the strongest avenger (2)

eleven

I'm 23 now.

It's been five whole years.

I'm not gonna lie, they fucking sucked.

I'm finally starting to get better, starting to get back to normal. But only recently.

The first two years I was a shell of who I normally am. I kept getting nightmares of when Peter died and even from my past when I was held prisoner. I couldn't sleep—wouldn't sleep.

Bruce gave me sleeping pills, and I actually used them way too much.

I probably spent more hours sleeping than being awake in those first few years.

I had lost a lot of weight too, forgetting to eat and shit like that. Tony and Pepper were really worried, it wasn't until I started to get somewhat better in year three that they moved out of the Compound.

There was also an incident, it was a couple years ago when I saw no other way to relieve my pain. I just—I couldn't do it anymore, and I just wanted it all to end. So, I jumped from the roof of the tower, as Tony rebought it, hoping to die.

I didn't die though, nope. Now there's just a large crack in the ground from where I landed on my back, still breathing.

Kina ironic, kinda funny if we're being honest here.

I took this as a sign that it wasn't my time to go yet, and that's when I realized that I was here for a reason. I was alive for a reason. And I wasn't going to waste away. That's when I started to pick up the pieces of my broken soul.

But it's a work in progress.

Bruce has been living at the tower ever since. He calls sometimes, and talks about how he stays in the labs and does tests and all that crap.

He's moved on. We don't even see him much.

Nat went away for a few years, she wanted to figure out things on her own, but she always comes back. Her and I are similar in the way that we can't really let go. She's here now, so that's nice.

Tony and Pep moved into their lakeside cabin and had Morgan, my little sister who I adore. Occasionally, I babysit the girl and we have some fun. My dad tends to only visit every couple of months, which is fine, we text and call.

Thor...he struggles. Him and Valkyrie are in New Asgard, he's supposed to be the king, but I know that Valkyrie is the real one leading things, even though I haven't even met her.

Rocket, Nebs and Carol are in space. They stayed for a little but went out to help other planets in distress. Gonna be honest, I don't even know what Rhodey does.

And then Clint...I'm not even gonna go there.

Steve and I grew close. Especially when there was no one staying at the Compound. Once Tony and Pepper left, it was literally just us two for over a year.

He helped me accept that Peter wasn't coming back, that he's dead and that I won't see him again. I've come to terms with that. It still hurts, sometimes I cry when I get set off. I've let my love for him go, because I have to move on...but it's so damn hard.

I can't watch movies. I can't watch sun rises or sunsets. I just can't.

MJ and Ned dusted too.

So I lost my best friends, but I kind of gained some of my others back.

It's ironic, isn't it? Swap out the new with the old.

Around last year I started going to Steve's meetings. My therapist had moved to a different state, but she still fills my prescriptions for me. Steve's meetings actually help, I get to talk about my feelings, not worrying about being judged. I like them, like talking.