𝔸 𝕃𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 ➁

66. Painfully Concious Actions

"I'm sorry," she sobs into me, "I'm so sorry, Seth." I tell her I am too as she continuously cries. "I don't want to leave. I don't. I, I-" My heart squeezes painfully because I don't want her to leave either.

"I get it, Rae." I don't know what I had been expecting but this wasn't it. I was hoping we'd just sit and be with each other but I should've known better. There was nothing ever relaxed or simple about anything having to do with me and Raegan. Everything was always so intense, so complicated.

She pulls out of my arms after a good while of crying into me. "I'm a fucking mess." Rae finally manages to utter.

"Come here." I gesture for her to follow me into the back. Once we're inside my office I grab her a few tissues and hand them to her. "Here," I said as I handed her the tissue.

She blows her nose and dries her face then eyes the bed off in the corner. "Why do you have a full-size bed in your office?"

"Well, I uh," I don't know how to continue that because I really don't want to tell her that for the longest time I couldn't sleep with anyone in my apartment. I couldn't even sleep in there without thinking of her. "you know, late nights." That's all I manage to say and she just nods. She probably saw the lie all over my face.

"I don't know how you did it."

"Did what?"

"Stayed in Boston. Stayed in the same spot. The only way I was able to push you into the back of my mind was in London. I can't imagine being here with-"

"All of the reminders? All of the memories?" I said which she gives me a nod to. "Yeah, why do you think there's a bed in here? The one place we had no memories. I couldn't even sleep with anyone for the longest time after you got married, Rae. You remember Irina?"

"The girl you brought to the wedding?"

"I called out your name when I was with her. I've done that several times with a number of women." I give her a sad smile. "You never left my mind. So, this is where I brought all my one-night-stands or girls I was regularly with because if I brought them back to my place the odds of me calling out your name were 50/50."

"Seth," she takes a step toward me and places a hand on my face.

"I know," I look down to her, "pathetic right?"

"No, not pathetic at all." She flutters those lashes up at me and I can't help but lean down and kiss her. She pulls away saying, "Seth, we can't." I peck her lips. "I can't." I peck them one more time. "I-,"

"You what?" I think back to something she'd once said to me. "I thought there was no saying no to me?"

"There isn't. So, please, please just-"

"Just let you go." I peck her lips one more time and pull away. "I've said it a million times but just so you never forget, I love you, Rae. I'll always love you." She nods but doesn't respond to my words. "It's snowing pretty hard out. You want me to bring you home?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea, Seth."

"We're basically having a fucking Nor'easter. If anything happened to you or Jamie I wouldn't ever be able to forgive myself." My mother died in a storm much like this one and she knows it.

"You are a good driver in the snow." She said resignedly.

"I'm a fucking New Englander, baby." I give her a wink and a smirk. "I was made for weather like this."

She takes my hand, follows me out saying, "that you are, Seth. That you are."

✩✩✩

I'd gone with Rae to my father's place to pick up Jamie. The moment he opened the door he'd looked at me with a sad frown. I hadn't been expecting that. I'd been expecting contempt or disdain not impartial sadness. He fucking felt bad for me and I'm sure that's because he knows how badly I wish they were mine; Jamie and Rae.

When Jamie had run directly into my arms and I'd picked him up happily, I felt the pain take root again. Not only am I losing Raegan. This time I'm losing Jamie too. I'm losing both of them this time. That thought had fucking sucked and when I'd said goodbye to my father he'd given me the saddest face. He'd hugged me close telling me to drive safe with them.

Once I'd installed Jamie's car seat in the truck and propped him up in it, I'd closed the door feeling glad my windows were tinted. I was glad because I pulled Raegan into my arms, out of Jamie's eyesight, and pressed her body gently up against the side of my truck. I'd kissed her with every single thing I had in me. It was a goodbye kiss for the books.

She'd fisted her hands in my hair. She'd moaned into my lips softly, the most beautifully sad noise I've ever heard. It was almost like she was moaning in despair and my heart had broken again, as it has broken so many times before. I didn't know loving someone would ever be this hard, this painful.

When we'd finally detached we just stared at each other, snow falling down all around us. It was there, it was unspoken, but we both held each other's eyes saying it to one another wordlessly. I love you. Because neither of us dared say those words out loud again.

We'd gotten back in the truck and I'd taken her hand in mine, carefully out of Jamie's view. I rubbed my thumb back and forth, caressing her skin tenderly as I drove the two of them to her brother's apartment building. The weather was terrible, the snow was coming down in torrents now.

Jamie had fallen asleep in the backseat. I'd picked him up and passed him down to Rae. I'd grabbed the car seat and helped the two of them inside the building until we were right outside of Rhys's door. I'd set the car seat down and gave her a swift kiss on the forehead before quickly retreating to the elevator without a single goodbye spoken.

Now I've already driven back to the gym and am lying in the bed in my office. I couldn't go back to my place; my sheets still smell like Raegan. It will only hurt that much more, that much worse if I try to sleep in those. My dreams will be littered with images of her as it is. I don't need to be surrounded by her potent fragrance.

I look up at the ceiling, thinking about her. Five months until I see her again. Five months until Rhys and Lindsay's wedding. I close my eyes feeling the emotion build up inside me. I'm about to let a few tears spill when I hear a loud knocking sound coming front the back entrance.

Who the fuck could that be?

I get up off the bed when another loud series of wraps bang against it. I make my way to the door, all previous emotion forgotten. Once I get to the door another bang happens which has me kicking open the door. To my surprise there's no one on the other side.

I step out into the alleyway looking around when I feel a sharp pang against the back of my head. My vision starts to blur and I try to retain some semblance of a defensive stance when I feel fists against my body. Not one or two, but several. I try to fight, but that initial hit had almost knocked me unconscious. Speaking of consciousness, the moment I feel another blow to the back of my head my world goes black and the last thing I feel is my head smacking the cold, snow-covered pavement.

✭✭✭✭✭
A/N:

The suspense, am I right?

Also, I just wanted to say how happy I am to see some of you over in Malicious. You all make my day with your comments and votes! Thank you all for your continued support.