My Future Husband

Chapter 53

“Good luck!” Milo shouts as I run from the car. “And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

“Considering the toys I found at your place the last time I was snooping, I’m not sure there’s anything you wouldn’t do!” Dirty fuckers.

“Stop going through my drawers!”

“Never!” How else am I supposed to know everyone’s secrets?

My nipples are so fucking sore, I pumped out every drop I had for Teal, but it was worth it just to see the look on Josh's face. Have you ever seen a squeamish gay man watch a woman use a double breast pump whilst she looks him right in the eye? Freaking hilarious.

I stumble right over the top step, crashing through the front door of my former home and making everyone jump out of their skin.

“May? My lord, are you okay, sweetheart?” Mama T looks over the couch at me like I’ve gone insane, Liz jumping up in a fighter stance ready to kill, Brie too busy watching Patrick Swayze on the screen to realise I’m even here, and Heather holding a cold compress to her very hangover mother’s head. I get invited to these girls nights every week, but there’s only so much Dirty Dancing I can watch.

“I’m fine, I’m sorry to interrupt but... I need you all to dress me.” They all look at me with confusion. “I’ve got a date... with Kage.”

I wait for the reaction, but it takes a solid twenty seconds of them all just staring at me blankly, before each one jumps to their feet.

“About time!”

“Hallelujah!”

“Thank fuck for that!”

“Praying to Idris Elba does work!”

They all start clapping and hugging like I’ve just won best album at the fucking Grammys. Charming.

Well, all of them except for Leah, who offers me a smile before burying her head back in a pillow to block out the noise. Bless.

“Go get your ass in the shower, I’ll heat up the wax.” Brie claps merrily before running up the stairs.

“I don’t need to fucking wax! I shaved yesterday!”

“Bitch please, everyone knows day-old shaved pussy is basically asking for your guy to get a free exfoliation! If Elba was here she’d agree with me, she definitely knows her stuff.” Never tell me how you know that. “We need you smooth as a baby’s bum before he has dinner.” I can’t believe she’s allowed to say these things in public!

“Brianna!” Mama T hides her face in her hands, but Liz just nods her agreement.

“She’s right, dear. When Phil grew in his beard, I had to make him use a special oil because I kept getting a rash on my thighs when he would-”

“Heather is right there!” And I don’t need to know about that! I have an unsettlingly abnormal amount of sex dreams about Coach as it is!

Not that I can ever tell Liz that. I appreciate my spleen being inside my body too much.

“Oh God, I’ve got the perfect outfit for you!” Heather grabs my hips, spinning me around and checking out my body. “It was supposed to be for a school project but you can have it. I might have to add a piece in the back for your ass but it should fit everywhere else... I’ve got shoes too! I only finished gluing them this morning but they should be dry by now!” I love this girl so much. She comes through for me every damn time.

“You know how much I love a Thompson original. Thanks chick, do you want me to get Milo back to run you over to the house?”

“No, I’ve got it.” She puts her fingers in her mouth, whistling like she’s calling a dog from across the farm, right before Liam comes running out of the dining room. She needs to teach me how to do that. “Come with me to the house? I’ve got to pick up that outfit off the mannequin.” I don’t know why she’s even asking, everyone knows he's never going to say no to her.