Always Here: A Jay Halstead fanfic

Chapter Seventy Nine

Harper woke up to Jay rummaging through the apartment, checking the time, she guessed he would have gotten home. She looked around her room and cursed. She hadn't even remembered drinking the second bottle of alcohol. And now her head was pounding, she groaned, getting up. Grimacing as she looked at herself in the mirror. She quickly changed, not paying attention to whatever she was changing into. She stepped out of her room, looking around for Jay.

"Hey," he called out while she nodded at him. He took note of the clothes she was wearing, "Where are you going?" he asked her. She looked down, she had thrown on jeans and a top, how could she have been so stupid? "I--uh," she stuttered, straining to remember the last time she wasn't able to come up with a lie on the spot. Jay raised an eyebrow at her, "I was going to Molly's," she nodded, even though Molly's was the last place she wanted to be, because she couldn't handle the sympathetic looks and reassuring shoulder squeezes, she couldn't handle people telling her it wasn't her fault, because she knew she would always blame herself, no matter what. She didn't want to hear their heart-wrenching stories about how they had lost a victim on the job, it would only make her feel worse.

"I was just about to go there," he said while she nodded. "Come on, let's go," he said, handing her the keys while she followed, but she pressed the keys back into his hand, trying to keep the contact to a minimum, because she didn't deserve the feeling that overcame her from Jay's touch. "I think you should drive," she said, Jay glanced at her worriedly, but she just shrugged, following him. No way in hell was she going to put Jay in danger.

The short car ride was quiet, with Jay giving her worried glances every now and then, he didn't know what was going through her head. Yes, he knew her well, yes he could read her, but he couldn't read her mind. When they arrived, she quickly got out of the car. She went in, she didn't want to be doing this. Molly's had become a safe haven for first responders, but not for her anymore. Lately, it had become a place with sickening surroundings of love and support that she just couldn't handle anymore, not after she knew she didn't deserve it. But when the hell did she ever deserve it? She gasped as that thought crossed her mind, Jay glanced at her before facing the road.

And she knew most of the unit knew about the deep hole she had slipped down after Lily died, did they think she was responsible enough to keep her head above the water this time?

Probably not. She reminded herself.

She wondered why Jay still trusted her and she knew she shouldn't be doing this to him.

Could she live with ruining the best thing that had ever happened to her?

Could she live without the biggest addiction in her life? But it wasn't really an addiction, nothing harmed her. But it was definitely something she took for granted.

You selfish, dumb whore, you aren't even partners anymore the same voice that taunted her in her worst nightmares echoed in her head. And for the first time in a long time, she didn't fight it, she let it consume her, she didn't want it to shut up. She knew she was a whore, she knew she was dumb and selfish and worst of all, she knew her and Jay weren't partners anymore.

She nodded at everyone, not wanting to talk, Jay talked with the members of the team, but his eyes were focused on Harper. She looked around, trying to focus, trying to take control of her surroundings, but it was hard, she had already given up her last bits of control this afternoon.

She looked up at the TV, not focusing on whatever Ruzek was saying. The news was on. Why the fuck would you put the news on in a bar? She cursed. But her eyes still remained trained on whatever was going on. She almost dropped the shot glass she was holding when she saw what exactly was happening. Roger had killed another woman.

Thousands of questions circled her mind, why wasn't Intelligence in on this? Why the fuck are journalists so insensitive? Why the hell hadn't Homicide told them? This was their case after all. She wanted to tell them what was happening, but she couldn't, she could get the words out. Another woman had been killed because of her. More pain because of her. Her breaths started quickening, "Fuck, I've gotta go I forgot something," she said, the rest of team was too buzzed to know what was going on, but Jay wasn't, he could hear the tell tale shake in her voice and it broke his heart.

She quickly pushed past the people in the bar, no way was she going to have a panic attack in front of anyone. Keep it together Harper. She got out, slamming into the wall, all of a sudden she didn't know where she was, the only thing she knew was that another person was dead because of her, she had gotten another person killed. She felt overwhelmed, she couldn't breathe. Jay called out for her, pushing the ignorant bodies out of the way to get to her. Finally, he got outside, looking for her, he ran over to her.

"Are you alright?" he asked, taking notice of her ragged breathing. She was having a panic attack. He knew from experience how brutal those could be. "Hey, hey," he called out for her, but judging by the look in her eyes, he knew she didn't know who he was or where they were.

Everything burned, everything hurt, she felt her body giving out under her, there was a familiar voice but it seemed so far away. But she felt strong arms holding her up, rubbing up and down her arms and suddenly she realized how unusually cold it was for this time of the year. Her mind flashed between pictures of Roger raping Clarisse and the outside of Molly's.

"It's okay, it's just me Harper," he whispered, and her eyes darted to Jay's concerned blue gaze.

She wanted to say something, but she couldn't talk, she opened her mouth, but no sound came out, making her breathing quicken even more. She reached out, gripping his bicep tightly. "It's okay, you're okay, just breathe," he said, gently grabbing her shoulders, his voice seemed so far away. "But I--I can't," she said, gripping her shirt. His heart broke as he noticed the tears rolling down her cheeks, "Shh it's okay, Harper, just match my breathing," he whispered, gently brushing the tears away, and slowly he brought her back to where he was.

She was wondering why Jay was here, she had brushed him off earlier at work, she had pushed him away the entire week and he still hadn't given up on her. He gently draped his jacket over her shoulders. She glanced up again into his concerned eyes, but she avoided them for the most part, she was embarrassed, she was so embarrassed.

Shouldn't have drank that second bottle of whiskey Savannah's voice taunted in her head

She was damn lucky that no one had seen, no one had seen how weak she was, except for Jay. "Let's get you home," he whispered, she wanted to run, but she knew there was no way in hell that she would get very far like this so she nodded, letting Jay pull her into his side as he walked her to the car.

She was at a loss for words, confused, embarrassed to say the least, and everything came back to her. Another woman was murdered. Because of her. Jay glanced at her, a million questions circling his mind, he wasn't going to push her, he noticed the far away look in her eyes and decided now wasn't the right time for that. Despite his hand in hers, he felt a million miles away from her. He gently squeezed her hand before turning to the road and driving. What the hell had just happened?

On the way home, she felt numb, she didn't know what to do, she was trying to process it all, she turned in her seat looking out the window, avoiding eye contact with Jay at all costs. As soon as they got home, she ran to her room, going over more files, learning about each woman, each woman she had gotten killed, she read detail after deal, saw picture after picture and it hurt, she had ruined that, she had destroyed that.

She glanced at the never ending bag of bottles sitting in the corner of her room and her eyes darted to the empty bottles of whiskey on her dresser. Fuck this, there's no point in going back she thought. And with that knowledge, she gave in, taking the last stop off the edge of the cliff, she took another drink, taking in the feeling of the alcohol burning her throat. Who the hell was she to think she was strong enough to get through this? But what about Jay?

As if on cue, she heard him knock on the door before opening it. She froze. Shit! Jay was going to be so disappointed in her. But that was what she wanted right? For him to realize she wasn't worth it.