Jonah's pov
She looks up at me finally with her eyes filled with tears, pain evident all over. I felt a part of my heart break..did I do that too her?? "You know what jonah.." her face scrunches as she tries her best to wipe away the tears and the new ones forcing their way out "no harm done, just like you said. No harm done." She wiped her face again walking past me to her house, I reach out grabbing her arm. She stops "let go of me" her voice was calm. I didn't let go "no, there was obviously harm done lucy. Tell me" she yanked her arm away "figure it out yourself jonah, you're not a fucking idiot" she storms inside and left me alone outside her house. There's really only one thing I did wrong, I wanted to make her feel better but with Lucy it's not always that easy. She would expect me to just leave and not run after her..so I'll do that. I walked up her steps and slowly opened the front door, I walked up the steps and freeze when her door opens. Daniel walks out with a frown, he sees me and shakes his head walking past me down the stairs "She doesn't want to talk" he mumbles, that won't stop me though. I knocked quietly opening the door not letting her even have the chance to shur me out. She stands up off her when she sees me "get out" her face was red from crying, I close the door behind "I'm not leaving you" she walls towards her bathroom "yes you are" she gets into the bathroom and locks the door. I walk to the door resting my head on it "lucy" i whisper, I know she can hear me. But she stays quiet, the only sound I hear is her weeping. I did that, I hurt her. The person who always wants to protect her and make her happy is the reason she's crying on her bathroom floor. Never in a billion years would I ever intentionally hurt her, I'm such a dumbass. I don't realise how fragile she is, she wants to be strong but after getting hurt over and over again..you just crack.
I fall to the ground leaning against the door, "I'm not leaving you" I say, she sniffles but doesn't say a word. I sit up with my back against the door, not making a sound but she still knew I was here. I didn't know how long it would take for her to come out but I was willing to stay here until she does. She cried for what felt like hours and each time she sniffled or wept my own guard broke. A wanted to cry with her, I wanted to feel the way I'm making her feel. Im such a horrible friend, I know I may seem like there was no harm done to me but that was a lie. But I rather continue lying to myself and her then letting the truth come out, I wasn't ready to be someone. Someone like her anyways, Lucy is all I could ever want in a girl but I'm not mentally ready let alone ready enough or even good enough for someone like her. Shes already so mature and knows what she wants and needs, she's ready for a relationship. She's loyal, bossy but in a good way, constructive and always right. Im quite the opposite of her, I need to grow before loving her. She doesn't deserve to get hurt anymore, she doesn't deserve me. Not after what I've done to her..
"Lucy I know you don't want to talk so just listen.." I let out the breath I was holding in "what I said was stupid, I don't know what I was thinking. I don't think before I say things, lately I've said things that only hurt you. The truth is I love you Lucy but you deserve more than me, I'm no good for you" she shuffles and the door opens, I look up at her. Her face was red from crying, I stand up "what if-" she wipes her face "what if I want you and only you" I bit my lip trying to hold back tears "you can't, you deserve better. I won't let you waste your time on me because in the end you'll end up hurt" she looks down at the ground, she didn't want to look at me and I don't blame her. I step closer "I'm sorry" she closes her eyes "can you-" she looks up at me "can you just give me some time" I nod and swallow hard, "yeah- um okay" I sigh and step away from her. "I'll see you around..?" I can't believe this was happening, I didn't expect her to just leave me like this..see you around? Are we even friends anymore?
"Okay" I whisper before walking out of her room and then her house. Where does this leave us, where do i stand in her life? I don't want to push her more than I already have, I'll leave her be for now. She where her head is, maybe we can still be best friends..atleast I hope so. I don't want to lose her, that's the whole reason I don't want to date her. I never want to lose her.
I lie in bed all night tossing and turning thinking of her, thinking of what I should have said differently all those times, thinking about what could have come from us or how everything would change. Am I the one suffering or is it her?
Lucy's pov
It shouldn't be his choice, I shouldn't have to stop loving him. I already fell for him, it hurts more to think we would never be together. I know what I want and I know what I deserve but I guess I'm not what he wants and I can't force that. It will take me awhile to fall out of love with him, if it's even possible but I know one way to make it happen quicker. I sit in bed starring down at my phone, before I even fully thought everything through I had already bought my ticket.
I get up from my bed and find Daniel outside my door, he stands up almost immediately "sorry, I was uh waiting for you" I shake my head gesturing it was okay "i uh just 2 tickets to Canada, do you want to go. If not I can ask sofia" his jaw drops, I know what I said shocked him but he didn't question my thinking "yeah..ill go but why Canada?" I walk into my room with him behind me "visiting a friend" I know it's sudden but I do miss him so I might as well go. I've always wanted to go to Canada too. I of course made sure he knew I was coming before I went. The trip would last for a week and I would be back home, maybe him and Daniel can help me clear my head. And no I don't mean to use them, they're two of my best friends other than Jonah still around. All my childhood friends broke ties with me, it sucks but its the circle of life.
