Always Here: A Jay Halstead fanfic

Chapter Fifty Three

It was February now. A week had gone by since their encounter at the club. A week spent with many nights at Molly's, she really had been missing out on some things. Harper was worried about Jay, Ben Corson's birthday was coming up this week. 

"Jay?" she said, softly, snapping him out of his thoughts. His jaw had clenched and unclenched as he thought about Ben. He felt horrible and sick to his stomach about what had happened to him, what he had let happen to him. But he knew he couldn't spiral out of control and drink, he had someone in his life that meant everything to him, Harper, and she didn't deserve that.

Leaving her would be like leaving a piece of himself behind. He looked up at her, "I know that this is a hard week and with everything that happened last year--" she said referring to Jay being accused of Lonnie's murder, before being swiftly cut off by Jay, "Even though I didn't do it, Lonnie got what he deserved" Jay said roughly, to no one in particular. "No one who cares about children is questioning that, I just--I wanted to know how you feel," she said, softly.

Jay looked at her, his expression softening, "I still see Ben's face everyday but---you don't have to worry about me, I'm not going to do anything stupid, not this time, I have so much more at stake and I know I have people in my life that care and we made a promise remember?" he reassured Harper, she always thought it was crazy the way he could be so cocky at times yet so mature on other occasions.

"Yeah," Harper said softly, feeling like she had been stabbed in the heart when he talked about the promise she had broken three months ago. She still felt slightly guilty about it. She looked up at Jay as he offered her a small smile before getting up and taking a shower. "I'm going to have dinner with the Corson's tonight, so I won't be home until later," he said, walking out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Okay," Harper said softly. She really hoped Jay wasn't going to spiral out of control like she did. She knew she probably deserved it after what happened with Lily but he mattered to her so much now, she couldn't stand anyone else walking out of her life. "I'm going to go to dinner with Hank, so I'll see you when you come home" she said, emphasizing her last words because she really did want him to come home. Right about now, she wanted to tell Jay that she loved him, that she was here for him but she was scared. Scared that he wouldn't feel the same way and walk out on her.

She had come home from her dinner with Hank and she started cleaning, she knew Jay hated messes. An hour later, Jay had finally come home and he looked like a wreck, his blue eyes were bloodshot, he looked sad. Harper saw him quickly walk to his bedroom and slam the door. She sighed giving him ten minutes because she didn't want him to shut down before walking to his room and opening the door.

"Jay?" she said softly to alert him of her presence. He was sitting on his bed, slumped over, his face was covering his hands so she couldn't tell if he was crying or not, she slowly crept over to him because the last thing she needed right now was for him to shut down and wrapped her arms around him. She felt him tense up for all but one second before welcoming her with open arms, he wrapped his arms around her waist tightly, almost too tight, but she didn't care, she was just happy he was letting her be there for him. Her buried his face in her neck, taking in her scent, he was so grateful to have Harper in his life and in that moment, he promised himself never to walk out on her.

He looked up at her, he wasn't crying, he almost was, "It's hard to see them, like that....they miss him so much, I... But there's nothing I can do to bring Ben back...," Harper nodded, there was nothing more to say, she just had to be there for him. He pulled her down closer, so that she was sitting in his lap, his face was no longer buried in her neck but it was resting on her head which was buried in his chest. They felt safe in each other's arms, they were right where they belonged. "Thank you," he said, looking down at her.

"You don't have to thank me, we made a promise remember," she said, smiling as he pulled her closer, while she rubbed his back. He smiled against her hair as he remembered when Harper came to his apartment last year after Lonnie was murdered, after what felt like everything, his gun and badge, had been taken from him. She always reminded him, there still was something worth fighting for in his life, it was her.