I have never been through a breakup before in my life. I've been through a lot of shit, but I feel like this is definitely at the top.
I feel...empty. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to take care of myself. Ethan was the only reason why I took care of myself.
God, he was probably the only reason why I am still alive.
I'm scared I'm going to go down a path that I'm not going to be able to come back from. If that happens, I don't know what I'll do with myself.
I haven't gotten out of bed since last night.
Since I've been broken up with.
I don't want to do anything.
I want to feel nothing.
I can't even cry anymore. I cried too much last night and this morning.
I don't even know how long I've been in the bed for this morning.
There's a knock on the door.
I groan softly. I don't want to speak to anyone.
"Kaitlyn, it's me," Shelli says. "Can I come in?"
"I don't want to talk to anyone right now," I say, my voice sounding terrible.
"Someone's here to see you."
My heart skips a beat.
I shoot out of bed and run out of the room to find Ethan standing in the doorway.
His whole expression changes when he sees me. His eyes are puffy and red and he just looks...terrible. I do, too.
"Hey," He says softly.
I nod my head. "Hi."
"Um, listen, what I did last night was a dick move. Can we talk?"
I nod my head again, then walk into the bedroom. I sit down on the bed and he shuts the door behind us as he walks inside.
"I'm sorry for everything that happened last night," He leans against the door. "I mean, I was super fucking angry and I took it out on everyone. I mean, everyone. God, Kaitlyn, I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, too," I croak, so I clear my throat. "Um, I mean, I approached the situation in a terrible way. I should've been...better at it, I guess."
"Well, I don't know about that," He awkwardly chuckles.
It's so awkward and tense between us. It seems like we're two strangers who got into an argument and are trying to make up the next day. What happened to us? We've never been like this before.
"So," He continues. "I just wanted to come and apologize."
"Oh," My stomach drops once again. "That's all?"
"Well, yeah. Were you expecting something else?"
"Nope, not at all," My voice cracks as I attempt to stop my crying, but nothing seems to be working.
"Kaitlyn, come on," He walks over to give me a hug.
I push him away. "No, that will just make it harder, Ethan."
He sighs. "Alright. Listen, how about we make a deal?"
"What is that deal?"
"I have to go film another movie. How about after I'm done, I come back and we see where we're at? Maybe we can start a new life together."
I can't imagine waiting for a year just for him to come back. But at the same time, I really want to. Things with Ethan just feel...right. I've always assumed that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, but after last night, I don't think that we have that much a future planned ahead for us.
"Maybe," I say softly. "I'll have to think about it."
He nods his head and opens up the door. I get off of the bed to walk him out. He walks over to the couch.
"Hey, man, I'm sorry for punching your nose," He apologizes. Kurt must be sitting down in front of him.
"It's whatever," He chuckles. "I deserve it."
"Fuck yeah you do," He looks up for me, then turns around and walks away.
I follow him outside, but I leave the front door open. I have a feeling that I'm not going to be outside for a very long time.
"Listen, Kaitlyn," He walks back towards me. "I don't know how to react to that. I mean, you fucking kissed another guy, alright? I have every right to be angry. And I am very angry. I just need some time to think. There's also a lot that happened to me because of your dad and I've never really gotten over it, so this will be a good time for myself and for me to figure everything out. This doesn't have to be for forever, okay?"
Hearing that breaks my heart. He's saying goodbye.
He promised me that he would never leave and he would always stay by my side. He would love me forever. All those nights we would lay down in bed together and just talk about our future together are gone. We can't create anymore. Those are just memories in the past that we're going to have to let go.
I'm never going to be able to let it go.
I nod my head, sobbing. "I just don't want you to go."
"I know," He says one last time, crying too. "I'm sorry, Kaitlyn."
"I'm sorry, Ethan."
"Goodbye," He walks to his car, opens the door, and gets one last look at me before he drives away.
I'm never going to see him again.
-------------------------------------------------
"Come on, Kaitlyn, you have to come out!" Shelli knocks on the door right before dinner. "Dinner's ready."
"I'm not hungry," I say softly, but loud enough to where she can hear me.
"Come on!" Krist interjects. "Kurt isn't even here anymore!"
"I don't care if he is or isn't," I snap. I couldn't care less about Kurt at this point.
If he would've just left me alone and talked to Ethan on my own about the kiss, maybe Ethan and I wouldn't be broken up right now. Maybe we would be happy together and laughing about how stupid it was of Kurt to kiss me. And then Ethan would kiss me right after and tell me how much he loved me.
I start to cry yet again.
I miss Ethan terribly and I'm never going to be able to get him back. Some things that happen like that are just out of my control and there's nothing I can do about it.
I wonder if Ethan's been wanting to break up with me for a while now and this was just a perfect opportunity for him to do so. If that is true, I feel even more terrible about this whole thing.
Krist opens the door and sits down at the foot of the bed. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm living," I mumble.
He rubs my back softly. "Sorry, is that weird for you?"
I shake my head. "It feels nice."
He continues to do it. "Break-ups are hard. I remember my first break-up."
I chuckle. "You sound like a stereotypical dad right now."
He chuckles, too. "Well, my first break-up was terrible. I mean, I don't know what I did to piss her off so badly, but she was screaming at me and throwing all of my shit at me. Anyway, it was hard to get over. But it does get better."
"This is different," I sit up and face him, really looking at him for the first time today. "I mean, we shared traumatic shit with each other. He helped me with everything that I went through and he's just fucking gone like it doesn't even matter!"
Krist nods his head. "It sucks, Kaitlyn. I know it does. We have the ice cream from yesterday, though? Do you want it?"
"I don't really feel like eating right now," I admit.
He shakes his head. "Kaitlyn. I don't know if I'm going to be able to accept that answer."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want you getting in the habit of not eating. You don't even have to eat a lot of ice cream. Just a little. Please?"
I nod my head. "Fine."
"Great!" He jumps up and claps his hands. "I'll go get the ice cream. And we can gossip about all the girls that did me dirty!"
I smile for the first time today as he walks away and grabs the ice cream.
I know that Krist is going to help me get through this. I'm glad that I have people to help me get through this.
For the first time in my life, I know that I'm going to be okay.