After playing two concerts two days in a row, Krist, Dave, and Kurt finally got a break and we were taking today to rest. They had two more concerts tomorrow and the day after, though. After that, we were going to be leaving.
I am disappointed that we're going to be leaving. I've never left the country before, so this has been really nice to be somewhere new.
Dave thought that I wasn't going to be able to go-he assumed that I didn't have a passport. My father got me a passport when I was thirteen in case he just wanted to leave to go out of the country with me. He talked about it to me a lot. He always told me how one day he was going to take me to Germany.
We never did, thankfully.
"You're literally the one that got arrested!" Krist raises his voice at Kurt. They've been going back and forth, insulting each other for the past half hour.
"You got arrested?" I raise my eyebrows.
"It was stupid," He shrugs it off as if everyone gets arrested.
"No, no, what did you get arrested for?"
He starts to chuckle. "I spray-painted 'God is Gay' on a wall."
Krist and Kurt start to laugh, but I sit still with a straight face. I don't find that funny. I find that a little rude because there's people out there that heavily believe in God. That would probably be really insulting to them.
"What's the worst thing you've ever done?" Kurt asks me.
As soon as he asks that, I know what the worst thing I've done is and it is terrible.
I shake my head violently, not ready to tell him that yet. If I tell him, he'll for sure break up with me and I can't handle that yet. He would probably get mad at me, too. "That's a conversation for a different time."
Dave walks out of his bedroom with his hair soaking wet. He must've just taken a shower. He takes a seat across from us and listens to Kurt trying to persuade me to tell him.
"Why don't you want to?" Kurt asks.
"Because it's really bad and you're going to break up with me if I tell you," I bury my face with my hands, but spread apart the fingers that are over my eyes to still see Kurt.
Kurt looks offended by what I just said. "You really think that I'm breaking up with you?"
"If you hear this, you're going to break up with me, Kurt."
He pulls my hands off of my face and holds them. "I would never break up with you."
"You can't say that because I can do something that-"
He cuts me off. "Why would I break up with you if I heard this?"
"Because it's...violent."
"Tell me," He leans back. "If I break up with you after hearing this, you can punch me, alright? You can beat me up all you want."
I roll my eyes, really believing him. The way that he looked into my eyes and told me that he would never break up with me really did something to me. It's indescribable. "When I was sixteen, I was fed up with the way my father was treating me. I came up with a plan, so one night, I grabbed one of the guns he had-I knew where he kept it, but he didn't know that I knew-and as he was watching TV, I came up behind him and I was going to shoot him in the back of the head. I really wanted to. But, I realized what I was doing in that moment. I was really going to kill someone. I ran to the bedroom and put the gun back, and I started crying and I hugged him and apologized to him. He was so confused and ended up getting mad at me for interrupting his show. He hurt me after that, but I was grateful for it, I guess."
Kurt blinks his eyes viciously. "Why the fuck would you be grateful that he hurt you?"
"Because he wasn't dead," I shrug my shoulders.
"Now, see, if I was you, I would've killed that motherfucker," Dave chimes in. I completely forgot that Krist and Dave were in the room. It felt like it was just Kurt and I.
I chuckle softly. I can't help but stare at Kurt to see what he's feeling. Does he think I'm a monster? I mean, I am. Who could possibly ever kill their father? I mean, thinking it is already bad, but actually grabbing the gun and almost doing it is on a whole different level.
I hurt myself later that night to punish myself for ever thinking like that. My father deep down loved me and he would never kill me. Yet here I was, almost killing him.
"You're insane for not pulling that trigger," Kurt jokes.
"Yeah, I would've done it," Krist threw his hands up in the air.
I smile, thankful that none of them think I'm crazy and are instead just joking around with me. Especially Kurt.
------------------------------------------
I giggle and push his hands away before he can tickle me. "Kurt, I don't like being tickled. I'm going to go take a shower. I'll be right back."
I walk out of the bedroom and into Dave's and Krist's. I knock on the door and Dave opens it up.
"Hey, is it alright if I use the shower?" I ask him.
He nods his head. "I'll let Krist know once he comes back."
I thank him and walk back into my bedroom to retrieve my clothing and toiletries.
"Are you sure you don't need help?" Kurt looks up at me with his puppy eyes.
"I was close to killing my father; I can kill you, too," I smirk at him.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's a little harsh."
I give him a little peck on the lips, then make my way out the bedroom and into the only bathroom the hotel has. I shut the main door and walk into the bathroom, noting how messy it is.
God, men are so disgusting.
I take off my shirt and bra, then place them down on the ground and start the shower. Then, I take off my pants and underwear. I stare at myself in the mirror and I never want Kurt to see me like this.
It's disgusting. My body is disgusting. I'm basically Frankenstein. And the worst part is that is that this isn't even my fault. I didn't even do this to myself. All of the scars were done by someone else-except for the ones on my arms, but those ones are gone now.
I grab my brush and start brushing my hair. I hear voices coming from the bedroom, so I stick my head out to see if anyone is there. All of a sudden, Krist comes into my view and his eyes widen as soon as he sees me.
We both scream and he runs out of the bedroom.
I stand there in shock, shaking violently.
My brother just saw me naked.
Is that illegal?
I get into the shower and try to act like that didn't just happen.
I chuckle softly to myself at how ridiculous that was and how embarrassed I am. I should've locked the door or something.
Didn't Dave tell him that I was in the shower?
After I finish showering, I put my pajamas on and wrap my hair up in a hair towel.
I grab all of my belongings and hesitate to open up the door, I know that it's going to be awkward between Krist and I after what just happened.
I was literally just thinking about how I didn't want Kurt to see my body, but then Krist sees. I absolutely hate that. Why couldn't it have been Kurt? Why did it have to be Krist?
I take a deep breath in, then out, and I open up the door to find Krist sitting on the couch next to Dave.
Dave looks at me with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry. I was talking to Kurt when Krist came in." But after he finished his sentence, he was trying to hold back his laughter.
"That is literally the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me," I say out loud. "Dave, this is all your fault." I start to laugh, too.
With them, things aren't so serious. If something bad happens, they make light of it. It's probably because they're boys, but it's really refreshing.
"I'm sorry," Krist looks at me and starts to laugh obnoxiously.
Kurt walks out of the bedroom and as soon as he sees me, he starts to laugh. He must know what happened.
"God, that's embarrassing," He chuckles, but then starts laughing again.
I love when Kurt is happy.
Because when Kurt is happy, I'm happy.