Always Here: A Jay Halstead fanfic

Chapter Forty One

It had been two days, 48 hours, since she had asked, more like begged, Voight to let her have her job back, with conditions of course. For the first time since she was 17, she was trying to detox from all the poison she had consumed. Her hands were breaking out into a cold sweat, she was going through withdrawal. This was always the hard part, once the drugs quit numbing her thoughts, her memories, all of them came flooding back.

Lily's death had brought back so many memories about her family, about her time undercover. Jay and Hank were right, she had to deal with it. She had to deal with the aftermath of Lily's death. Right now Hank was in her own apartment babysitting her waiting for Jay to come back from the hospital the next day. Jay, she was so grateful that he was alive.

She wanted to see him, see if he was okay but she couldn't face him, not like this, not after what she had done, not after what she had said to him. She wanted to go to the hospital and apologize but she didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve to get lost in his beautiful eyes and gorgeous features, she couldn't handle listening to his voice. How did he even want to live with her after what she had done? Would he even want to work with her next week?

She couldn't even look him in the eye after what she had done. It was her fault he had gotten kidnapped and tortured, even Hank agreed. Nothing in the world could numb the pain of losing her partner. No drug or the strongest concoction of alcohol could drown the guilt and devastation of losing Jay. He meant everything to her.

She was in her room, trying to get her shit together. This part was always the hardest, always the most embarrassing. When she looked in the mirror, she gasped disgustedly, all she saw was Savannah, someone who turned to drugs after every problem.

She heard someone slowly opening her door, usually she would be angry because they weren't respecting her privacy. But she knew she had no right to say that or even think that because of what she had put everyone through these past few weeks. She thought it was going to be Hank so she swallowed the lump in her throat, wiping the sweat on her hands and forehead. You better get yourself together or he'll throw your ass in rehab and you'll never get your job back.

Nothing could have prepared her for what she saw when she turned around. She thought she would have had more time to face him. It was Jay, he looked almost just like she had last seen him, minus the blood, cuts and bruises littered his handsome features and he was leaning awkwardly against the door frame. He tried to hide his pain well but she could tell he was in pain, she had spent almost two years being his partner, reading him everyday. She took a moment to recover from the surprise of seeing him.

"Jay, what-what are you doing here? I thought you were going to be discharged tomorrow" she asked him confusedly. She thought she would have had more time to prepare herself. Jay smiled at her confused state, walking over to her bed because his back was killing him. "I'm doing fine, I thought I would come and see if it was true," Jay said.

Hank had told him that Harper wanted to come back, that she had agreed to stop fighting them on it. "To see if it was true that you would let us help you, be there for you, to see if you would stop running, you've been doing a lot of that by the way" Jay said, the look of betrayal causing unshed tears to well up in Harper's eyes.

"You're fine? I saw the video of you being tortured, I got us out of there, you can't just say you're fine and why the fuck would you discharge yourself early?" Harper said angrily. Ranger or not, no one could go through being tortured like that without emotional scars. "I said I'm fine," Jay said, looking at her blankly. Harper dug her nails into her palms as she realized Jay was lying to her and there was nothing she could say about it. He didn't trust her with his pain anymore.

It was her fault, she deserved that and more. She opened her mouth to argue with him "Harper...I discharged myself early to see you. I came to see that my partner, my best friend, was back and I wanted to make sure you were staying. Don't you think you've done enough of running away, enough of pushing people away? Just let us help, we all care about you " Jay said softly, the look of hurt and question in his eyes touching something deep within her. She wanted to tell him that he didn't deserve someone like her and that he could easily go and find someone better but she knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"I'm back Jay, I'm right here, I'm trying" Harper said, her voice choked with emotion, trying not to let the tears in her eyes spill out of their confines. Jay's eyes observed her face, like he was reading her, checking to see if there was any doubt in her voice. "That's all I need to hear," Jay said, offering her a small grin before getting up.

"I need to go talk to Voight, we'll have dinner at six?" Jay asked. "Yeah" Harper replied. He probably only wanted to have dinner with her to make sure she was going to eat, he was basically her new babysitter according to Voight's conditions: she would have to stay with Jay in the apartment they shared, she had to take a drug test every week and therapy with Dr. Charles.

How the hell was she going to manage to do that?

All of her thoughts were overwhelming, she needed a release.

The drugs would come in handy right about now.

Shut the fuck up, you've already ruined enough.

It was like two voices in her head arguing, it was hard. She knew getting clean would be hard, the nausea, cold sweats, the shaking, nightmares. But this time there was so much pain and guilt laced with a plentitude of anger. About what happened to Jay, about what happened to Lily.

Lily.

Lily was the sweetest, kindest girl she had ever known and now nothing would ever bring her back. "Stop" she cried out, punching the wall hard. She was angry, she wanted those thoughts to stop, she wanted to run as far as she could, but she couldn't do that to Jay again.

She was glad Hank had left after Jay had talked to him and she was glad Jay was in the shower. If they had witnessed what just happened they would see right through her and refuse to work with her. Hank had given her one week to come back to work ready. One week with Jay at the apartment because he was off on medical leave. One week to get her shit together.