chapter 72.

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*slightly in-depth description of self harm.

After my shower, I came out to see my Mom had made herself comfortable on my bed as she watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory. I've never seen it before, but I think everyone can recognise Sheldon Cooper.

"Can you change my bandages, please?" I ask her, looking down at the now very worn and wet bandages wrapped around my forearms. "Sure," she smiles gently, pulling herself from my mattress and placing a hand on my back as she leads me back into the bathroom.

I sit myself down on the counter space beside the sink as she crouches down to take out fresh dressings from the cabinet underneath, accidentally coming across the couple of blades I had hidden in plain sight.

"Are there anymore?" She questions, looking up at me as she tucks them into her back pocket. I pause for a moment before nodding. "Under the basket of cleaning products," I inform her in a whisper. "Thank you, sweetheart," she sends me a small smile before taking out the rest.

Once she stands back up with the fresh bandages in her hands, she places them down before gently unwrapping the ones I currently have on.

She hasn't seen the cuts yet, not since I relapsed, and I'm scared for her reaction. I'd never gone this deep before, never enough to leave scarring. Now, I'd be surprised if a couple of them didn't scar.
The guilt of eating anything started to get too much and on those days where I physically couldn't purge, I turned to cutting instead.

As the first bandage comes off, I watch as Mom's breath hitches and her eyes tear up.

"Sorry," I mumble, my heart racing through my chest.

She shakes her head, looking up at me with a sad smile. "Don't apologise for struggling, ever."

As her right hand cups my cheek, I let a tear fall which she instantly wipes away with the pad of her thumb. "I love you, Mama," I crack a small smile. "I love you too, my sweet girl. So, so much."

After cleaning up my arms and replacing them with fresh bandages, I finally change into something other than a towel and pull on a pair of fluffy socks.

"Do you want to help me cook dinner tonight?" Mom suggests. "Sure, what is it?"
"Chow mein? Or we can make a stir-fry?"

"Chow mein sounds good," I decide, slipping under my sheets as I reach for the tv remote. She goes to sit down beside me before we're interrupted by a knock on my already open bedroom door.

My attention quickly turns to Addy as she stands nervously with a bouquet of flowers in her hands. "Would it be okay if we had a few minutes?" I ask Mom to which she nods. "I'm gonna leave the door slightly open though, okay?"
"Okay," I agree, sighing.

I informed her of Addy and I's falling out yesterday afternoon and she definitely wasn't pleased with what Addy had said to me. In fact, I don't think I've seen her go from loving someone to strongly disliking them in such a short space of time.

After talking about the situation a little longer though, and explaining what to her what Olivia had told me, her full blown Mamabear mode managed to calm a little.

I watch as she sends Addy a slight smile before walking past and presumably making her way downstairs.

"Hi," I mumble, bringing my knees to my chest. "Hey," she smiles lightly, stepping into my bedroom. "Can I sit?"

With my consent, Addy takes a seat at the end of my bed, crossing her legs. "I'm so sorry, Lex," she speaks genuinely, biting the inside of her cheek.

I nod, staying silent.

"I was trying to find an excuse as to why you were 'wrong' for needing space," she adds, using quotation marks, "and I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I did not mean a single thing I said. I lashed out because I was feeling insecure and had a shitty morning and I'm sorry. I understand if you need time or space to process it or if you don't want to be together anymore."

I pause, taking in every word she said as I feel a tear slip down my right cheek.
My stupid go-to emotion is to cry.

"Addy, I just want to be with you," I admit in a whisper.


"Yes. I mean, what you said was really shitty and if you say something like that to me again I will dump your ass so hard no matter how hard it might be for me, but I forgive you. I love you," I tell her.

She shuffled her way up my bed to sit beside me, gently cupping my face in the palm of her hands before pressing her lips against mine.

"I love you too, Lexie Johansson-Jost," she whispers, our noses brushing as our foreheads rest against each others.

"Oh, these are for you," she remembers, reaching for the flowers that she'd left sitting at the bottom end of my bed. "Thank you," I smile lightly, "I'll go put them in a vase when we get up. I need to tell you something first though."


After the few minutes it took for me to explain the incident that was last night, Addy's in tears which was definitely not my intention.
I just wanted her to know so that she didn't think I was blowing her off by not being able to go to school or spend as much time with her.

However, after assuring her that I was going to be okay and that I do in fact get out of the shitty place my mind has been in, we both gathered ourselves before going downstairs to help Mom with dinner.

"Just a warning, my mother isn't a huge Addy fan right now so if she gives you the cold shoulder, you know why," I explain to my girlfriend as we walk through the hallway into the kitchen.

"Yeah, well I can't really blame her," she giggles.

As we walk into the kitchen, Mom makes no effort in hiding her annoyance towards Addy which if I'm completely honest, I find a little funny.

"Addy's staying for dinner," I tell her, not even bothering to ask because she probably would say no at this point.

She nods, taking out the noodles we'll need for the chow mein.

"Adelaide," Mom speaks, giving my girlfriend what I can only describe as her Natasha Romanoff glare.

"Oof, you're getting the full name," I giggle, as we sit beside each other on the kitchen stools.

"You say something like that to my daughter again and you won't be welcome here anymore," she quirks an eyebrow.

"Okay Mom, let's move on. She apologised," I tell her. "Good," she smiles satisfactorily, "now, help me chop up the veggies."

This took me 45 minutes to write and I have never written something so fast in my life

Anyways, it's technically Lexie's birthday today

Also, here's the description for my new book :)

Also, here's the description for my new book :)

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