Something Golden

71.

February 11 1998

Now it's me who is curled up in bed and refusing to speak. After my breakdown with Granger I've locked myself away in this room. There's too many things going on in my head and I just need quiet.

For awhile I was trying to figure out how I'm not dead, I killed the Weasley bloke. I finally settled on the fact that it's because it wasn't under my control, a loophole if you will. Still, I can't bare the idea of facing Fleur right now which is so pathetic. Since when have I ever cared about what others think of me? I'm beginning to think my occlumency dropping has not only turned my emotions back on but also turned me into a weak little git.

Granger pops her head in every few hours to bring me food but I know she's actually just trying to see how I'm holding up. Everyone is worried I'm about to off myself but not her, she's worried that I'm going to occlude again. Honestly, I've thought about rebuilding the walls, locking everything away, but I don't have the energy right now. Feeling sad, angry, even somewhat guilty really takes it out of you and I'm not a fan.

Luna has visited me a few times, she's the most tolerable of them all. She just stands over by the window and goes on about whatever nonsense is in her head, I'll never tell her but I'm thankful. I've always hated pity but especially now. I hate the way Granger looks at me. Her eyes are full of such worry and sympathy. I'm not deserving of that. Oh no, poor Draco, dealing with emotions again. No. Just because I broke down doesn't change who I am, what I am. Crying doesn't suddenly make me a good person. At least Fleur still sees the true me, a killer. The occlumency helped with everything and perhaps it aided in a more merciless approach to all of the assignments I was given but I still would have done them regardless.

I've decided to put my own pitiful feelings aside and focus on the task at hand. I've been gone for days now and for the first time, I've failed an assignment. Voldemort surely knows something went wrong and as if he didn't already want me dead... if I show my face again and return empty handed then that's it. I'll just be another dead body on the floor. There's no going back now, no more playing double agent. It makes me nauseas to say this but it looks like I'm fully stuck on the "good" side.

In-between hyperventilating I've tried to remember every piece of information I have that could help the mighty golden trio with their horcrux hunt. There really isn't much but I have my theories. First off, that bloody snake is clearly one. It's like Voldemort's safety blanket and for the longest time I couldn't understand why he constantly had it attached to his hip but now it makes sense. I'd be more than happy to kill the damn thing but if it's truly a horcrux then none of my knives would be able to do the trick. As for the rest of the horcruxes, I haven't the slightest fucking clue what or where they are. Okay, I have one other theory but it might just be fueled by my distaste for the certain individual.

I should probably share my recent discoveries with the bleeding-heart fools but that would involve speaking to them and right now that's the last thing that I want to do. I may be able to occasionally slow my mind down enough to have a few minutes of clarity but my throat still feels tight and anytime I go to open my mouth I instantly get choked up. I'd rather die than let any of them see me that way.

There's a knock at my door and I already know that it's Theo. Along with Granger's constant check ins he's also been visiting every hour. He doesn't share the same expression as her though, he knows that I've been through far worse than this. Another difference is, if it were up to him I'd already be occluding again, apparently I'm more "stable" when doing so.

Most of the time when he comes in he just sits in the corner and stares at me, this time is a bit different though. He still seems timid, unsure of what to say but he walks straight up to me, rips the covers off of my body and says "You need to shower." I don't say anything, I just offer him a side eye that's essentially telling him to fuck off. He lets out an irritated sigh, rolls his eyes, reaches for my arm and drags me out of the bed. I react as any sane person would, my fingers wrap around his throat and I slam him up against the wall.