So Many Things I Want To Say

Comfort

I sat watching the rain fall onto the car. Why hasn't she written? Did I say to much? Didn't I say enough? Why does she plague me? All I want to do is hold her in my arms and never let her go again.
"Are you sad dad?" Tim asked rubbing his eyes.
"How could I be sad when I've got you?" I said.
"Granny Parker said you used to just sit in the car after mummy died, like a sheepdog without his sheep" Tim said resting his head on the chair in front of him.
"Did she? How about some fried bread?" I said changing the subject.
"Yeah" he smiled.
"Come on then" I said as we ventured out into the rain.

"I've come to the conclusion, he's either the dullest man on earth or the most exciting one" she said handing me the letter back.
"Perhaps we should just return to sender? Save the poor man his postage. Unrewarding normal" Nurse Peters said taking the thermometer out of my mouth and reading it.
"I think I'd like to arrange for a visitor. May I use the telephone?" I asked nervously.
"I will dial the number myself" the nurse smiled walking off leaving me to look at the letter in his hands.

"Your visitor is here" a nurse said shaking my arm slightly. I smiled as I saw sister julienne.
"Dear sister, how we have missed you" she smiled taking a seat next to me "god is very kind to us" she smiled taking my hand.
"He is isn't he? How is life at Nonnatus? I hear Chummy is on her way back" I said.
"Sister, from our letters and our visits, you probably know more about life at Nonnatus than I do. So please, what is it you can say to me now that you couldn't say in a letter?" She asked.
"I've been lying sister. Lying to you, lying to God, to myself. And I'm so tired. I'm so tired of lying" I frowned.
"Now you must unburden yourself and I will listen" she said calmly.

"So all this time, you felt unable to share your suffering" sister julienne said.
"I thought I lost my faith, I never felt so wretched or alone in my life" I frowned.
"I've been so worried. I hoped you would speak to me again" sister julienne admitted.
"I haven't lost my faith, I want other things. Things I can't have in the religious life" I admitted.
"We've all felt that- times of confusion. There were for me" sister julienne admitted.
"This was my wilderness, my test of what I felt, what I believed. And I see now I wasn't close to death. I was close to life- and it took the illness to show me what I truly want. I think God wants another path for me...beyond Nonnatus" I said waiting for her reaction.
"Sister...what your saying, what your asking...is the first step on a journey which will not be an easy one. You must be sure that it is one you wish to pursue. Do you understand what a very great step you are about to take?" Sister julienne asked.
"Absolutely. And I am utterly terrified. I need your strength sister. I don't have enough of my own because I don't know if god's given me a window and I'm just staring out of it because I'm afraid to open it?" I admitted.

Trixie drove around on the moped scooter.
"Whatever next nuns on skis?" Chummy smiled.
"Chummy!" The girls ran at her and pulled her into tight hugs.
"Gently chaps, I've come back a bit top heavy" Chummy smiled holding her bump.
"Chummy how wonderful" the girls cried and smiled.
"It's our little bit of extra luggage" she smiled.

"For you sister Monica Joan, I know you have a fondness for percussion" Chummy smiled handing her a small drum.
"I shall beat a path to my room and send out a warning to all, the future is not to be trusted- great changes are coming" she said wizically before heading to her room.

Sister Monica Joan always knows when something is happening. She always senses change or over hears conversations...