"What do you want to listen to?" Krist asks me.
"I know nothing about music," I chuckle. "You just pick something."
He just turns on the radio and we listen to whatever's on.
Yesterday, Krist asked me if I wanted to go and do something with him today, just us two. I, of course, said yes. I don't know what we're doing because he told me that he wanted to surprise me. I honestly don't mind what we're doing. I just want to get to know Krist.
I want us to be the stereotypical older-brother younger-sister duo. I want him to be overprotective over me when it comes to everything. I want him to also be concerned for me and be nice to me.
It clicks in my head what I want him to be like: a father.
That's fucking terrible. He's my brother, not my father. I shouldn't be thinking like that.
"We're here!" Krist shouts.
I jump, startled by his sudden outburst. I unbuckle myself and climb out of the car, shutting the door behind me. "We're eating lunch at McDonald's?"
"Of course," He smiles.
He holds the door open for me, so I immediately walk in line and look at the menu. It's weird thinking about how I'm ordering here, but I'm going to be potentially working here very soon.
Krist and I order our food and he kindly pays for it. We stand by the counter and wait for our food instead of sitting at our table and having to get back up.
"It feels more like you're my child than my sister," Krist admits, chuckling softly.
"That's weird. Why do you say that?"
"Because after everything that you told me that happened with your father, I just feel very protective over you and very responsible for you. I mean, you're living with Shelli and I. It feels like we're the mother and father and you're the daughter."
I smile and then a worker shouts our number. We grab the food from him and make our way to the nearest table. Krist and I sit across from each other and start to eat.
"How's your new record going?" I ask Krist.
"It's going good," He takes a bite into his burger and chews his food. "Kurt is working really hard on it."
"Do you all write it together or does Kurt do all the work?"
"He does all the work. Kurt is a huge, fucking control freak, alright? He knows what he wants and he's going to get it done. If it doesn't sound right, he's going to keep doing it over and over again until it is right."
"Kurt's a very interesting person," I add. "Do you know about his stomach problems?"
"Yeah. Even when we met, he's had them."
"God, that's terrible. I couldn't imagine being in that much pain for so long."
Krist shoots me a look. "Kaitlyn, you kind of were."
I softly chuckle. I don't know why I did that, but I did. "I guess you're right, Krist."
"Are you excited for Ethan to come back?"
"Yes, I can't wait. We've been sending each other letters back and forth and it's so...romantic and quirky in a way."
Krist clears his throat and adjusts himself. "Remember to use protection and-"
"Oh, shut up!" I interrupt him and start to laugh. "We're not doing that right now."
"Obviously, since he's not here!"
I smile at him and continue to eat my food. "You know, we kind of look a lot like each other."
"You think so?" Krist raises his eyebrow.
"Yeah. If you got rid of all that facial hair, we would look alike."
"Maybe you just need to grow yours out."
I gasp. "How dare you say that to me."
"Our mother would still love to see you. She asks me about when she can visit and say 'hi' to you."
I shake my head. "I don't want to see her. I don't mean to be rude, but I can't."
"Why not?"
"She just sent me away. I mean, who fucking does that? And I also don't know if my father was abusive with her while they were together. If he was and she still sent me there, that's so fucked up, Krist. I've wondered that my whole life." I always thought that she didn't like me and she sent me away so she wouldn't have to deal with me and my father could "teach me a lesson."
Krist leans back in his chair. "I wish I could tell you, Kaitlyn, but I don't know if that's true or not."
"Neither do I," I shrug my shoulders, but immediately feel stupid by that statement because I didn't need to say it. I obviously didn't know if it was true or not. "Are you and Dave close with each other?"
"We're not close, but we're close(r) than most friends are."
"Do you think he feels like a third-wheel between you and Kurt?"
"Probably, but he just needs to adjust with us."
"He seems really sweet."
"He is."
"Him and Ethan's voices are the same-they're both very soft."
"I still can't get over how he screamed at you like that the day before he left."
"Again, I screamed at him, too. But we were both very emotional. He was probably really upset that he was leaving, too, and I wasn't making things better for him."
"You had every right to be upset."
I gather all my trash together and stand up. "You're right, I did. And so did he."
We throw away our trash and get back into the car and he drives home. I was under the impression that we were going to hang out and do other things, but maybe he needs to get closer with me and more comfortable around me to do that. I completely understand that.
I really enjoyed our time together. It's nice to be able to just sit with someone and talk. It has always been hard for me to talk to people that weren't Ethan, but since we've moved away from my father's house, I've been talking with people easier.
The ride home, we don't really talk to each other. We listen to the music on the radio, which is completely fine with me. I like to sit in silence and think; it puts my mind at ease.
Everytime after my father would do something to me, I would go in my room and just sit down and think. I would think about what he did and what I could've done to prevent it-what I should've done differently. I even have a journal that I would write it, but I don't want to read that anytime soon. That would be way too hard.
When we arrive at the house, I unbuckle myself and get out. The front door is already unlocked, so I just walk right in and see Kurt and Dave on the couch playing cards with each other. They both turn to me as the door opens and wave at me.
