Always Here: A Jay Halstead fanfic

Chapter Fifty Seven

Ten minutes after he left, Harper felt horrible as she remembered the look of hurt in his eyes, she had really overreacted and the truth had to come out one way or another. She was more upset with herself when she realized that she let him go see a C.I. without even asking if he needed backup. Jay was right, if it was him, she would have done the same exact thing, he had just been concerned.

She sighed, she was supposed to have his back, be there for him and she had let him see a C.I. alone. They had always seen C.I.s together. What if something had happened to him? The way she left things, she would never forgive herself. What if those were the last words she had said to him? She swallowed a lump in her throat at the thought of the worst case scenario. Why was she being so damn emotional?

She scoffed, throwing on her shoes and running out of her apartment to Charlie's gym like she had done the last few days. Her anxiety started growing as she realized she would have to tell Jay about what happened with Emily. Your dad and Savannah can't hurt you anymore she tried to reason with herself, before swinging the doors to the gym open.

An hour later, Jay had come home, he had gotten in a fight with his C.I. about drugs and he was angry as he looked over the bruises on his face. Angry that he had let his C.I. do this to him, he really needed to keep his guard up. It was more of a bruise to his ego than to his face in Jay's eyes. He sighed, when he saw the door to Harper's room open, she had left, was she really that upset?

Harper quickly came home, hoping that Jay wasn't already there because she didn't want him to worry but when she saw the light under his door she sighed. She couldn't keep hurting him, she had to make this right. She quickly took a shower before knocking on Jay's door, not bothering to notice that it was 12 in the night. She knocked hurriedly, and when he opened the door, it was obvious he hadn't even bothered to fall asleep, he was still in his hoodie and jeans from earlier.

"Harper? What's wrong? Are you okay?" he asked, trying to scan her body for signs of trauma or intoxication. But when he saw her clear eyes and wet hair, he let out a breath. She had just taken a shower, maybe she went to a gym or something. Harper quickly threw her arms around him, squeezing him tight against her. It was a wordless gesture, thanking him for everything he had done for her. He wrapped his arms around her, rubbing soft, soothing circles in her back. "Harper, I'm okay," he said softly.

He saw the look in her eyes when she saw the bruises on his face, he would be concerned too if he saw her like that. "What happened?" she asked against his shoulder. "Just got in a fight over some disagreement," Jay said, shaking his head and pulling away, holding her at arm's length. "I'm sorry, I overreacted," she admitted as Jay's hands traveled down to her waist on instinct.

"It's okay, I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry too," he said as she sighed, walking over to his bed and sitting down. "I want to tell you," she explained, "but it's hard," she said. "Whatever it is, you can tell me," he urged.

"After my dad killed my mom, Savannah came," Harper said as Jay nodded, he already knew that. "She had a kid named Emily, my dad hated her, more than he hated Lily and I, if that was even possible so she wasn't in the picture," Harper explained.

"Emily was a good kid, she was smart, she was sweet, she was like Lily but more sensitive," Harper explained. "She's like five years younger than me, Lily and I loved her, we basically raised her" Harper said, while Jay nodded.

"When I was 16, DCFS took her, I was at a club high, too busy trying to get more drugs and Lily and I had left her alone in the house. I was supposed to take care of her and I let that happen, I thought she would have a better life with them, but she didn't," Harper said. "A couple of years ago, Hank told me that SVU had found her, he was the only one who knew about Emily, he said they found her and that she had been sold into a pedophile ring and then they sold her to a man that made child pornography and--," she whispered.

"I felt so guilty Jay. I keep thinking if I had been there I could have stopped them from taking her. I didn't contact her or anything because I knew she hated me, she probably blamed me for it." Harper sighed.

Start flashback

"Harper, why do you have to go? Why can't you stay with me?" Emily whined while Harper rolled her eyes, breaking out into a cold sweat. She needed her drugs. "Please, I don't like being alone at home," Emily said, on the verge of tears. "I have to Emily," Harper sighed. "I made you food, it's on the counter," she explained, hiding her hands behind her back to hide that they were shaking.

End flashback

"She begged me not to leave her alone at home, but I did and I still regret it everyday, her life is ruined now because of me" Harper said. "What did Savannah and your dad do?" Jay asked, carefully. "Savannah and my dad got really mad at Lily and I and they-- They weren't angry that Emily got taken, they were mad because they had a plan for Emily where she was supposed to date a drug dealer or something," Harper said, softly.

"She was my baby sister and I let that happen to her," Harper said, tears filling her eyes. She wasn't one to be emotional, she was tough, her tongue lashing could make suspects break down into tears but guilt was the one thing that got to her like no other. Jay sighed, why couldn't she see herself through his eyes?

She always blamed herself for everything, the guilt ate her alive, he knew what that was like, he had done horrible things in his past. But he did it, he deserved to feel guilty, this wasn't Harper's fault. If he ever found her dad, they would have a long session in the cage. He never roughed criminals up, he tried to play it by the book, but her dad wasn't a human, he was a monster. Him and Savannah were the reason Harper had trust issues.

"I don't know why she would want to talk to me," Harper said. "Harper look at me" Jay said, grabbing her face. "It's not your fault, nothing could have stopped them from taking her, DCFS didn't do their job right, this isn't on you, you were fifteen, you couldn't have done anything, if anything, this is on your parents and DCFS" Jay explained. Harper was scared, terrified, to contact Emily after all those years but she had to, she owed it to Emily.

"I have to talk to her Jay," Harper said. Jay nodded, he didn't like the idea of Harper digging up more of her past, having to go through all her horrible memories but he trusted her. Harper and Emily both deserved closure. "No matter what you decide, I support you, please just let me be here for you on this one," Jay said softly. Harper nodded, "Always," she said, one word that described just how long their promise would last.

She sighed, looking up, running her fingers over the bruises on his cheek because nothing seemed more intimate than the moment they had when he was sick.

"I'm okay," he said, rubbing soothing circles in her back, hugging her. "You should put some ice on it or something," Harper offered as Jay smiled, pulling her closer into him. "I'm going to go to bed, goodnight," Harper said softly, squeezing Jay tightly before releasing him and walking to her room. "Goodnight," Jay said, tiredly smiling at her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/n: This book is a slow burn and they are going to get together, I promise, but in the mean time, is there anything you would like to see happen between Jay and Harper?