better someday

325 10 3
                                    

tw // depression

Her eyes burned into the clock. Tic. Toc. Tic. She laid there, staring at the ceiling, her body a lone fragment of life in an empty, quiet house. Everyone was gone, as always, her parents working late hours into the night.

Everyday was the same, she would maybe see her parents before they left in the mornings but that was rare. They would go to work, she would go to school, and she'd be lucky to have more than a few conversations with them a week.

A routine that never changed. Leaving a school where no one talked to her to come home to an empty house where she had no one to talk to. Her lack of social life resulted in quietness, a trait pushing her away from everyone at school. No one cared about the quiet girl, no one tried to talk to her.

She tossed a ball around but a molded plastic figurine wasn't enough to occupy her vast preteen mind. Over and over again she read the posters on the wall, desperately trying to pass the time. Her phone was boring, opening and closing the same apps grew much too repetitive much too fast.

Emmy tossed and turned atop her bed. Her mind floated every where and back, thoughts racking her from within. She felt useless, worthless, like no one cared, no one wanted to see her, no one would mind if she wasn't here at all. She had long fallen into a deep depression that would come in waves that at times made her feel as if she couldn't stay afloat.

Psychology would tell you that human nature looks for someone to blame for their problems, someone to look at and say You're the reason why, but Emmy didn't blame anyone. It wasn't always easy, not always easy to take the higher road, but the more she placed blame, the deeper the tunnel dug, and the harder the road out was.

She was an only child, adopted before she could even understand it. She didn't blame her parents, she couldn't looking at just how much they went through to adopt her. It wasn't fair to them to hold anger for leaving her lonely. More kids wasn't an option, they had demanding jobs, and pets... Emmy wouldn't be able to care for them all by herself.

So, every night she sat. Every night she wallowed, dreaming of a future full of people. A future full of love, conversation, and joy. Tears came often, sadness erupting at the thought of living like this forever. She was constantly terrified of forever being lonely, of never having anyone to care for or anyone care for her. All of this combined weighed her down. It was so overwhelming to not let it consume her, but she had to, she had to hold on to the hope that one day she wouldn't be here, one day she'd be surrounded by community, surrounded by love.

-

"Emmy," Daveed said, looking down from where he had his arms wrapped around her, "Baby, are you crying?"

A single tear draped her face like raindrops on a window. She wiped the tear, taking a moment to gather herself before answering.

"I'm- i'm sorry, I just-, nevermind," Emmy said, wiping the tears that continued gathering in her eyes. Once the tears began, she couldn't seem to hold them in, different but familiar waves overtaking her.

"Em, what's wrong?" he said, giving her shoulder a squeeze, "We tell each other everything, it's ok, whatever it is, it's ok,"

"I can't believe I'm here," she said clearly but softly through her tears.

"What do you mean?" Daveed said, squeezing her hand to lead her on.

"You're holding me and I'm holding my daughter. All those years- I just can't believe it," she said, another tear dropping but the smallest smile crossing her lips.

Daveed didn't really say anything, so Emmy continued talking.

"The hours I spent alone in my childhood home, I could only dream I would once have this. Dreams that I would once be able to love someone and have that love reciprocated," her tears began falling freely once again, "So many nights I cried myself to sleep, loneliness and sadness consuming me. It was so hard to see a way out, but now, I'm here, and I'm just- I don't know. I'm so happy, so happy for this life, so happy to be with you, so happy we have a daughter."

Daveed shook his head from side to side with a wide but soft smile on his face. She could see tears gathering along his waterline. "You amaze me," he said as his own tear decorated his face.

"Nothing amazing about it," she shrugged, rubbing her daughter's back to coax her back to sleep.

"Of course there is. You were shown barely any love as a child, left to fend for yourself, but you turned out to be the most amazing mother, the most incredible wife. Your love radiates from such a deep place inside you and you share it so well. You're so outgoing, so outspoken, and I love that so much about you." Daveed said, placing a lingering kiss on her forehead.

Their daughter stirred before bursting out into a loud cry. Emmy sat her up and began to rock her. "Don't cry El, Mommy's here, Mommy's right here."

After a few more rocks, Elena's cries did not cease, so Emmy stood to check her diaper. Emmy whispered to her daughter as she walked over to the changing table, constant reassurance that she was there, and that her daughter was safe with her.

A fresh diaper quieted the screams and Elena was back asleep wrapped in her Mommy's embrace. Daveed was still in their chair, the chair they sat in every night, almost like a routine.

"Is that my baby girl?" Daveed cooed, tickling his daughter before quickly pulling away at the realization that she was sleeping.

"If she wakes up, your turn," Emmy laughed, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"Anything for you, my love," Daveed said, kissing her once again, "I'm so lucky to have you in my life, I love you forever."

a/n- soo... might've sobbed writing this.. uh, not getting into that buttt thanks for reading!! means the world to me!! feel free to like or reply ily all<333

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