I loved Ashton. I knew I did. With my entire being I loved Ashton. Ever since I met him I was magnetically drawn to him whether I believed it or not. But back then I was just afraid. I mean don't get me wrong, I wake up scared shitless everyday waiting for him to realize he can do better. But back when we were just starting out - I was a coward. Not just a coward but I also didn't know better.
I was living a life that wasn't right but in my head it was how it was meant to be.
I grew up with barely any love at home. I let someone belittle me for years, claiming them as my best friend. I was 'in love' with a guy that didn't give two shits about me. Well he did... Until after he found out about my feelings.
I can't sit here and say I don't think of Kyle or Bethany, when I do. I think of the good times me and Beth shared, before she started to treat me so poorly. I remember her always telling me that she loved my style and that she couldn't pull it off - she use to boost my weak ass confidence.
Kyle on the other hand, I don't know what would happen if I ever saw him again. He was such a loving person and we were so close that I sometimes miss him. As a friend. He was like a brother to me in a way, back in high school he use to always protect me. I loved that about him.
I wish things never ended the way they did. I wish Bethany never treated me like shit and I wish Kyle was still one of my best friends. Sometimes I wonder how life would have been if I didn't start talking to Ashton. If he wasn't there that day the burglars came. Or the night Kyle and Bethany were together. Or any other time he was there to witness me crumble.
I wonder if I could have still fought through the rubble and made it here. I wonder how I would have took the 'mom' situation. I wonder if I would have ever went to go see her in the first place or if I would have discovered my love for editing blog sites. Would I have ever found my true self? Probably not. I was weak. I didn't have aspirations. I knew I was a fuck up and knew how I would end up down the road.
And this is why I feel so ungrateful to have Ashton. I literally had nothing going for myself - emotionally. Ashton is this guy that puts a smile on everyone's face before his own. He and I share the 'people pleaser' quality. But he does it in a giving way, in a loving - selfless way.
He had a heart far too big for a little pathetic girl like me.
He deserved someone just like him, in every way. Someone perfect, someone he can handle.
But I'm just in too deep now. Now I'm greedy as fuck and want him to myself. Even though I know I don't deserve him, I would gladly have him because he's just too damn good to let go.
Especially now.
-
My fingers felt like they were going to fall off any second now. They didn't decrease in speed even when the pain increased. I had been sat in my office since 6am; working, publishing, editing. Oh - and its 8pm now. Yeah, to say I was tired was an understatement.
Just as I was editing a new post, my office phone rang and I didn't hesitate to pick it up - a given excuse to take a break from working.
"Hello?"
"Kat - I have a visitor here for you, should I send her down?" Heather, our receptionist asks through the phone. I furrow my eyebrows, unsure of who would visit me.
"Uh... Yeah sure. You said it was a she?" I ask, my teeth unconsciously nipping at my lip.
"Yes, an older lady. I'll send her your way."
Heather then hangs up, leaving me back to assume who was visiting me. My first thought was Jesse but Heather said it was an older lady.
So my thoughts go to Meredith, but I don't see why she would be visiting me - we text weekly, we had no more bad blood, from what I had assumed - she wouldn't be stopping to see me until Christmas - if that.
But my thoughts are quickly erased when I see the one person I thought I'd never see again.
Stephanie. Or formerly known as "my mother".
I'm quick to stand up behind my desk, my actions more defensive then anything. She eyes me as she walks further into my office, taking a seat on the opposite side across from me.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, my voice nervously cracks and I mentally slap myself.
Her lips are in a tight grin as she eyes my desk, then my office, her eyes landing on me last.
"I haven't spoke to you, I wanted to see how you've been doing." She says and I take this opportunity to sit down.
I clear my throat before answering her. "I've been fine. How's my brother?" I ask, not bothering to ask if she's been good or not.
"He's... Okay." My mom- Stephanie says, her eyes nervously wandering around before going back to her hard expression. "I've been doing swell too, thanks for the concern." She adds and I chuckle, rolling my eyes.
"Seriously, what do you want? Haven't you ruined my life enough?" I say exasperated, my head leaning on my palm on my desk.
"Look - I just wanted to pop in and see you. Plus I did raise you so don't be getting all ungrateful." Stephanie says pointing a finger at me.
I scoff, my head shaking incredulously. "Wow." I say rubbing my face with both my hands before continuing. "Well you've seen me, you can go now." I say raising my brows at her.
"Have you spoke to your birth mother?" She asks ignoring me.
"Of course I have." I respond, waiting for her response. "Yet you can't come and talk to me?"
"Look, we never were the perfect mother and daughter - we both knew you always hated me. So stop trying to be all motherly now when I don't need you anymore." I state, not caring how harsh my words are coming out.
Stephanie stares at me for some time and I consider apologizing for my words but decide against it when she opens her mouth.
"You are a bitch you know that? I fucking catered to you after your father died and yet now you treat me like this? Don't say you all of a sudden don't see me as your mother because I am more of a mother than Meredith will ever be. She didn't see you grow up, she wasn't there for you - I was. It's already hard enough that your fathers gone but now that your completely out my life, I can't even handle your brother." Stephanie says hanging her head low, her hand wiping her eye.
"Handle my brother? With what?" I ask curiously. Sure I didn't completely care for Stephanie but my brother was different, we grew up together.
"He... He's been drinking excessively. He uh... Didn't take the news lightly."
"What news?" I ask, my pulse quickening.
"He's not my son. Just like your not my daughter." Stephanie says right before she ends up sobbing.
My eyebrows are furrowed with the news. If he's not Stephanie's child, then who's child is he?
"Who's his mother?"
"This girl your father dated... Selena. I don't have any of her contact info so I cant give him anything." She says weakly, disappointedly.
"So... After my father died... You had to support two children that weren't even yours..." I mumble, suddenly I feel bad for Stephanie. But not that much, she still treated my brother way better than she ever treated me.
"But that's not why I came here." Stephanie says wiping her eyes quickly, trying to compose herself again, her posture more firm, her chin held high, the same hard expression on her face.
"I just wanted to tell you that I have..." Her eyes falter to my cell phone that's vibrating on my desk, it was Meredith that sent me a text. Stephanie nods her head a little to herself before standing up abruptly.
"Goodbye." She announces walking to the door.
"What is it? Tell me." I say, standing up. Stephanie gives me a once over before shaking her head, her hand on the doorknob.
"I hope Meredith is a better mother to you than I was."
Is all she says before walking out my office.
