Something Golden

39.

 November 16 1996

This cabinet is fucking stupid and a waste of time. I've made no further progress since transporting that apple. It's five till midnight and I've spent my entire day in here which took me by surprise when I checked my watch. There's no windows so I had zero concept of time.

Calling it a day, I head to the back of the room. Sometime during my second week of coming here I discovered the mirror of erised hidden under an old blanket. I had read about it before and figured something like this would be stowed away somewhere within the walls of Hogwarts. I don't use it often but on harder days I find myself standing before it, today being one of those.

It takes no more than a few seconds for her to appear behind me in the reflection.

"I've made a mess of things grandmother." I say. She doesn't respond, of course she doesn't, she's dead. She does, however, offer me a sympathetic nod. "I had an out, a sure way to keep her safe but I was selfish." I continue, taking a seat on the ground. "Do you remember the girl that I used to complain to you about? The one who was always managing to mark higher than me?"

She clasps her hands in front of her and nods again.

"It's her. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, to fall for her. I first fell in love with competing against her, it was refreshing to have someone challenge me academically. I analyzed her, took note of all of her quirks and weaknesses. She didn't have many of the latter." I let out a soft chuckle. "She's extraordinary, you would have loved her. She's bold, ambitious, caring, extremely stubborn and absolutely mesmerizing."

I'm now fiddling with the lace of my shoe, unable to look my grandmother in the eyes. "I don't know when I switched from loving the competition to loving her. Perhaps I always have." I admit. "All I know is that no matter what I do I'm always going to love her but I don't know how to keep her safe. That's not to say I won't do whatever I can but father he-" My voice catching. "He's done what he does best, put himself and his ego first without thinking about who it will effect. And now here I am, a 17 year old assassin in charge of other assassins. This wasn't what I wanted."

Finally stealing a glance up at her, I see her hand resting gently over my shoulder in the reflection. I want so badly to break right now, to let everything spill out, but I can't because if I do I don't know if I'll be able to put everything back. I have to remain strong right now, I have to remain numb to it.

"I wish you were still here grandmother." Gods do I wish she was. She was the only one who was ever brave enough to step up to my father, to call him out on his selfish ways. I remember overhearing a heated argument between the two of them when I was 10. She was scolding him for not prioritizing his family, telling him that he's failing my mother as a husband and me as a father. That if he continued the way he was I was going to end up just as messed up as him and she was right because that's exactly what happened.

She passed three years ago and it still hurts to think about. I think I've always used a form of occlumency growing up, even if I wasn't aware of it. Once my father started to really show his true colors and "toughen" me up is when I began sorting and locking away certain memories and emotions.

If I ever cried or screamed when he would hurt me I was met by more punishment. The only way I was ever able to get through those nights would be to file everything away. It makes sense that I mastered it so quickly when my mother began teaching it to me.

I spend a few more minutes with my grandmother before departing.

Back in my dorm, Granger in my arms as she reads a book, I finally say what I've been thinking about for awhile now. "I'm going to teach you occlumency."