Always Here: A Jay Halstead fanfic

Chapter Fifty Nine

They were working a case one that was particularly rough for Jay. He covered well but she could see right through it, she knew it was bothering him, she just didn't know why. A vigilante was killing a group of veterans who were in the same unit, claiming that they committed a war crime. They had worked several cases involving ex-military subjects but this case seemed to get to Jay and Mouse more than others.

Voight had ordered Harper and Jay to go get a statement from a witness and he hadn't even made an effort to get up. It looked like he was in another world so Harper walked up to him, gently grabbing his shoulder. "Jay we have to go," she said softly, his body feeling tense as she touched it.

In the car, his body resembled the same tenseness, it looked like his thoughts were eating him alive, Harper hoped he would trust her on this one and tell her what was going on. She glanced up at him once more before refocusing her eyes on the road.

It was the end of the day and they had gotten one lead that they would only be able to follow the next day. Voight dismissed everyone to go home but Jay said he was staying to finish up paperwork with Ruzek and Olinsky. Harper quickly said "I'll see you at home," nodding at Ruzek and Olinsky before leaving.

As she walked down the stairs her phone started ringing, "Kelly? What's up?" she asked as she reached the last step. "Can you meet me at my house?" Kelly asked. "Of course but we can't do what we usually do," Harper said, she couldn't do that, not when she was so in love with Jay. She couldn't do that to herself and she couldn't use Kelly like that either.

"That's fine, I just need you to come over," he said before hanging up. Sometimes they did this, sometimes they just needed each other's company, it helped that they didn't have the same jobs but Jay's company was always preferred just like Stella's for Kelly.

"Do you want another drink?" Kelly asked, as she turned to look at him in his apartment. "No thanks," Harper said. After a month of doing nothing but drugs and drinking after Lily died, Harper tried to turn down alcohol whenever she could.

"You never turn this stuff down. Are you sure you're alright?" Kelly asked, putting down his glass. "Yeah, after everything that happened with Lily a few months ago, I don't--" Harper said but stopped when she saw the knowing look on Kelly's face, leaving the subject.

"I really think I fucked things up with Stella Harper, she won't even talk to me" Kelly said, burying his face in his hands, getting straight to the point of why he had asked her over. Harper tried to reassure him that he didn't and their conversation had carried on for two hours.

Harper and Kelly were good friends but her and Jay's bond was unbreakable. After two hours, Harper checked the time on her watch, "I've got to go, it's late," she said. The one drink she had consumed had worn off by now. 

She kissed Kelly on the cheek before saying a quick goodbye and leaving. To her, it was acceptable for her to kiss Kelly like that since she had slept with him, but she could never do that with Jay because she knew she would always want more.

She sighed as she thought about Jay while driving to their apartment, she was worried about him. She hoped he would be home by now. When she got into the apartment, she called out his name, only to find him sitting at the table, head in his hands. "Jay, you okay?" she asked, turning on the lights. "I--uh yeah, where were you?" he asked, she looked like she had gone out.

"I met up with Kelly," she said, not thinking he would care, walking into the kitchen. She didn't notice the way he tensed up or the look of hurt that crossed his face when she mentioned Severide's name.

He sighed you have no right to act like this, you should just be happy if she's happy he told himself. He quickly gathered himself, "Oh okay, there's food in the microwave," he said, before getting up and going to his room.

Harper knew he was acting weird but she didn't know that her visiting Kelly was one of the reasons for his behavior. She was very concerned. What had happened overseas that made this case so hard for him? 

When he came out of his room, he had a duffel bag on his shoulder. Harper looked at him quizzically before he talked, "Samara is at a teaching conference, Mouse isn't taking the case well so I'm staying with him tonight," Jay said while Harper nodded.

She was about to say something but he was already out the door, leaving a very worried Harper alone in the kitchen. He knew leaving was immature but Mouse did need him, he didn't completely lie to Harper. When Mouse let him into the apartment him and Samara now shared, he looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot, his breathing was ragged, he looked like he had just had a panic attack.

"It's really bad man," Mouse said, handing Jay an envelope. "Jacobs was drunk and he confessed everything," Mouse said, "What do you mean everything?" Jay asked, he took out the contents of the envelope which included a burner phone and letter. Had Jacobs really talked about what had happened?

When he turned on the phone, there was a video, "Don't do that, I can't watch it again," Mouse said, going to his room and leaving Jay by himself in the entrance. Nothing could have prepared him for what he heard and saw when he played the video.

Jacobs had confessed everything that they had done. "....and we killed them," Jacobs voice ringed in his ears as the end of the video came near, Jay dropped the phone his breathing becoming more ragged, he tried to use the stupid breathing techniques the psychologist had told him to practice but he hadn't even listened to her.

At least it wasn't descriptive. He knew what they did was wrong and he had always felt guilty about it but now someone else knew. He ran to the toilet, throwing up the contents of his dinner before calming down. He splashed some cold water on his face, washing his mouth out before meeting Mouse in one of the rooms and reading the letter.

I know what you did, you're next.

"I already looked for fingerprints and clues, there are none. We can't tell them," Mouse said referring to the people they worked with. "We can't," Jay said, shaking his head, he knew they should come clean about everything and if it was only him in this, he would, but he couldn't do that to Mouse or the other men he served with.

Jay quickly shoved the phone and letter back into the envelope, throwing it in his bag before walking to the guest room. He knew he shouldn't be doing this to Harper, so he promised himself he would come home in a couple of days.

He just couldn't let her see him like this. Mouse walked in an hour later once he had gathered a decent amount of himself, "He's coming for us," they said in unison, pacing the room but both of them knew that that wasn't what had shaken them to the core.

They didn't care about dying, they had fought a lifetime of war. But what they over there had always haunted them. It was the reason why Mouse always seemed hyper and jumpy, it was the reason Jay completely shut down when people talked about their time overseas. They quickly ended the night, both of them too freaked out to say anything but none of them had gotten any sleep.