Freedom Fighters League of the Exiled

Permanent

"Permanent damage to what?" I asked.

"Hold my hands." He said and I was a little confused but he put his hands out on the table in front of me. Everything looked normal, no weird bruising or burn marks on his hands or anything. I reached my hands out and held his hands and I watched him close his eyes and grit his teeth. I let go of his hands instantly.

"Sorry did I hurt you!" I said quickly I just barely touched them.

"You didn't hurt me," he said and I saw tears slipping down his cheek. "I couldn't feel anything." He left his hands on the table in front of me.

"What?" I was confused for a minute and then it all hit me. "Wait you didn't feel anything. Like at all?" I asked before reaching back and grabbing his hand. He just stared down at where I held his hand.

"If I didn't see you grab my hand I wouldn't have known you even touched it," he said looking away.

"This has been going on for three weeks and you haven't said anything about it," I asked, almost frustrated. I get he was scared, but maybe just maybe Hanji could have helped.

"I know what you are going to say and it won't work," Jean said letting out a defeated sigh, "you and I both know that Hanji can't heal backlash. Besides she already knows."

"She already knows?" I asked a little shocked.

"Yeah, she found out when I had her heal one of my burns she could feel what was wrong with my hands and I told her not to say anything until I was ready."

I just stayed quiet. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. I just let go of his hand and looked away trying to think up a solution but I just kept drawing blanks.

"I didn't come to you for an answer," he said quickly, "I came to you because I needed someone who would listen," he said and I could feel how exhausted he sounded. I wonder how many sleepless nights he's stayed awake worrying about this alone.

"Why don't you want Marco to know?" I asked and he shook his head.

"I don't want him to worry."

"He's your boyfriend, you should tell him. You know the longer you wait to tell him the more hurt he will be."

"I know, I just can't tell him yet. I haven't even fully accepted it and telling him means that I would have to. I keep telling myself that the feeling is going to come back, that it's just taking a long time because I really overdid it, but a part of me knows that this is permanent." He let out a sigh and looked up at me, "how did you tell Levi? I mean you were the first one of us to experience permanent backlash, how did you do it?"

"I mean don't get me wrong I was the same way when my wrists started hurting and wouldn't stop, but lucky for me I didn't have to tell Levi. He knew the second it started happening that something was wrong."

"No fair, your boyfriend can just tell when somethings up. Mine I actually have to talk to," Jean sighed. "Talking is so much harder."

I couldn't help but laugh a little, "yeah I guess I really lucked out on this one."

"You really did you lucky bastard," he smiled.

"So wait how far up does it go?" I asked. Could he not feel anything anywhere or was it just his arms?"

"It's just my hands I can feel my wrists, but not anything past them," he said pointing to the spot on his arm where the feeling ended.He started laughing but there was more pain than joy behind that laugh. "How fucking ironic."

"What is?"

"Well just a few months ago I was yelling at you for being reckless and telling you not to over do it so when all of this is over and when I marry Marco you could raise a glass without your arms being fucked up. Well guess I needed to take my own advice cause now look at who has the fucked up hands."