It's taking all your strenght (Zarry /AU.) /English Version

65. New Year's Resolution

Zayn

Today is the 31st of December. It's New Year's Eve . Gigi and I are getting ready for the party at Kendall's. She is totally excited. I honestly don't know why people get so excited. The turn of the year doesn't change my life. The lies stay the same. Maybe I should make a point of clearing things up completely. But do I want that? Isn't it easier to live my double life after all? Harry may want that. The only thing I have to think about today is Harry. He is important to me. I want to share my life with him.

Around seven we arrive in the huge apartment of the Jenners. Everything is decorated with lights. Two bartenders are juggling with glasses at the bar. The tables are filled with appetizers. It lacks nothing. There is also no lack of the superficiality of the guests. A lot of kisses and empty words as sweet as sugar. I'm so tired of all this. That's not me. I'd much rather have stayed at home. Crowds still scare me. Gigi takes me by the hand and pulls me from one place to the next. I am tired.

"Darling, let's get a drink?" I tell her.

Quickly I want to escape the hustle and bustle. There is Cara up ahead.

"If you're looking for me... "and then my girlfriend disappears in the hurly-burly.

Slowly I stroll to the bar and order a gin tonic. With the glass in my hand, I go smoking on the terrace. Some people stand at small tables, wrapped in warm coats and talk. I look for a quiet spot and light a cigarette.

"May I join you, Mr. Malik?" Asks a voice from the dark.

I look around in surprise. Out of the darkness of New Year's Eve, Harry suddenly shows up.

"Haz!" I ask.

"Baby, you're here?"

I take him in my arms and kiss him on the temple. We are in public and need to be careful.

"What a surprise!" I say.

"I knew it," he laughs.

"Are you alone?", He wants to know.

"Gigi is here, babe. She's somewhere in the crowd and I enjoy the silence." I reply.

"And you, is Camille with you?"

"Yes, she is here, too," he says.

"Listen Curly, I'm sorry about the chocolate cake and more. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just miss you and if I had the choice, I'd rather sit at home and snuggle up with you, than be here."

I apologize for my behavior recently. Harry nods depressed.

"Zayn, sometimes I get the impression our relationship consist in hotel rooms, news, phone calls and sex. Do you know what I mean? Maybe someday that's not enough for me anymore. This double life tugs at my nerves," he explains.

"I know, we both went along with it , not knowing what it will mean for our life. I'm scared we won't make it," he adds.

Harry said all that, what I've been afraid of all the time. It is the fear of losing what one loves the most and can't keep because time is working against us. I sense Harry wants to get things sorted out; a clear line.

"Baby," I say,

"Let's not talk about this tonight. You're here, I'm right here. Let's just celebrate. We'll find a solution for ourselves - in the next year, baby."

I have to gain time. Time to realize, which way I want to go with him. Harry nods disappointed. He looks so good - his curly hair, his green eyes, the dimples. The green eyes appear greener through his black suit. I tentatively reach for his hand. It is warm, despite the winter cold.

"Haz, I love you, I adore you, never forget that!" He's trying to smile.

"Zayn, I don't know if it all works with us. I mean, I don't want to wake up in the morning without you. I don't want to go to bed without you. I don't want to have to wait for opportunities to meet in secret. I love you Zayn, I love you so much that it makes my heart ache," he says.

Uncertain, I light a second cigarette. Harry looks me in the face.

"I can't even kiss you now. Do you understand what I'm going to say? How much longer is that going to be? Will it end sometime?" He says.

I throw my cigarette over the parapet of the terrace. It burns up in the flight. I still hold Harry's hand.

"Come with me, Hazza!" I say. We run out of the apartment on the empty street.

"Let's enjoy the moment."

We drive to the shores of the Hudson River. There we sit in silence for several minutes. My arm is around Harry.

"We find the solution for us, babe," I reassure him.

"And now kiss me finally."