I have a problem. I tend to want guys who don't want me. For instance, I was and still currently am in love with a guy that I knew for four years. We were friends, sat together on the bus, played video games together, talked during school. I was head over heals. I constantly wanted to tell him how bad I wanted him, how much I loved him. But I didn't, I didn't want to risk the chance of rejection or for him to stop talking to me.
He was too good of a friend to lose. I just wish he loved me back. And I can never know because we don't talk anymore, after I moved, we disconnected.
I always wondered if we'd be anything, each year we got closer and I truly felt year 5 would have been the year he told me he felt the same, I was hoping he'd do that. But I had to move, making me break down on the inside.
And to this day, I still think of him, as I scroll down my newsfeed and see him with other girls, I still have a place in my heart for him. Although he has no idea about it or feels the same way.
It's sucks, I feel miserable about it everyday. But I'm not a 'doer', I can't just go and tell him how I feel, I have to let it eat me alive and blame all the reasons he doesn't love me back on my insecurities. It was a process I had, within myself, unconsciously.
;
I aimlessly walked around the mall, alone of course, considering I had no friends and my best friend was on her 5th date this week.
I hummed the words to 'Take Me To Church by Hozier', I rarely payed attention to the outside world, I constantly thought about my life, my horrible dreadful, dull life.
Once I saw the sign for American Apparel, I smiled alittle to myself and made my way in. Taking one earbud out I began looking through racks and stacks of clothes. I liked shopping. Although my closet was nothing but black shirts, black skirts, black pants, black shoes, shirts with holes on them, a couple of gray and white items. A few denim and a whole lot of plaid. I was simple and 'rocked the 90's look' my best friend would said since I almost always wore my black tattoo choker, along with my black Ray-Bans, even inside, I rarely took them off.
I was horribly awkward when it came to eye contact, thus, the sunglasses hiding me away. Protecting me in a way.
"Are you looking for anything in specific?" A girl says as I hold up a plaid skirt. "No, just looking." I shrug, giving her a side glance then looking back at the skirt in my hands.
"Well if you need any help, don't be shy to ask." I only nodded, just wanting to shop alone, like always.
After I did about 3 rounds of the store, I went up to the cash register. A guy, his name tag clearly stating his name was Ashton. He furrowed his eyebrows the slightest as he realized I was wearing sunglasses inside.
"Did you find everything alright?" He asks as he begins scanning the numerous items I grabbed, surely I had a few at home in a different shade of black or gray but I couldn't resist.
"Mhm." I nod, my teeth coming out to nibble at my bottom lip as I waited to pay and leave.
"You come here often don't you?" Ashton, the cashier asks and I nod slowly. I didn't want a conversation. "I can tell, your outfit screams American Apparel." He chuckles and I look down at my black Doc Martens, Black high waisted skinny jeans and black and white striped crop top, all bought from American Apparel.
"I like the store." I state, my shoulders shrugging. "Yeah, me too. I'm new here, today's my second day. Ashton's the name.. Obviously." He chuckles and I stifle a smile, although it no doubt looks fake.
I look down and realize I can pay already. I take my card out my wallet, swiping it and putting my password in.
"What's your name?" He asks after I wait for him to give me my bag and receipt.
"Kat." I say reaching for my bags, he puts them in my hand, along with the receipt. "Have a nice day, Kat." He smiles at me and I nod at him, my face not holding a smile.
"You too."
