It's taking all your strenght (Zarry /AU.) /English Version

53. Despair

Flashback Harry

2013 was our best year. Zayn and I loved each other like crazy - especially behind the scenes. We couldn't keep our hands off each other on stage. We touched each other, looked deeply into our eyes and whispered declarations of love. We lived our dream and could hardly be stopped. Louis retired insulted.

Our management also took note of it at some point and finally put a stop to it. Perrie was officially Zayn's girlfriend and a relationship between me and Zayn was unacceptable to them. Each of us knew that Perrie was just a "beard". But that it would affect our love so hard, we both didn't know.

Everyone went home for a few days to their families. The tour was exhausting and we needed a break. I sat with my mother, Gemma and Robin at the breakfast table and enjoyed family life. Gemma tapped her phone. Out of the blue, she suddenly cried out:

"You don't believe that! That's impossible!" She blurts out.

 Everyone looks at her and gets annoyed. 

"Gemma, does this really have to be now? Put the mobile away at least during breakfast!" My mother says annoyed. 

"Your brother is here for a short weekend, he's got enough stress already." Robin agrees. 

Gemma looks up for a second. 

"Then I won't tell you about the engagement." 

She stands up and leaves the kitchen.

 "What engagement? Gemma, you didn't get engaged, did you ?!" 

We all screem at the same time. My sister grins and shakes her head. 

"I'm not. But I don't want to disturb your breakfast or you, little brother." 

Now we all jump up and follow Gemma into the living room. 

"Well, tell me, who is engaged?" I ask.

 "Zayn, Zayn and Perrie got engaged."

For a moment, I hope that's just a bad dream. I close my eyes and try to breathe calmly. When I open my eyes, the message is still there. It hangs in the living room and won't be driven away. It is august. It's summer and for me rain is falling from the sky.

Los Angeles

The remaining days off I spent in LA. In Cheshire, I just couldn't stand it anymore. My feelings were so hurt, I was so powerless that I had to write. So I went to a studio and just wrote "Just a little bit of your heart" in just one day. All of my yearnings, despair, and hopes were processed in this song. I wrote it for Zayn, my great love. It was released only a year later. Ariana Grande sang it for me.

"I don't ever tell you how I really feel
'Cause I can't find the words to say what I mean
And nothing's ever easy, that's what they say
I know I'm not your only."

"Just a little bit of your heart
Just a little bit of your heart
Just a little bit of your heart is all I want
Just a little bit of your heart
Just a little bit of your heart
Just a little bit is all I'm asking for"

This song was my last revelation to Zayn. The step of getting engaged was too much for me. Zayn has crossed a line and hurt me deeply. I broke up with him. At our concerts, I barely interact with Zayn. There are no more touches between us. Time stand still. I'm suffering like crazy. Zayn can't handle this situation at all. He tells me that the management has him under contract to this engagement. Zayn doesn't think about marriage. He feels miserable and tries to calm me down. I stay stubborn.

I spend more time with writing again. My feelings overpower me and I write another song for Zayn. I believe him that he didn't want this engagement. Just the engagement photo is a farce. Zayn wore a white undershirt. But he did that consciously. Malik is smart. Anyone who sees the photo, will be surprised, why he was so dressed casually. Zayn expressed his protest. What other chance did he already have?

My song for Zayn is to express my remorse. Yes, I regret my decision to break up with him. But under these circumstances, a relationship isn't possible. He has a fiancé and I respect that.

"Are you sleeping, baby by yourself?
Or are you giving it to someone else?
Try to find you but I just don't know
Where do broken hearts go?
Where do broken hearts go?Tell me now, tell me now,
Tell me where you go when you feel afraid?
Tell me now, tell me now,
Tell me will you ever love me again, love me again?"