November 2015
**YOUR POV**
„Remember the times we had when we toured together last time? The beautiful memories we made together? I'll never forget you telling me to enjoy every second of life and just go with the flow after my first treatment was over and I was cancerfree. You said: „Let's just have fun, don't worry about anything and live our lifes to the fullest, because you never know." You had the biggest smile on your face when you said that to me. It turned out you were right when I found out I was sick again only a few years later, but looking back, I'm so thankful to have listened to you, because we experienced and saw so many things. We got to travel the world together while on tour and see so many different countries as a couple. It was so special. You took me on the most romantic dates and we had so much fun exploring the cities during the day and performing at night. You always looked after me and protected me. You made sure I was okay, always... Thank you for giving me a second chance at life, Harry. You made me look at it differently, with more joy and less worries. You're such a special person, Haz. It's been five days you've been here without any sign of you waking up. I miss you so much, baby." I admitted, sitting on the edge of his bed with lots of pictures of the two of us surrounding me as I tried to maybe help him getting closer to wake up with memories from the past.
It's been five days, five long days since Harry's accident and we were all still waiting and hoping for a miracle to happen for him to wake up.
The doctor said with telling him stories from the past it could be possible to set something off in his brain since he was able to hear everything we said and maybe help him wake up.
„Remember when we celebrated your birthday somewhere in Italy, your favorite country to visit and we celebrated so hard until we got so drunk that we both spent the night curled up in our hotel bathroom? Your party went down in history for sure. We danced so much and had the most fun." I let out a laugh at the memory. It was such a special and so amazing night. „Or remember the night we just spent together at this award show a few months ago? You dragged me on stage to sing 'The time of my life'. I loved it so much. Seeing your smile was enough to make me happy."
My smile faded soon though, asking myself if we could ever experience this again together. If we could ever get the chance to be so carefree again and just go with the flow, handle life as it comes.
Anne taught us both that there were ups and downs in life, that we needed to get through them to just become stronger, but I felt like there were more downs than ups in both our lives at the moment. Whenever there were some ups, downs followed immediately, hitting even harder.
„You know, today was such a shitty day." I sighed, gently running my hand down his arm before fixing the blanket that was laid over his body to keep him warm. „Well, since the accident every day has been a shitty day, but today especially. I miss you a lot today, H. I don't know, it's just that my heart really hurts for you today. It's hard to accept this current situation. Maybe it's harder for me, because I simply don't wanna accept it. Life without you isn't as it was before, it's not life. You're missing and we all want you back. I need you, Harry. I don't know what to do without you. Without you by my side, I feel like as if I was underwater, drowning...as if I was suffocating. Come back, honey...please." I leaned forward to lightly kiss his cheek. „Please...I love you." I whispered in his ear.
„I'd stay the night with you again, but your mum would drag me out of here if I did." I chuckled. „Sorry. But I'll be back early in the morning tomorrow. I wanted to head to the beach now anyways. I mean, the beach you always go to, to clear your head. It's the place we finally got together again, so it's a special place and this time, I need to clear my head and breathe in some of the ocean air and hear the calming waves." I told him while I continuously ran my hand through his soft curls. „I thought it might be calming being there. I'd get some fresh air and try to rearrange some thoughts. Maybe it helps accepting the situation a little. I hope it's okay that I'm leaving earlier than usual. I- uhm-."
There they suddenly overcame me again, my emotions. Tears quickly falling down my cheeks as I sobbed uncontrollably. „I really need you right now, Harry." I sniffled. „I need you more than ever. I need you to tell me it's gonna be okay, that everything will be fine and we'll sort things out. Please, please wake up. I can't do this without you. I feel so lonely and lost. I hate it, I hate this. When doctor Russell told me you fell into a coma, a piece of me died inside. I couldn't and still can't believe it. Why would this happen to such a wonderful, kind and special person like you, Haz? It's not fair. You didn't deserve this." I brushed the back of my hand over his pale cheek before running it through his hair. „You have to wake up, you have to, do you hear me? I need you and I know you need me too. This can't be the end." I choked back a sob. „I won't let it be the end, okay? I'm fighting for you, praying every day, but you need to fight too. I know you can do it. You're a fighter, I know you are one, so I'm begging you to hold on and fight." My voice wasn't clear and strong as it was before, instead it was trembling more with each word, my hands already shaking and my heart beating fast at how useless I felt. If I could only help him in any way.
„You're the love of my life, you know that?" I whispered in his ear before kissing his cheek. „I love you so dearly that my heart hurts. Please fight my love. I can't lose you."
*
Not long later, after calming myself down a bit and freshening up in the restroom of the hospital, I drove out to the beach that was not far from my house, parking the car somewhere no one could really spot it so I wouldn't get noticed by someone. I could never be too careful, even at night when no one was around, there was always a chance of someone finding out my location.
I threw the hood of Harry's hoodie I allowed myself to wear over my head and made my way towards the water, slipping out of my shoes just before I reached the cold sand.
Immediately, I recognized the exact place I stumbled after him not even too long ago, declaring my love for him that I still felt after these years and we got back together. I had him back in my life only to let it all get taken away from me again.
This accident should have never happened. It was too unsafe, but no one seemed to care for it, only to it leading Harry to fall off such a height.
I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking of the images in my head when it all happened.
I sat down in the cold sand not too far away from the water, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, silently letting my tears fall again as I looked out at the ocean, the cold wind hitting me and making shivers run down my spine.
I came here to rearrange some thoughts, yet I couldn't think of anything when there was so much to think of at the moment, things to sort out. Lots of 'what ifs' circling around in my head, but desperately trying not to think of them. Of what could happen, of what we had to do, what I had to do and what the boys had to do.
I felt so many emotions in this exact moment. Sadness, emptiness, loneliness, confusion and anger, lots of anger. I was angry at myself, at the universe and at Mason. At the thought he would dare to hurt Harry in any way and really did hurt him this gravely.
More and more tears fell as I sobbed into the now cold fabric of the sleeves of my hoodie, the air cooling my body temperature down quite a bit as I soon started to freeze. I didn't care though. How could I even care about something like that when there was a lot worse going on?
I looked up again, at the water in front of me, shining and sparkling, the light coming from the moon above the ocean.
All I needed was Harry. He was all I wanted. I didn't care about anything else but Harry.
Why was the universe always against us?