I don't know what came over me.
Ever since yesterday, I have been more emotionally connected to Ashton. We cuddled on the couch, I initiated another kiss apart from the one on our way home, I even opened up to him.
What the hell was wrong with me? I felt like a lovesick puppy. And I can't say this all felt new to me, shit, I wish it was new to me. But with the situation with Kyle, those feelings are nothing I've never not dealt with before - except, now they're stronger.
The stronger these feelings become the more vulnerable I feel myself becoming. Ashton can easily make or break me. I know he can, a simple no from him will have me bawling my eyes out for weeks because I am in fact - falling in love with him.
I know I shouldn't, I'll get hurt at the end but - the heart wants what it wants.
Plus mines obviously stupid.
I was in, all honesty, scared. Scared of Ashton rejecting me although we are in a 'relationship' who knows if he'll change his feelings for me.
I'm also terrified with how open I'll be to heartbreak and travesty. This whole thing was one big risk and I don't know if I was able to take it.
Although my heart already chose what she wants to do.
-
In a perfect world I would be the perfect weight, height, perfect hair, teeth - the whole lot.
Ashton would be Ashton, he was already perfect to me.
We'd live a normal life being boyfriend and girlfriend - none of my complications.
Just us. I'd show him affection everyday and he'd do the same, showering me with gifts I didn't need nor ask for.
We'd eventually live together, in a house that's ours not his nor mine.
We'd never worry about each other because we're that in love.
If only. If only this was a perfect world and I was a perfect girl. But I wasn't. I'll never be.
I closed my laptop, wiping the stray tear that fell from my eye. I tended to blog at night, more of my real thoughts and ideas came alive then.
But it was already 2 am and I couldn't sleep. Thoughts between Ashton and my secret apartment that I've yet to tell Ashton about.
I rubbed my face with my hands, the only person that can make me feel somewhat better right now is down the hall, sleeping.
I bite my lip contemplating the obvious. Would he think I'm a creep for stalking into his room? Would he reject my wish to lay next to him? Is it crossing any boundaries?
Hell would I know the answer to any of these questions. But.... Fuck it.
I needed the comfort from him and the reassurance that maybe just maybe I'm overthinking everything, like always.
I tip toe out my room, walking towards his door, my heart pounding against my chest.
My fingers brush against the doorknob, slowly turning it.
Once the door is open, I'm met with complete darkness. I take a few steps forward, closing the door behind me.
I tip toe to the bed, slowly, unsure of why the hell I'm risking myself to do this at 2 am.
I walk closer to the bed, noticing Ashton's shirtless. I gulp, my hands sweating profusely.
"Uh... Pst Ashton.." I whisper, my fingertips barely grazing his shoulder.
His shoulder jerks lightly, thus making him stir in his sleep. "..Kat?.." He mumbles, his eyes closed, looking up at me.
"I uh I can't sleep and I just... Can I uh lay next to you...?" I mumble, my heartbeat increased, my hands damp.
"Of course, come here." He says lifting the duvet. I hesitantly get under it, his arm instantly lowering to my waist.
"What's wrong?" He asks, his voice raspy from sleep.
"Nothing... I'm just... I needed comforting." I mumble, staring at Ashton's bare chest, not sexually but just because I can't dare look him in his eyes.
"I'll always be here for you. I'm glad you came in here, I feel much better."
"You do? Why?" I ask finally meeting his gaze.
"I had a bad dream, nothing serious but it just freaked me out." He shrugs, his thumb caressing my hip bone.
The falls silent for a few minutes, no one knowing what else to say. Ashton's thumb slowly stops caressing my hip and for a second I think he's fallen asleep.
"One day you'll get tired of me." I whisper, placing my head on his chest.
I close my eyes, his heartbeat soothing me. I begin to doze off, when I'm close to unconsciousness the only thing I hear before I completely fall into a deep sleep is,
"I'll never get tired of you because I love you."
