chapter 78.

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"Wow, could you be any more blunt about it?" I chuckle dryly, turning my gaze up to the ceiling.
Lizzie stays quiet as she turns on the coffee machine.

"I didn't even take any," I add under my breath.

"I know, Lex. But you thought about it and that's enough of a concern," she sighs.

Nothing else is said for the next few minutes until she comes over with a cup of coffee and sits herself down beside me on the couch.

"Thanks," I mumble, taking the mug from her and sit up myself. "You're welcome, babe," she sends me a small smile.

As I start to drink, my gaze is focused on the rug tucked underneath the coffee table in front of me as my thoughts race. The guilt I feel about what happened last night is immeasurable.
It's overwhelming.

I've probably made Lizzie freak out because it's my first time ever staying with her and on the second night she found me on the cold bathroom tiles with a bleeding arm and a bottle of pills beside me.
And as for Mom, I know her and I know that she wouldn't have slept after that phone call. Plus, she has to fly all the way back to Atlanta because of my stupid brain.

"Do you think Mom's going to be mad at me?" I ask Lizzie with some slight hesitation. "Oh Lex, no of course not. Why would you think that?"
"Well, she has two other kids that she hasn't seen in two weeks and now she's coming back here because I screwed up again."

"You didn't screw up, baby. You're going through a really hard time at the moment and you can't blame yourself for that," she says, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder.
I take a few moments and try to allow her words to sink in.

"Can I tell you something, Lizzie?"

"Of course."

"Fifty percent of the time I actually feel fine. I feel somewhat happy and do want to get better. But the other fifty percent of the time my mind is dark, and that seems to outweigh any joy that I might be feeling because it's really, really dark. I can't reason with myself when it gets like that and I just do. I don't think about the consequences or results of it because I literally can't. It's so consuming."

I gather myself and take a deep breath before continuing. "When I went to bed last night I was happy. I didn't want to die and I hadn't even had a thought about it, but then I woke up a few hours later and it was like something switched in my brain and it was all I could think about."

Lizzie looks at me sorrowfully as she places her coffee down on the side table and shuffles up beside me, pulling me into her arms. "I'm sorry, Lex. You know, I don't even have any advice because I've not been in the position myself but what I can say is, you're not alone, even though sometimes it might feel like you are. I obviously don't know the complete extent of your circumstances but I can tell you that even though you're still a kid and only five feet tall, you're stronger than majority of the people I know. You're so loved, pipsqueak."

"Thank you, Lizzie," I mumble, resting my head against her chest. She takes a breath to speak before being interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing. "It's your Mom."

"Hello," she answers.

"She says Olivia's had a last minute cancellation this morning if you want to talk with her?"


Lizzie informs Mom of my answer which not to my surprise, didn't satisfy her so the phone was passed to me.

"How are feeling this morning, honey?" She questions. "Tired, but fine-ish. I'm sorry for waking you up last night."
"Hey, no. Don't apologise, sweetheart. I managed to get a flight early this afternoon so I'll be in Atlanta to see you by the evening."

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