chapter 48.

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There's a voice in my head urging me to do it. To drag the blade that I'm holding in my right hand, across my forearm. Physically though, I'm not moving. I can't.

"Okay, Lexie. Here's the deal." The sound of my Mom's voice become apparent as her footsteps are heard coming into my bedroom. "Lexie?"
"Just a second," I call out, standing myself up from the bathroom floor as I roll down my sleeve and throw the blade into the cabinet under the sink.

I wipe my tears with the sleeves of my hoodie and take a deep breath before stepping out of the bathroom.

Mom eyes me suspiciously, before gesturing over to the bed. I lean my back against my headboard as she sits opposite me, crossing her legs.

"I wanna know, why'd you do it?" She asks, quirking an eyebrow. I avoid making any eye contact as I draw my knees up to my chest. "Am I going to have to guess?" She adds to which I shake my head.

"I thought it might make Annie feel better," I mumble. "So you suggested that you throw eggs at her ex-girlfriend's brand new car?"
"I didn't suggest it. She came up with the idea, I just went along with it."

"Okay," she takes a deep breath, "I understand that you were trying to help your friend, but two wrongs don't make a right, Lex. I'm gonna let you off easy this time, but if you ever do something like that again, there will be consequences."

I nod at this, resting my chin on my knees. "I'm really sorry," I say. "I know." She sends me a small smile which I return.

She gets up and presses her lips against my forehead. "You come get me if you need, yeah?" She says. "Okay."

"Wait, Mom?" I speak up just as she's about to walk out. "Yeah?" She turns her head back around to me and smiles gently. Taking a deep breath, I swallow harshly as my vision becomes blurry. "Sweetheart, what is it?"

"I...I feel like there's something wrong with me," I admit, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

"Oh honey," she coos, "there's nothing wrong with you, Lex. What makes you think that?"
Coming back over to my bed, she sits down next to me and wraps me in her arms.
"I just...I don't know. My mind feels really busy and I feel like it's overwhelming me and I don't know how to cope properly," I cry, resting my head on her chest, my tears falling onto her shirt.

"What is it that's making you feel overwhelmed, sweetheart?" She questions softly, her fingers brushing through my hair. "I don't really know, but for the first time I finally feel settled and safe somewhere and it means that everything I tried to push down is catching up to me all at once and it's too much."

"I understand that, my sweet girl. Just like you said though, you're in a safe place now and that means you can talk to me about absolutely anything. You don't have to keep bottling everything up anymore. You have so many people who love you and care about you," she says. Her tone gentle and somehow extremely comforting.

"Can you be honest with me when I ask you this?" She questions, pulling me closer.
I nod.
"Have you been hurting yourself at all again?"

Taking a deep breath, I shake my head. "I've wanted to though," I mumble.

"Oh sweetheart," she sighs. "Do you think that it might be a good idea for me to take any razors or scissors from you?"
"Yes please," I nod, breaking down into tears again.

"Alright," she says, placing a kiss on the top of my head. "And you know, at any time you can come to me, yeah? I don't care if it's the middle of the night, honey. You come get me if you get the urge to hurt yourself."

After holding my daughter in my arms for the last forty minutes, I decided that it might be a good idea to get her of the house so that she wasn't as stuck in her head.

We agreed upon going out for brunch and once our food arrived at our table, Lexie started apologising again but I quickly told her off for doing so.
It breaks my heart to begin to even think about the way she was raised into thinking that she wasn't allowed to say no, or allow herself to feel any negative emotions, and to feel like the only way to cope was to either bottle it up or take it out on herself.

It will probably take some time, but if there's anything I can teach Lex, it'll be to never let others make her feel bad in anyway about something that wasn't her fault or out of her control.

"Mom, there's a lot of people outside with cameras." Lexie points out the window. I follow her eyes and see that there is in fact a bunch of paparazzi waiting. "We'll ask to go out the back way when we're ready to leave, honey," I admit. "Are they paparazzi?" She questions to which I nod.

"I don't understand how it's legal," she frowns, turning her attention back to her waffles. "Me neither."

When we got back from brunch, I sat on the couch and spoke to Addy over FaceTime whilst she was on her lunch break at school. I felt awful because she was sat at our tree alone today since Willow sits with her old group now, rightly so, and Annie and I were suspended.

Eventually she had to get back to class so I joined my Mom in helping her do the laundry. It was boring. But it kept me busy which is something I've needed to do today.

When it came time to pick Rose up from school and Cosmo up from Mom's, Mom, I went with her, knowing that I couldn't trust myself to be left alone.

In the evening when Colin got home from work, we ordered Thai food for dinner and watched Frozen 2 for a family movie night, as per Rose's request.

Only 2 chapters left of Part 1!

I hope you all have a great week <3

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