Bound by Blood

Chapter 112- words of comfort, words of reason

YOONGI POV:

"You don't need to hide hyung, you've done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of." Joon calls through the door, knocking on it again.

I fiddle with the headphones, guilt stopping me from sliding them on and blocking out Joon's voice. Because I can't do that, not when it's so full of soft tender sincerity and gentle love, not when I can feel the waves of emotions permeating through the door. Maybe it's the house but maybe it's just my yearning to turn to him and let him in, to let anyone in and share my own pain and sorrow rather than wallow in it alone that makes me feel his longing to get to me mingle with my own.

I don't give a verbal response, the door does the talking for me by swinging open a fraction to allow Joon to poke his head in, hair rumpled and eyes soft- roving until they land on me in the corner.

"Can I come in hyung?" he asks.

I nod.

And he slips in, door shutting behind him as he pads in dressed in a large hoodie and loose pants, epitomising comfort and warmth and safety as he reaches the corner, padding towards me and sliding against the wall to sit next to me.

"Can I have a hug first or do you want to talk hyung?" Joon says, turning to me to extend the baggy sleeves off his hoodie-clad arms to me, face peeking out and looking at me sweetly from under his dishevelled hair.

It doesn't fail to escape my notice that he's mentioned both as not possibilities but only a matter of when. And he asks for the hug, as if he doesn't know the offer is there for my comfort.

I answer by reaching out to tug him into my arms, silently melting into the firm support his shoulder offers and the way that even being the bigger one from the two of us, he ducks down to make himself smaller, to fit more easily into my arms, nestling close.

And I figure that we might as well do both at the same time.

"I'm not hiding Joon-ah, not from anyone really." I start but even then I know the words ring false in my ears.

Aren't I hiding in a way?

Trying to pretend everything's normal when it feels like it isn't?

"What are you afraid of hyung? Is it us?" he asks, ducking his head up to peer at me.

Immediately I shake my head.

"Never you, never my mates, it's just I feel stupid. Stupid for feeling confused and scared still. Stupid for not being able to believe that we did it, that we got Chul." I say, feeling the bitterness towards myself in my tone.

Joon presses a finger to my lips, shushing me.

"Not stupid hyung. It's okay to feel like that. It's okay to hate the way you're feeling." He says.

I feel tears sting the corner of my eyes, feeling betrayed by the way my own emotions are giving me away, feeling stupid and resenting that my own abilities can't be used on myself.

Because if I could, I'd have removed them in a heartbeat. Would've gotten rid of this sickly, swirling feeling of being lost, adrift now that the problem in my life is being taken care of.

Who even feels like that?

I don't realise I'd been mumbling those words until Namjoon is straightening up to lean back slightly, peering at me with a look of understanding and hurt. Not hurt because of me, hurt for me.

"Don't ever think your silly for feeling things hyung, take as long as you need to overcome this. Chul took over your life for such a long time, it's natural to feel muddled up by it." Joonie says, on his knees looking at me earnestly.