Poem Cycle

Hate Myself

I seem to be always waiting for what life throws at me next,

Not sure if I was able handle it anymore.

The dread I feel towards my weakness is suffocating.

Actually I don't think I could handle myself anymore.

I fee like a failure.

I can't catch up with what society expects of me

Or what my parent's expects of me

I tried but it was never good enough in their eyes or my eyes

Studying for hours and not getting the good grades

Working hard but not getting the results.

Always trying to show my best self to everybody, but does that even exist?

Always trying to hide my terrible sides, but is that really possible when that is my 99.99% of my existence?

I feel disgusted of myself.

I just couldn't express who I am,

Without having people judging me all around.

Looking down at every angle and

Trying to pull me down every chance they get.

Can't I be free from these scrutinizing, disgusting, preying looks.

I wish somebody can be there so I can lean on them.

Is it wrong that I am not as smart?

Is it wrong to be exhausted?

Is it wrong to just live and not be just alive?

They are taking over my mind.

It feels like I am on the edge of the cliff everyday.

Not sure if I can escape from their forceful pushing.

They have surrounded me, leaving me no room to escape.

The only way I can go is down.

Maybe I will survive.

Maybe not.

I guess I will find out once I jump.

Is it so wrong to be low at times?

Is it wrong to sometimes fail?

Is it wrong to delay on the climb up?

I hate myself for feeling scared of every moment of my life.

Scared that I will be blinded by society for the rest of my life.

Their strings wrap tightly around every inch of my body to close my eyes and control every aspect of my life.

I feel them doing it right now to me.

I hate myself for having no confidence.

I hate myself to be not blessed like the other kids.

 Always last to be picked.

Always given the looks for being quiet and shy.

I hate myself for not handling pressure.

I hate myself for seeing failure as not acceptable.

I hate myself always thinking my world will fall apart any moment.

I hate myself for my looks, personality, and everything else because that is what everybody constantly tells me and I am believing every word of it.

I could feel the burden of failure.

The teachers always looking at me like I am a loser.

Always embarrassed of lower scores than other kids.

I'm too scared to take risk.

To go against the words of my parents.

To go against society.

Trying to be the perfect child.

I am sick and tired of it.

I hate acting fake, but that is what my whole life revolves around.

Even my parents tell me I am fake.

Can someone tell me how not to be fake, or is that my label for the rest of my life.

I hate myself for fearing everything I face.

I hate myself for just staying quiet.

Not speaking up for myself in fear of getting more vulnerable, broken, and hurt than I already feel currently.

I am always hiding and not able to reveal myself from my mask.

I need the mask for protection or I will fall apart.

I need to form a barrier so I don't give any feelings or bond to anything or anyone

Then I thought I wouldn't hate myself as much.

I thought it would make my life more endurable.

Less painful.

Less pitiful.

I wish it was that way.

Life is too cruel.

I see no hope in myself.

Trials are suppose to make a person stronger.

Yet, I feel like I getting weaker.

I feel like I am getting too vulnerable.

I don't want to lose.

Yet, I do.

I am always living in fear.

In fear for judgement.

In fear for rejection.

In fear of being looked down upon.

In fear of myself.

I hate everything about myself.

I feel like I should be illegalized.

I know loving myself is a crime.

That is how much I hate myself.