I watch as Magnolia rests in bed, sleeping soundly after taking painkillers. Maids gently tend to her injuries, applying ointment and bandages.
The emperor's affection towards me had caused a disastrous situation. The weight of it all impossible to digest, I can only raise questions of it all.
How did they know about what happened to me? What should I have done in that moment of fear? Why couldn't I protect Magnolia from experiencing what I've gone through? Why am I so weak?
Anger, confusion, and guilt weighs me down further as I finally question if this was divine punishment, for neglecting my 'duties'. No matter how far away from home I am, the wretched throne keeps following me. Seeming as though my only destiny was to rule the throne.
Magnolia sleeps in front of me, yet even as I sit here and blame myself for it all, I can't help but remember the emperor's voice.
His voice—gentle yet sensually deep—still causes a slight tickle behind my ear as his words repeat in my mind.
My throat tightens as everything that races through my mind becomes too much, every thought pulling me in every direction.
Magnolia being in such a state because of me, the emperor's voice stuck in my head, and the memories of my parents playing in my thoughts, the guilt and pain of it all is unbearable.
My eyes tear up as I watch Lance gingerly tend to the scrape on my hand.
The scenes of abuse from my parents, mixed with Renesha holding a rod about to strike me. The hazy memory of a lady being hit in front of me, mixes with today's events. Magnolia's screams and cries resembling how I had sounded, and my parents voice as clear as day shouting at me. The memories grow louder and louder, making it impossible to focus on any sounds around me.
I can only shut my eyes, hoping for the loud deafening memories to silence.
"My lady?" Lance gently calls out.
The sound of his light whispered voice, seeming to rescue me from the spiral.
The memories quiet down as I look back at him, a breath escaping my lungs as I realize I was holding my breath for what seems to be ages.
"My lady, are you okay?" He asks, staring at my trembling hands.
"Y-Yes... I just feel a tad cold." I lie, giving a small smile as I try to regulate my breaths.
He simply nods until giving a small smile.
"Lady Luna, would you like to talk?"
I tilt my head, watching Lance unwrap another bandage.
"About what?" I ask.
"Anything on your mind. How you're feeling, if there's anything troubling you."
"I..." I bite my lip, the shame holding back my words.
"Only if you're comfortable with it, of course... But, I'm happy to listen if you wish to tell me what's on your mind." Lance gives a kind, welcoming smile.
Unable to stop, tears drip from my eyes.
Questions ruminate through my mind as I look back at Lance, an air of safety emanates from him—the comforting air similar to Sylvan's.
Feeling reminiscent over Sylvan, I open my mouth, allowing my feelings to come into light.
"I feel guilty... Maggie's hurt because of me."
"Why does that cause so much guilt?" he asks.
"Because... It's my fault she's injured." I stammer, my voice as quiet as a mouse, "Because I came here, because she was my maid, she was hurt... It's my fault she's hurt... But I can only think about how painful and scary it was to face my parents' anger. I'm selfish to think about my experiences, when she's the one who got hurt."
Lance nods, handing me a tissue.
"Lady Luna... You were not at fault. You didn't speak the command to hurt her, and you weren't the one to strike her."
"But I'm unable to focus my thoughts on her... It makes me feel as though I'm the same as the ladies who hurt her, neglecting to think about the pain she's in. I'm no better than them, and in the end, it's my fault she's in such a state." I sob, wiping the wetness from my eyes.
"My lady, it's okay." Lance gently shushes me, trying to calm me down, "My lady, why are you reminded of your parents?"
"B-Because it was similar... The screaming and crying, the sound of each hit, they all play in my mind and I wish I could get rid of it. I wish my mind would silence, I wish I could focus on what to do for Maggie right now. I wish I can devote my mind to her, but I'm a horrible person for not being able to do something as simple as that."
"Lady Luna... You are not selfish." Lance speaks up.
"But how can I not be?"
"Because you're not ignoring her pain... I feel sorry, I truly do for what you've gone through. I can't even begin to imagine what you experienced your whole life."
I look back at Lance, trying to stop my tears.
"But I know that it's difficult to release the grip the past can have on you. It's hard to move on from everything you've experienced, so I know it's not easy to forget about. It's a difficult life you had, so please forgive yourself or at least be kinder to yourself. It's okay that it reminded you. It's okay that you see yourself in Magnolia, It's okay that you're questioning yourself, and it's okay that you're stuck with the memories you had."
"But how can I face her after this?"
"You'll face her as you always have—as the lady she serves. The lady who put herself in danger to protect a maid. The lady who experienced terrible acts, yet set it aside to be brave for a young girl who wanted to protect you too."
A hiccup stays in my throat, trying to hold back my sobs as I look back at Lance's kind expression.
"You'll face her as you've always done." He gives a small reassuring smile.
His whisper so quiet I almost begin to question if he spoke, but the weight of his words—resounding enough to silence all the thoughts that ran through my mind.
I look back at Magnolia who sleeps soundly, until my eyes focus on Lance again.
"You're right... Thank you." I whisper, my head finally clear.
Lance focuses on bandaging my hand again, furrowing his brows.
Hesitating, he begins to speak.
"Lady Luna?"
"Yes?"
"Would you consider talking to his highness?... Whatever happened last time, please forgive him. I shouldn't be speaking to you about this, but I believe his highness has grown fond of you."
"Fond of me? What makes you think that?"
