BTS HYYH Notes (Book 1, 2, BUS Game) // COMPLETE [Part 2]

2022, Jul 25 - Yoongi (The Mountain)

[Places: Road, mountain]

I opened my eyes in the middle of the night. It was raining. Curses came out of my mouth automatically as I picked myself up off the ground. I sat still for a while. My entire body was soaked wet with rain. I felt shaky and chilly all over.

(A/N: Throwback moments ago.)

 “If you're going to run away again, don't ever come back." Hoseok's voice rang in my ears.

All I could remember after leaving Jungkook's hospital was that I continued to falter, bump into things, and fall. Seized by drunkenness, headaches, fear, and despair. I was unaware of how much time had passed or where I was.

That's when I came across Hoseok. At that moment, I felt choked up. It was half joy and half relief. For some reason, I believed that he'd be able to understand my confusion and fear even though I couldn't understand myself.

But Hoseok looked away. He was pretending not to have seen me. Soon the signal changed and I just stood there watching him walk away. Then someone shoved me and I fell to the ground. I heard people screaming and clicking their tongues at me.

"Why didn't you go see Jungkook? Don't you know what you mean to him?"

Of course I knew. Maybe that was why I couldn't go into his room. I was distorted and thorny. Anyone who tried to come near me was bound to get hurt.

(A/N: End of throwback)

I raised my head and looked onto the desolate mountain trail. There were two directions. I could walk deeper into the mountain or I could turn around and go back down.

I began to move towards the dark forest. I always took at forks in the road. I had no destination. I'd lost my sense of time. Maybe I was going around in circles. It felt as if my knees would give in any minute because of the biting cold and fatigue. I was out of breath, and my heart was throbbing. What if I just collapsed here and died? Well if I'm destined to die here, then this is where I'll die.

I sank down. Raindrops fell on my face. It was as dark with my eyes open as when they were closed. I was drowning in layers of darkness. I thought of death again and again. I wanted to flee from the fears and desires that continued to haunt me. I wanted to run as far from that terrifying object that I was helplessly drawn to but couldn't look at straight, that agony that pushed me from one extreme to the other. Now must be the time. It was all for the better.

I'd inflicted pain on others as I suffered greater pain. I looked away from their wounds. I didn't want to take any responsibility. I didn't want to get involved. That was who I was.

This moment must be a blessing for everyone. I blinked slowly and began to doze off. The cold, pain, and fatigue disappeared. And I became numb to the darkness, the light, and my surroundings. Everything became dim.

I opened my eyes again at the sound of a piano. It was silent. Except for the sounds of raindrops falling and leaves rustling. Amidst the silence, the fragile and delicate piano sounds continued to drift towards me. Someone playing the piano deep in the mountains in the middle of the night? I thought it was a hallucination, but it continued.

I smirked. It was that melody. That melody I'd tried so hard to recall. That something substantial that was missing, that made me stay up all night for days on end. Why was it coming to me at this moment of all occasions? I concentrated harder, but the tune was still barely audible and distant and interrupted by the sound of rain. I started coughing.

I tried to stand up but stopped. What would I do now even if I could discern the melody? What would change even if I completed my music? I'd never wanted to be recognized by others, receive applause, or be famous. I'd never wanted to prove myself. Then what would it mean to complete this piece?

But I pushed myself up from the ground with one hand and started towards the direction where the sound was coming from. I was staggering and my body was trembling. My face and hands were numb. I couldn't feel my legs. None of my body parts seemed to be under my control. But I took firm steps, one at a time, to get closer to the melody. Heavy drops of rain struck my head. My shirt was dripping wet. Every joint and muscle seemed to scream. My legs shivered so violently that I couldn't lift my feet from the ground. My feet slipped on the wet grass, and thorny twigs brushed against my shoulders. I felt chilled to my core and almost collapsed. My pace grew slower and slower. The piano melody had been subsiding with every step I took.

I strenuously quickened my pace to find the source of the music before it stopped. I was afraid that, if it did, I would never be able to hear it again. I marched forward, not able to tell the walking trail from the forest. I was struck by drooping branches. Then, suddenly, my knees crumpled and I fell to the ground. I was so out of breath that I felt like throwing up. All my senses came rushing back, and I felt the cold, fatigue, and strange surroundings deep in the mountain so vividly.

As I quickened my pace more and more, as I hit against more branches, as my feet slipped harder, the piano sound became clearer. The more severe the pain, the louder the sound grew.

I finally stopped walking after wandering in the rain for hours. The melody was more vividly brought to life. It exploded in my head as it combined with what I'd been composing up until a few days ago. I covered my head with both arms and sank down. It was closer to a raw emotion than music. It stimulated my sense of pain rather than my hearing. It was a combination of suffering, hope, joy, and fear. It was everything that I'd tried so hard to get away from.

(A/N: Throwback)

Suddenly, a scene from one bright sunny afternoon appeared before my eyes. I was playing a tune in front of the piano in my workroom. It was that melody that continued to revolve in my head.

"This sounds really nice." Jungkook came closer.

I chuckled. "You always say that."

It was not a single melody. It was a combination of various memories. From the days I used to playfully pound on the piano keys as a child. From the days my friends danced in sync with my performance in the classroom-turned-storage room. From the days when I stayed up all night writing pieces and inhaled the fresh morning air. My piano was beside me at every happy moment. These happy memories always ended up being shattered to pieces, but they couldn't be denied.

(A/N: End of throwback)

What would it mean to complete this piece? I still couldn't find the answer. But there was something that preceded this question and the answer. I wanted to capture all this before it scattered into the air. It wasn't to please anyone or to prove something. It wasn't even for myself. I just wanted to capture this emotion, pain, and fear, which were about to explode in my head and heart, with music. It didn't have to signal the beginning of something. It didn't have to mean anything. I just wanted to complete this music.

The piano sound was no longer audible. The rain was gradually subsiding, but my body was trembling uncontrollably. I closed my eyes and felt everything surrounding me even more vividly. The raindrops that fell on my cheeks, splashed onto the ground, and flowed in a stream, the chilly wind, the smell of soil, the rustling sound of leaves. And my breathing.

When I picked myself up, the sign for the mineral spring came into sight. I thought I'd roamed deeply into the mountain, but I was back where I started. And the path still stretched in two opposite directions. I bent my steps towards the direction where the sun rises.