I wave back and Krist follows closely behind me. I take off my shoes and go into my bedroom. I decide to take a shower.
------------------------------------------------
I walk out of the bathroom in only a towel and my hair in a hair towel, but Shelli stops me.
"Someone's calling for you," She tells me, holding the phone out for me to grab from her.
My heart jumps as I realize it's Ethan. I take the phone from her and press it to my ear and walk into the bedroom. I love how no one commented on the fact that I was literally naked. "Hey, Ethan."
"This isn't Ethan," The voice says.
I stop in the doorway, realizing who it is.
Fuck.
No.
NO.
How did he even get their number?
Does he know where I am?
Is he here right now?
"H-Hi," My voice shakes and I softly shut my door, then sit down on my bed. My body is vigorously shaking.
"Are you fucking serious?" He growls. "Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?!"
I cover my mouth, trying to prevent him from hearing me cry. "I'm sorry-"
"Sorry won't fucking cut it!" He yells. "Where are you, Kaitlyn? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"
"I don't know the address," I softly lie to him.
He scoffs. "You don't know where you fucking are?! Are you still is New York?"
"No."
There's a pause.
I'm scared for my life at this point.
My fucking father found Krist's number. He'll probably find my address, too. I should've just gone to Canada with Ethan. Oh shit. What if my father comes here and destroys everything? He'd fuck things up for Krist and Shelli. Does he even know who Krist is?
"You're a FUCKING CUNT!" He screams at me and I whimper, not being able to hide my crying anymore. "Aww, are you crying? Shut the fuck up!"
I immediately stop crying, scared of what he'll do next. I taught myself to be able to do that. After years of being told to stop crying and getting hurt when you don't, you will do anything to not get hurt. "How did you find the number?"
"It took a lot of work, but I did it. What? You think I wouldn't notice that you fucking left?"
"No, I-I knew."
"Why did you do it, Kaitlyn? I mean, why would you ever do that? I was going to change. I was changing for you. But you left me."
I gasp. He was going to change? "Wait, you were going to change?"
"Yeah. But you fucking left. So, I guess there's no more changing happening."
I start to cry, but catch myself before I start to cry hard. "I'm sorry, Dad."
He exhales. "You escaped with that boy, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!"
I jump and cry harder. "Yes."
"You did what?"
"I escaped with the boy," I say softly.
"YOU DID WHAT?!"
"I escaped with the boy!" I sob.
"Oh my fucking God. You're a fucking slut, you know that right? Running off with random boys that you don't know. He just wants to fuck you, Kaitlyn. He doesn't want you for anything more than your body. Oh, who am I kidding? Even me saying this won't go through that FUCKING TINY BRAIN OF YOURS!"
I'm wailing at this point. It's crazy how he could still have this much control over me and he's not even in the same state as me. "I'm so sorry, Dad."
"What's the fucking address, Kaitlyn?"
"I don't know."
"WHAT'S THE FUCKING ADDRESS, KAITLYN?!"
"I don't know!" I start to wheeze. It's getting harder and harder for me to breathe.
"You're fucking useless. I'm going to find out where you fucking are, Kaitlyn. I'm going to fucking find out! And when I do, I'm killing that fucking boyfriend of yours. God knows what I'll do with you. Am I clear?"
"Yes."
"AM I FUCKING CLEAR?!"
"Yes!"
The line goes dead and I slowly lower the phone onto the bed and cry hard into my pillow.
I have to leave. I can't put Krist and Shelli through all of this. I'm just going to fly back home to my father. I'll write a letter to Ethan, but I won't tell him what I'm doing. He'll just come fly and try to help and my father would fucking kill him. I have no doubt in my mind that he would actually do that.
I really thought that things were going well. I thought that I was going to be able to pull this through, but I'm not. I just make things harder for everyone around me. Everyone around me.
There's a knock on the door, and I jump, startled.
"Kaitlyn, are you alright?" Krist asks.
I take a deep breath in, then out and force myself to stop crying. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Ethan and I just got into an argument."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"It's alright. I'll be right out."
I take off my towel and put on some pajamas. I walk out of the bathroom and sit down on the couch.
"Jesus Christ," Shelli jumps up and hugs me.
That only makes me feel worse. I'm never going to be able to experience this ever again. No one's ever going to be helping me. I'm going to be all on my own. When my father used to hit me, I would always be able to look forward to Ethan coming, but this time, no one would be coming. I'm going to be alone in this.
I'll probably be dead by the time I get home. My father's so angry at me right now; I can't imagine what he's going to do to me when I get home.
I stop thinking about it and focus on the moment and try to enjoy it. I let go of Shelli and wipe my tears.
"I'm sorry," I chuckle as I look at her white shirt that's now drenched with my tears.
"Don't worry about it," She assures me. "Krist was telling us about your time at McDonald's."
Krist looks up at me, worried. "What was the argument about?"
"Oh, nothing," I lie.
Krist becomes angry. "Did he do anything to hurt you? Did he threaten you or-"
"No, no, no," I cut him off. "We were just disagreeing about something. We'll be fine tomorrow."
"Okay. As long as you're okay, that's all I'm worried about. Do you want to play Poker with us?"
"That's alright. I'll just watch."
