can't bring myself to do it.
I'm an insanely jealous person and I hate myself for it. I never had to worry about Ethan getting with any other girl because I was the only girl that he was around. But Kurt seems to know multiple women and I can't help but get scared that he's going to like them better than me.
"You alright?" Kurt asks me.
I nod my head. "I'm doing fine. I just need to go to the bathroom really quick."
"Let me come with you," Shelli offers.
"Why?" I ask her, standing up. "I need to go to the bathroom."
"Come on, Kaitlyn, I know that's not what's going on."
I'm starting to get furious. "So you're telling me that you want to go in there with me? What if I had to take a shit, huh? Or what if I bled through my fucking underwear, huh?"
I walk off to the bathroom and slam the door behind me.
I feel broken and empty. I've never felt this way before. I'm pretty sure that jealousy should not feel this way, but I'm feeling all of these feelings at once.
I'm feeling angry, sad, jealous, worried, and every single term under the umbrella. I don't know what to do with myself.
The last time I've felt these intense feelings, I hurt myself.
I suddenly have a hard time breathing. I didn't even realize that I was crying. I take a deep breath in, then out. I try to stand up, but I immediately become light-headed.
I search the bathroom for anything that I could use and I spot my razor on the edge of the sink. My hand trembles as I reach for it.
I twirl it around my fingers and think about what would happen right now if I were to do it. Of course Kurt would see, but then he would probably break up with me because I'm so fucked up. He would break up with me and marry Kim Gordon.
I lay my arm out in front of me and press the blade to my skin. I drag it across my wrist, going harder the further I go. I don't make it too far before I hear a knock on the door.
"Kaitlyn!" A voice booms from the other side of the door-Krist. "What's going on?"
I stare at myself with wide eyes in the mirror. I look down at my wrist and there's barely any blood, but there's still some. I rinse off the razor and my wrist, getting rid of any evidence that I had just hurt myself.
"Kaitlyn," Kurt says. He sounds concerned. "Can you open up the door?"
I don't want to open the door. I don't want to face anyone after my outburst. They probably all think that I'm a freak and that I don't belong here.
I wish that I never came in the first place and that I just stayed home. This lifestyle is not for me; I don't know what I was possibly thinking.
"Kaitlyn!" Kurt yells. "Holy shit, no she didn't. Kaitlyn! Open the fucking door!"
"What's going on?" I hear Krist ask.
"I think she fucking killed herself," Kurt is pounding on the door now, but that's only making me more scared.
I think back to the time where my father would pound on the bathroom door whenever I wouldn't open it. By the time that I did open it, he would be so furious with me that he would beat me senseless.
I don't want Kurt to do that to me.
I rush to the door and open it. Kurt's standing in front of me with puffy, red eyes. He hugs me tightly and starts to sob.
"Goddamnit, Kaitlyn," Krist exhales.
I hold onto Kurt tighter, feeling terrible for the thoughts that I was having minutes ago. No one should ever have to put their boyfriend in a position to where they think that their girlfriend was dead.
"I'm so sorry," I sob.
He lets go of me. "Let's go for a walk."
"A walk?"
"Mhm," He grabs his sunglasses that were on the bed and puts them on my face, then puts some on his. He grabs us both jackets and we walk out of the room without saying a word.
He holds my hand the entire time. Even when we walk outside, he doesn't let it go.
I feel terrible for what I did to him-to make him worry like that or even think that I would ever do that.
"Why did you think that I killed myself?" I ask him.
He stops walking and pulls me off to the side of the sidewalk, away from everyone else. "Because I thought that you did. I don't know; you had been acting really different and I know that you have some issues. I know that you hurt yourself and I don't know if something happened to where you felt the need to end your life."
"God," I sigh and look around, trying to not make eye contact with Kurt, but then I look straight into his eyes. I need him to know that I really mean what I'm about to say. "I would never do that, Kurt. I would never, ever do that, okay?"
He nods his head and tears up again. "I don't want to lose you, K. I can't lose you. I can't-"
I put my hands on either side of his face. "You're not losing me. I'm right here."
"You promise that you would never kill yourself?"
"I promise that I will never kill myself. Now you promise."
"I promise that I will never kill myself."