"These past few months he's been suffering from being unable to meet you... He's a man that lets his anger control him at times, but I know he's never regretted his actions. He's a man who has confidence in each decision he makes, and even when driven from his anger, he'll always think it was the right choice... Until now. He feels guilty for what he's done to you, and I know it's taken a toll on him. I can't bear to see his highness in agony any longer... So please, speak to him when he gets back, and I'll stay by Magnolia's side." Lance smiles slightly, his eyes filled with sadness as he looks up at me.
Surprised with his words, the look in his eyes cause me to agree immediately.
Hours go by as the sun begins setting.
I wait in the emperor's bedroom, restlessly pacing the room.
The door opens and I eagerly turn to face him.
Emperor Cabel walks in appearing fatigued, his cold gaze focused to the ground.
I freeze, unable to even make a sound at the sight of his clothes—drenched in blood.
"Y-Your highness." I stammer.
His eyes shoot up to meet my stare.
"Why are you here?" He angrily questions.
"I-I apologize! I wanted to speak with you when you returned."
"Sit and wait in my office. I need to clean up." He sighs, averting his eyes from mine.
He enters the bathroom, shutting the door quickly.
I stand frozen, staring at the trail of blood. His shoe prints perfectly imprinted with blood on the marbled floor, the thick heavy scent of iron hits my nose.
I rush out of the room, the smell causing my stomach to twist.
I patiently sit on the sofa in the emperor's office.
Fidgeting my fingers, I stare at the hue of my tea. The vivid image of thick blood that trailed behind the emperor, stuck in my mind. The black tea in my cup, a dark orange shade, begins to resemble blood.
My stomach twists as I look at the pristine cup, filled with vibrant dark blood.
"What do I say?" I whisper, panicked at the state my mind is in.
The chills that rush through my body from the sight of the emperor, and the sickening resemblance the colour of the tea has, I clench my fists.
Suddenly, the doors of the office open.
Emperor Cabel enters, his hair still wet. Combing his fingers through his hair, he wears a tucked black tunic shirt with slim black pants. His shoes click faintly against the floor as he walks in. The sick feeling disappears as I notice the slight furrow in his brow, his eyes seeming exhausted.
He looks at me without speaking a word.
Emperor Cabel stands a few feet from me as he thinks to himself. His expression difficult to read, but a sorrowful look within his eyes, makes the words I want to say become clear.
Unable to wait for him to speak first, I stand up and curtsy.
"I apologize for entering your bedroom without permission..." I whisper, breaking the silence.
There's another moment of silence as I watch him think to himself.
"Are you disgusted?" He asks.
I'm surprised by the grin on his lips, yet contradicting his expression from his eyes filled with a bittersweet look.
"I've killed my family, along with countless of nobles who've gone against me. Yet only right now I feel like a monster. When I saw you were hurt, I couldn't contain my composure... Foolish, aren't I?" He speaks.
"A-Are they all dead?" I ask.
He nods as his eyes coldly look back at me.
"The concubines are. The others are being punished accordingly."
From his words, tears fall from my eyes as I try to process everything.
Looking back at me saddened, the emperor takes a small step towards me until he stops himself.
"I've upset you that much, that you're crying?" His brow disappointedly furrowing.
I shake my head quickly, wiping my eyes.
"No, you haven't, your highness... I'm sorry. For now I want to apologize."
"Apologize? Did you hit your head falling down? What reason could you apologize for?"
"I-I stopped visiting and seeing you, because I was told you hurt my maid... It scared me because it resembled my father, so I thought the worst of you... But you were the one to help, when I ignored the pain I was causing to you."
His expression twists into a displeased-pained look, at the sound of my words.
"I was scared and angry, because if you were the one who hurt Magnolia... I-I wouldn't be able to protect her... When I was faced with Renesha, I froze. Yet you came and helped me, even when I despised you for doing something you had no part of. So, I'm sorry, your highness, I truly am." I curtsy, lowering my head.
"I... I'm not a patient man." I look up at Emperor Cabel as he looks back at me, "Though I'm not patient, I still waited for you. Did you decline my invitations because of the last time we spoke?"
"No, your highness... I didn't come to see you because I believed that you hurt Magnolia..."
"I see."
"I'm sorry for misunderstanding you..." I whisper, tears begin to well up in my eyes as I think about Emperor Cabel waiting for me each day.
"You don't need to apologize, so understand that I don't plan to apologize for my decision to execute someone. I doubt you're unable to overlook it."
"I don't agree with killing, I don't think anyone does... It made me sick to see you in such a state, if I'm being honest."
Emperor Cabel's eyes are fixated on me, his eyes drawing me to him.
"I feel as though I held the sword that struck them... But, I could never hate you for it... I see a great ruler in front of me, and I know that you wouldn't execute someone recklessly. You protected me, and maybe one day that sword could be my demise—if I incur your wrath, but right now I can't bring myself to hate you. Only to ask for your forgiveness."
Emperor Cabel's eyes widen, confused. His stare pierces into me.
"I'm probably being presumptuous, but I'm truly sorry that I kept you waiting all this time-" I look away unsure of what his expression means.
Suddenly, a breeze blows through my dress as I'm quickly enveloped in warmth.
"Then don't keep me waiting again."
His deep voice rings into my ears.
Surprised, I look up at the emperor who hugs me close.
"Y-Your highness?" I exclaim, confused.
"Cabel." He says, his voice tickling my ear, "Cabel is fine."
His arms loosely wrapped around my waist, my hands rest on his broad chest.
I look up at him, taken aback from his gentle smile as he tucks a few strands of hair behind my ear.