BTS HYYH Notes (Book 1, 2, BUS Game) // COMPLETE [Part 2]

2022, May 20 - Taehyung (I Don't Want To Kill Him, But Myself)

Kim Eunhye: No-!!

"Taehyung, stop!" I come to my senses. Someone's hugging my midsection. "No, Taehyung-ah."

"Hyung?" I lift my head, and abeoji is nowhere to be seen. Is this blood his? Or...

Kim Eunhye: *sniffles* Hah...

My noona is crying, and... Hoseok hyung stands there silently. He looks like he has a lot to say, but it seems like he's holding back. Hazy sunshine filters in through the window, making the messy household goods and untidy bedding look even more bare. The unbearable rage and sadness stay within me.

"... I'm sorry, hyung." I want to cry, to scream, to kick, break, shatter everything. I want to fall apart, but I can't do any of the things I want. "I'm okay. So you can go now." My voice sounds calm relative to the turmoil I feel inside. I close my eyes and the world spins. My mind is blank.

Namjoon hyung... I desperately crave his presence. I want to talk to him. Hyung, I almost... K*lled my abeoji.

***

(A/N: Loop #2)

[Place: Kim's house.]

I looked down at my hands. There was blood on them. My legs suddenly lost their strength. I was going to crouch down but someone hugged me from behind. Through the windows, a misty sunlight was filtering through. Noona was crying and Hoseok hyung was standing there without speaking.

Dirty household goods and blankets were like always, spread around. Where my abeoji had stood, nobody was there. How he had fled the room, I could not remember.

The uncontainable anger and sadness that I felt as I rushed towards my abeoji still remained. I did not know what it was that had allowed me to control myself as I charged to st*b my abeoji. I also did not know how to calm my turbulent heart. It wasn’t that I wanted to k*ll my abeoji – I wanted to k*ll myself. If I was just able to do it, I wanted to die right now.

I didn’t even have tears. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick and break everything, I wanted to break, but I couldn’t do any of those things.

“Hyung. I’m sorry. I’m okay so, go.” In contrast to my turbulent heart, my voice was came out dry. It did not seem like my voice.

I sent him away, though he was loathe to leave.

I looked down at my hands. Bl*od was seeping through the white bandage. Instead of st*bbing my abeoji, I had hit the floor with the liquor bottle. As the bottle shattered, my palm had r*pped. As I closed my eyes, the world spinned.

What I was supposed to think, what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to live?

As I came to my senses, I was looking down at Namjoon hyung’s phone number. Even in such a situation – no, more so because it was such a situation, I was desperate for his presence. I wanted to tell him.

Hyung. I – my abeoji, our abeoji that bore me, our abeoji that beat me up daily – I was about to k*ll him. I was seriously about to k*ll him. No, in actual fact, I k*lled him. I k*lled him countless times. In my heart, I k*lled him repeatedly. I wanted to k*ll him. I want to die. What I have to do now? I don’t know at all. Hyung. I just want to see you now.

***

(A/N: Official English version of the above loop)

I looked down at my palm. Blood was oozing out. Just when my legs started to give out and I was about to collapse, someone grabbed me from behind. Sunlight came in through the murky window. My noona was crying, and Hoseok hyung was standing there in silence. As usual, the floor was cluttered with dirty dishes, odds and ends, and blankets. Abeoji had already escaped the room before I realized it.

The uncontrollable rage and sorrow welled up when I flung myself at abeoji were still fresh in my mind. I didn't know what help me back when I was about to st*b him. I didn't know how to douse these raging flames inside me. I wanted to k*ll myself instead of abeoji. If I could, I wanted to drop dead right then and there.

I couldn't shed tears. I wanted to cry, cry out loud, kick and destroy everything, and break everything. But it all seemed beyond my control.

"Sorry hyung, I'm fine. You go ahead." My voice sounded dry and calm, contrary to my frantic mind.

I sent Hoseok hyung home against his will and looked down at my palm. Bl*od was still going coming out in drops. Instead of st*bbing abeoji, I'd smashed a bottle on the floor. The bottle had broken into pieces and c*t my palm. The world spun and twirled when I closed my eyes. My brain froze. What I should do now? How should I live?

After I regained consciousness, I found myself looking at Namjoon hyung's number. Even in this situation, or because of this situation, I was longing for Namjoon hyung all the more desperately. I wanted to confess to him. I almost k*lled abeoji who brought me into this world and who beat me every day. I almost k*lled him. No, I actually k*lled him. Countless times. I k*lled him countless times in my head. I want to k*ll him. I want to die. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I just want to see you now.