I was destined to die alone. I knew it, it was my fate and I was welcoming it with open arms. And don't get me wrong, I loved being alone, it's being lonely that I didn't like. It was almost upsetting.
But I couldn't do anything about it, it was set in stone that no one would love me. Or maybe I was just a horrible person all together, so horrible that no one could love me, surely thats why.
What other reason is there for me to not have somebody to love me back? I had too many burdens for someone to love me, surely if I couldn't handle myself, someone else wouldn't either.
But what confused me about myself is why I never just liked someone. My head always over analyzed or was completely oblivious and it was frustrating.
Another thing, I wasn't girly. I can't text like a girl, I can't flirt, I can't be cute. That's probably why no one loves me.
But life isn't all about love, I'd tell myself. I only need me and I'll survive. Why depend on a person that can be nothing but lies? Reason number something hundred on why I am okay with being alone.
But no one helped in my case, when my mom would call me, when she ever made time for me, she'd ask if I had a boyfriend and then sound completely disappointed. Same goes for my brother. But they didn't understand I had a curse, making me unloveable.
My best friend didn't help either. She constantly talked about her many flings and such, I'd usually just stay quiet and smile at appropriate times. It's not like I can compare her events to mine, I had nothing to compare it to.
But even though we both live together, I never see her. And it's hurts. I think I would be okay with dying alone and unloved Atleast with my best friend caring but.. I can see it, feel it and hear it in her voice. She's slowly forgetting about me. About our memories, our jokes, our good times, our cries, our talks, all the memories we had and made before boys came along.
Another thing, when she does come home crying for 'boy' reasons, I'm quick to her side. Comforting her and telling her to move on and to not worry about 'him'. She use to comfort me, because for a while because I'd cry over 'he who shall not be named', also known as the guy I'm still in love with. But after a while, she'd ignore me when I'd be mopping around the house, she'd tell me to suck it up or get mad at me because I'm waisting my time on someone who doesn't even know I like them.
But she didn't understand, never did she. I understood her clear as day though, because I questioned her. I genuinely cared. She stopped caring, right after her second boyfriend, he was such a horrible person.
I warned her about him but she ignored me, but when she came back saying what he did, I held back my I told you so and held her against my chest. Letting her soak my shirt, because as much as she doesn't care for me, I will always care for her.
