Freedom Fighters League of the Exiled

The Five Stages of Grief

I couldn't stop pacing the room. I could feel him he's here. He's watching me or is that just my mind playing tricks on me. Dammit, Ymir. Telling me Reiner is here. What am I supposed to do with that information? Now I can't help but think he's here at all times. I don't know what else to do or what else to say. If he is here what does he think I mean he's been watching me make a fool of myself these past few days. He's watched me pretend he's never existed, make a mockery of his death by perverting it with blind rage and revenge.

I sat down on the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest. "I don't even know if you're here right now, but I'm sorry. You know I've never been good at this. I don't even have you here to help me through it this time," I let my eyes close. I'm not imagining this, am I? The feeling of the bed dipping down ever so slightly the warmth on my back. He has to be here right?

"Berthold?" I ripped my eyes open and looked at the door where Levi was standing.

"Hey," I cleared my throat trying to push down any emotions that were starting to show. I let my legs slide back down off the bed and straightened my back trying to sit up straight. It's too late he already saw it all, felt it.

"Do you have a minute?" he asked and I felt guilty as I remembered our last conversation.

"About earlier I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lash out and snap at you like that. It was uncalled for and I shouldn't have-."

"What? Oh, that? It's fine," he said, not even remembering what I was saying at first, and then brushing it off. "I just wanted to check-in. I was going to do it right after Ymir finished talking to you, but she kinda shooed us away. I mean I'm sure none of this can be easy and I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you."

I know that. That's all anyone's been saying lately, but it doesn't matter. It's not like I can actually talk to anyone about all of this. I've never been good at talking about this stuff. Neither was Reiner, but we knew how to comfort each other through these times, not that it matters much now anyway. I snapped back to reality when I realized who was standing in front of me. I mentally facepalmed realizing that he could hear me. "Ignore me," I mumbled. I'm too exhausted to try and hold everything back today.

"Maybe that's a good thing. Holding it all back is probably why you're so exhausted."

Or maybe it's the fact that I was just told my dead boyfriend is watching me make a fool of myself. I quickly shook my head trying to clear away my thoughts. "That was mean sorry."

Levi just laughed, "I mean you have a fair point, and it's fine you don't have to filter your thoughts on my behalf. It's nice to hear you being honest and open even if it isn't intentional."

"I meant what I said earlier," I quickly changed the subject, "I want you all to come back safe I can't lose any more of you." I've lost enough I don't think I could survive losing anyone else. I could barely survive losing Ilsa, and now Reiner. Honestly, the only reason I haven't completely given up and gone through with some of my thoughts is that I know he would be pissed at me. I turned my head to look away from him. My thoughts weren't the best right now and the last thing I need is a lecture.

"He wouldn't be the only one," Levi said and I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. "We would all be pretty pissed if you did that. I know you're tired of losing people, but so are we. Losing you would be devastating."

I just let out a sigh and pulled a leg back up to my chest. I was too exhausted for this conversation. All of my energy was zapped from the conversation with Ymir, not to mention finding out my friends are going out on another potentially dangerous mission.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, I just thought it might help you get some weight off your chest," Levi said back calmly. "If you want to talk, but can't find the energy then I'm the perfect person to talk to," he said trying to lighten the mood a little. I don't know how he did it. He always sounds so emotionless, but when comforting people his tone actually softens. It's nice. It almost makes me want to talk to him about all of this, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to without breaking down.