"May I ask who?" I sit down on my bed and my head began to throb "My friend shawn" Daniel nods remembering me telling him about shawn. I grab my head and reach for some medicine, I take a few ibuprofen in hope it would help me with this headache. "We leave tomorrow afternoon" I texted Sofia the news, she was okay with it infact she wanted to invite her new boy toy over anyways. We lay down in my bed starring at the ceiling, the quiet didn't last long "are you doing this because of him?" I sigh and turn to meet Daniels gaze "yeah" I whisper, I bit the inside of my cheek "I need to go somewhere to clear my mind and you and Shawn have both helped me through this wild ride with Jonah. I need to be somewhere that doesn't remind me of him" I furrows his brows "are you planning on forgetting him? Why do you want to forget him?" I felt like crying but there was no tears left to cry "I don't want to forget him, I want to forget the feelings I've felt" he frowns and looks down my hands that sat on my stomach I had a tight grasp on them, he puts his hand on mine "I hope this goes well, I know how this all feels" he keeps his eyes on my hands and a part of me feels guilty "I'm not doing this to you right?" He shakes his head "at first yes but now, no. Trust me you're an amazing person and you're so beautiful inside and out.." He looks me in the eyes "I wouldn't want to make this time any more confusing plus I haven't been with you enough to fall, and i know I shouldn't and I won't because even if it doesn't happen you will never love someone like you love Jonah and I wouldn't be able to love you knowing I was never your first choice" my eyes finally let out more tears that I didn't know I had in me, I wish I never brought him between us or in this crazy roller coaster of emotions. I hurt him and although Daniel wont admit it I know I did it. His beautiful soul and heart were crushed by me, I have himhope then he realised that nothing could ever happen between us. The same thing Jonah did to me, I did to him "I'm so sorry" I whisper, he pulls me into his neck "shhhh" he fans his fingers through my hair "no need to be sorry, I'm over it. You'll always be my best friend and nothing will ever change between us. I didn't have enough time to fall as much as you did" I pull away from him and then pulling him into my neck "I'm still sorry daniel, I love you" his chuckle was muffled by the small space between us "I love you too" we lay in the same position quietly after awhile I began to her his low snores.
I never thought love could be so painful and confusing, I grew up with a family that loved one another. Yes there was sometimes fights but we would always apologize afterwards and made up, I had unconditional love from both my mom and brother although it was hard after my father left we all still loved eachother the same. When I grew older I seen how many times my brother would bring a girl over and then a different one he always seemed happy, the first time I heard him cry was when he was 16. I asked him what was wrong and he told me it was because his girlfriend left him, he didn't go into details then but at the time I thought relationships didn't mean anything until we were older. I didn't realise at the time how much it actually hurt my brother, years later I found out she cheated on him. My brother felt pain from being betrayed and thinking someone loved him but didn't love him back. From then is when I finally realised the horrors that came from love, the next thing I knew I got hurt over and over again by guy after guy. But I thought that would be the worse pain I would feel but I was wrong. What happened tonight will forever be a stake in my heart, the pain that I've been through and the pain I feel is so much worse than any other pain I felt. I think the worse pain is being in love with someone who isn't in love with you. All day they're all you think about, constantly running through your mind with every thought and every word, you miss them and crave just to be around them but they don't think about you, they don't crave you. They don't see you anymore than a friend but you see them as someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Everything you feel and think about towards them they think the opposite of you. Its like loving your celebrity crush, they make you happy and you think about them and the thought of love reminds you of them and all you want is to meet them and hope they would fall for you but they have no clue you existed, they never think of you because you're just another fan. It hurts when reality sets in, nothing will go the way you hoped and there's nothing you can change about it, you have no control. You must live with the pain, and live with the fact someone who you love deeply doesn't have the same depth of love.
Knowing there will never be a Jonah and i hurts like a bitch. I have deal with this pain until it finally goes away and the only way it will is time, I don't want to drop my friend ship with Jonah but that might be what I have to do. I can't get over him if I don't distance myself, it will only get worse. Maybe this is the end of Lucy and Jonah. I may need to start a new chapter, I'm old enough to move on, old enough to move and old enough to go to college. Maybe my next move is to start my singing career, it will help not thinking of him and not being around him. I want to say goodbye but that will give me hope for us and sadly i don't think there's any left. I can't continue to see him and be friends with him when all i want is more. It would only hurt me, so I guess this is it.
I get up finding a notebook and pen, I sit at my desk and began to write..
Dear jonah,
I've decided that we can't continue this, I know we've been friends for years and now that my secret is finally out..and you don't feel the same. I think it's time, I never wanted to this but this is the only way that will work. Im writing this letter to say goodbye, thank you for all the years of constant fun and happiness, thank you for being suck an amazing friend, you've become a big part of my life which is what makes this 100 times harder. I love you so fucking much jonah, so much that I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to be your friend, I can't continue to hurt myself like that. I usually never think of myself and even in this situation I'm not only thinking of myself. The only way to make this easier for me..for the both of us, is to end it all. So this is a goodbye message, I will cherish these memories we've made together, cherish the things you've taught me etc. Maybe years down the line we can reconnect, talk about our lives and how much they've changed, talk about our families and all that stuff. Im sorry it has to end this way but I can't think of any other way, I wish it didn't have to be this way but it is. Nothing will every change if we stay friends, this isn't your fault. Its mine and that's why I'm leaving, that's why I'm writing this letter. This hurts me so much but it would hurt more if I stayed in the sidelines for the rest of my life with you, I don't want to feel that way. So I guess this is the end..no more Lucy and Jonah, no more jo jo and lu. Goodbye jonah, don't completely forget about me. I love you:/
~sincerely Lucy
I folded the letter into three and shoved it into an envelope, I wrote Jonah's name on the front and got my car keys. I drove to his house slipping the card into the mailbox, I took one last glance at their house before leaving. I can't believe I'm deciding all this last minute, I hope I won't regret this later. But this is the only way to finally get my heart and mind back to normal.
💭
I got extremely sad writing this chapter, it honestly breaks my heart:(
This chapter is long so you're welcome!!
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