2 | Defiance Discipline Dream Repeat

24 Nervous - Zander's POV

One of my least favourite things is going to class, especially alone.

One of my favourite things to do; is swagger through town and put fear in idiots by giving them an icy stare. I love how they will leap across the street to avoid me or when mates huddle together to feel braver or whatever.

Sometimes, I like to switch it up and wear my prince charming facade to draw the attention and looks of admiration from the women I pass.

And everybody who disagrees with me on this is jealous because they don't have the body and talent of me - like my dad. He said it's mostly an illusion only I experience, and the reason they evade or look is because I give off a weirdo impression and not my beauty and intimidating power. But those are the words of an ageing man who doesn't look as fit as he did back in the day.

I'm going to prove to everyone yet again how easy it is for me to charm myself something.

I pull the glass door open to the bridal boutique and smile at the young woman behind the counter. ''Hiya, darling! You alright? Is my mum Debbie in?''

Her face shines up, and she giggles. ''Hello, love. Debbie is checking out a wedding site but will be back soon. Can I help you?''

''That's too bad. My phone died earlier, but I just visited the library, so I thought I would stop by and ask about the name of her favourite champagne I need to buy for tonight's little celebration,'' I fib.

''Oh... I'm new here, so I don't know what she likes. Is it her birthday, or what are you celebrating?''

''Yes, it is. But don't tell her because she doesn't like the attention,'' I whisper. ''Or being reminded of growing old.''

She giggles, ''I will keep it a secret, love.''

''Thank you. Do you think she will be back soon? I need to get going."

''I'd guess another 15 minutes.''

I sigh subtly. ''I don't have time to wait. Would you be able to; do something a little cheeky for me then?''

''Yeah, what can I do?''

''Would you let me sneak to the back and refill my coffee mug, please?'' I pull my mum's yellow bee-patterned thermos out of my bag. It was the only clean one I found this morning.

She giggles again. ''Of course. That is no problem. You're basically a part of the staff since your mum's worked here longer than my time on earth.''

I let out a fake laugh, following her through the maze of showy wedding gowns and into the staff room.

''I need to go back out in case more customers come in, but you can help yourself, right?''

I thank her and compliment her gallantly before she finally leaves me alone. In haste, I turn on the coffee machine, and while it does its magic, I forage through the cabinets and fridge for something sweet... A bag of vanilla buns will have to do because it's the only treat they have in packaging here. I grab two paper cups for the coffee, stir some milk and sugar with the coffee, and pop the lids on. One of the cups goes inside my thermos, whilst the other one will hide inside my coat with the bag of buns for a minute.

I sneak out, thanking the gullible lass one last time before I leave the boutique. I don't wish to bump into Mum right now, so I hurriedly walk down the street toward my next destination - the library.

--

I spot Alexander typing at the computer by the counter. Thank God for his stunning curls and face because his black turtle neck hurts my eyes. ''Oi, Da...'' I slip out, nearly choking on my racing heart that seems to want to jump out. Disgusting feeling. ''...Downton Abbey!'' Alexander instantly looks up from his computer, mouthing me to shut up. ''...I bought you some coffee and buns.''

I rearranged and touched up the coffee cups and buns on my way to make them look like they came straight out of a coffee shop.

''Thank you,'' he says quietly. ''The little boy books are downstairs–'' he teases.

''Holling sent me here to fetch some books,'' I lie. 

He looks askance at me. ''Aren't you supposed to be at school, though?''

''I wasn't meant to buy coffee on the way, but I hope you can keep that a little secret for me.''

''What books does he send you to pick up?''

''The oldest dictionary you have.''

''In English?''

''Yeah, obviously.''

''Okay, let's see what we have in right now.''

I shuffle after him, glaring at the people we pass to make them more uncomfortable than I am. I hate this fucking feeling of nervousness. I generally don't feel fear - if I do, it excites me or switches to anger. But fear and nervousness somehow aren't the same. This nasty feeling didn't develop until a couple of years ago, and I haven't gotten used to it yet. When it first happened, I didn't understand what it was and went into a rage and ripped my duvet into pieces until Mum enlightened me about nervousness.

I only really feel uneasy when I truly care about something or someone, which isn't a lot or many people. I guess that's somewhat fortunate, but this is bad enough. Kinda the same thing happened with embarrassment. I never felt it until one day, and now I'm plagued by it. Nonetheless, embarrassment is a little bit like fear and can give me a kick.

Nervousness is plain shit and gives me nothing but suffering.

I really don't understand people who walk around constantly on edge and worried about everything and anything. How do they survive?

''Are you coming over after work?''

''I thought you would never ask–''

''Yes or no!?'' I snap.

''Yes. Relax,'' he chuckles. ''Are your parents going to be home?''

''Maybe. Just pretend they aren't home if they are,'' I grumble.