--------------------------------------------------
Everyone's asleep. It's the perfect time to leave. I'll take Ethan's car to the airport and leave it there. I'll tell him where it's at in the letter and mail him the keys to it, too.
I grab the phone off of the kitchen counter and walk into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I dial Ethan's number and I hold the phone up to my ear, praying to God that he'll answer.
This will be the last conversation that we ever have with each other and he doesn't even know it.
"Hello?" He answers.
I gasp. "Ethan, hi."
"You're up late."
"Yeah, well, I can't sleep. How are you, Ethan?"
"I'm doing very good. Only two more months, Katie!"
I start to softly cry. "Yeah, two more months."
"Hey, what's wrong?"
"It just feels like it's going to be forever until I see you again."
"No, it's going to go by so quickly, Katie. I can promise you that."
I take a deep breath in, then exhale. "I love that you're enjoying yourself."
"Are you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah. Krist and I had a little one-on-one day today. We ate McDonald's."
"Did you get accepted there?"
"I don't know yet."
"How was it with him?"
"Ethan, it was so nice." I cry harder as I realize that Krist and I won't be able to get any closer. This is as close as we're going to get.
"I'm glad, Katie," He yawns. "I'm going to go to sleep now. Goodnight, Katie."
I want to beg him to not leave. I want to tell him about my plan and I want him to convince me to stay, but I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone. "Goodnight, Ethan. I love you so so much."
"I love you so much more," He tells me. "Goodbye."
"Bye," I whisper as he hangs up.
I want to cry more, but I can't. I need to leave before I regret this.
All of my clothes and toiletries are packed up in a suitcase. I left everyone's Christmas gift on my bed and I left them a note. I walk out into the kitchen and grab Ethan's note, put it in the envelope, and set it on top of my suitcase. I grab Ethan's keys out of the drawer and grab all of my stuff and get ready to walk out the door.
I don't want to leave. I want to stay here forever with my family-with people who actually love me. I have a little hope for my father, though, since he said that he was going to change. I feel like he might actually change if I behave more. It's going to take a couple of years, though. These next couple of years are going to be the worst years of my life.
I feel someone touch my shoulder and I squeal. I turn around and see Kurt standing behind me.
"Where are you going?" He whispers.
I'm confused. "Why are you even here?"
"Well, after you went to sleep, I asked if I could just crash here for the night-I was super tired. Answer my question, Kaitlyn. Where are you going?"
I try to come up quickly with a lie. "I'm leaving to go stay at a friend's house."
He chortles. "Kaitlyn, what friend?"
I sigh. "I'm just leaving, okay?"
His face falls and he stands up straight. "Wait, why? Where are you going?"
"I just don't belong here. I've been doing nothing but causing more pain upon you guys and-"
"Ethan didn't call you, did he?" He asks and my stomach drops.
How does he know?
"When you get into an argument with your boyfriend, you don't look scared for your life, Kaitlyn," He tells me. "Now who called you?"
I look down at the ground, not wanting to tell him. I'm angry that he stayed the night. I'm angry that he's awake. I'm angry because I know that he's not going to let me leave and I'm just going to cause more and more pain and destruction for everyone.
"What did he say, Kaitlyn?" He asks me, his fists clenched up into a ball.
I look up at him. "I don't want him doing anything to you guys, so I'm going to be going back home-"
"You can't fucking go back there, Kaitlyn."
"I have to, Kurt."
"No. I won't let you."
I groan. "Why do you even care so much?"
"Do you know what he's going to do to you, Kaitlyn?!"
"Yes, but I deserve it. I ran away from home with a boy and-"
He puts his hands on my shoulders. "Kaitlyn, don't say that you deserve it because you don't. You didn't even do anything wrong."
"I left him all alone," I start to softly cry. "God, Kurt, I can't be having this conversation right now. I have to go."
"What can I do to make you stay?" His eyes are full of pain right now.
"There's nothing you can do, Kurt."
"I'll kill myself. I'm going to kill myself if you leave."
My eyes widen. "What the fuck?"
He groans and runs his fingers through his hair. "Kaitlyn, I really hate you for making me do this."
"Making you do-"
My words are cut off by his mouth on mine.
His mouth is on mine.
He is kissing me.
My eyes widen and he pulls away before he can do anything else.
Well, now I can't leave.
I'm in shock.
My stomach is in knots.
Kurt just kissed me.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and is staring at me. "If you leave, I'm going to follow you and I'm going to go with you."
I'm so angry at him. I leave my shit in the middle of the floor and go back into my room, shutting my door softly, despite how much I want to slam it. I sit down on my bed and lay down on my right side and shut my eyes.
Kurt Cobain fucking kissed me, knowing that I am dating someone that I am very much in love with. He knew that. He fucking knew that.
How long has he had these feelings for? Does he even have feelings for me or did he just want to do that to make me want to stay?
I'm too overthrown by the kiss to even think about the fact that I'm not going to be leaving.
I'm angry by everything that happened-everything that occurred. I wish that I had never left my father's house.
I'm more angry at the fact that as much as I am supposed to hate the kiss, I don't.
I didn't hate the kiss at all.