Something Golden

76.

**TW : Talks of suicide**

May 3 1998

All my life I've been in survival mode. Every decision I made was purely based on self preservation and then came along Granger. My own well-being ceased to hold any importance, she became my life and so now, as I struggle to open my eyes and the weight of what feels like a thousand bricks on my chest, I find myself wanting nothing more than to be dead. I just lay here, completely debilitated by denial, staring at the ceiling.

I twist my ring between my fingers and wait to feel something, even the faintest pulse but there's nothing. No. It wasn't real. This isn't real. It can't be. There's a light knock on my door as it begins creeping open, my mother's head popping inside as she says "Draco, are you awake?" I'm silent. This is all just a nightmare. I'll wake up soon. My mother must've stepped further in and seen that my eyes were open because now she's rushing across the room, her hands folding overtop mine, the mattress dipping down as she sits beside me.

"Do you know where you are?" She asks, her eyes flicking back and forth between mine. Of course I do, I'm in my room at the manor. "Do you know what day it is?" Now that, I don't have an answer to. "It's Sunday May 3." She tells me. Okay, so it's the next day. How did I get here? The last thing I remember is- my eye twitches slightly. Mother must've been able to read my mind because she goes on to say "I brought you here when the rest headed back to Hogwarts."

"Is father here?" I ask, unsure of how I'll react if she says yes.

Her head shakes. "I don't know where he is, he hasn't returned." I feel her hand tighten around mine. "Draco, do you remember what happened?"

Please don't say it, don't make me relive it.

"The boy stepped forward and was killed, I've received word that he survived somehow. Draco, darling." Her voice softening as her fingers brush the hair off of my forehead. "They did it, Voldemort is dead, they won. But the girl.." She trails off.

No. I don't want to hear it. It isn't true.

"Hermione- she-"

Sitting up, I climb off of my bed and walk over to my closet. Quickly, I slip on a jacket, a pair of shoes and grab the single knife that lay on my dresser. My mother is calling out for me as I descend down the stairs but I don't respond. I head straight for the kitchens and locate Mippy.

"Mr. Malfoy!" She exclaims, startled by my sudden presence. "Are you hungry? Mippy can make you something!"

"Take me to the cottage." I instruct.

"Yes Mr. Malfoy. Right away Mr. Malfoy."

As she reaches for my hand my mother barges in. "Draco, where are you going?"

"I made a promise mother. I intend to make good on it." Turning my attention back to the house elf I say "Now, Mippy."

I'm not even sure how many of them survived or if they'd even come back here but it's the only place I could think of. My hand shakes as it hovers over the handle. If I step in there and she doesn't come running towards me, if she doesn't throw her body into my arms like always, I-

Taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling, I turn the knob and push the door open. As I step inside I find myself wishing I appreciated my time here, our time here. It was overcrowded and boring but we were together. The sound of footsteps cause my head to snap up but once I see that it's just him my chest tightens and throat begins to close.

"Mr. Malfoy, you shouldn't be here." His hair is disheveled and it's obvious he has yet to shower as dirt still covers his face. I don't know how to explain it but I can feel his grief, the sorrow that's consuming him. I recognize the strain in his eyes, it's the kind that only one holds when they've lost someone that they love. "The ministry has already begun rebuilding and there's an order out for y-"