For the next few days, Kota cried and cried and cried nonstop.
"Jay, I think I'm gonna head out, I'm gonna go get... I'll see you in a bit." Erin grabbed her keys and left the house.
"No, Erin! You can't ditch me. Erin! We're in this together..." His voice faded as he tried to soothe Kota.
Erin lumbered down the steps and out to her car, which she sat in for half and hour, sobbing.
Knocks on the window pulled her out of her cries. "Erin, you okay?" Will asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. My foot hurts really bad," Erin lied.
"You wanna come in with me? Natalie's headed up already, but I saw you and figured I'd ask."
"Yeah," She got out of the car and wiped her tears.
"You sure you're fine?" Will grabbed her hand.
"I'm fine," Erin gave him a weak smile. "Let's get headed in."
"Hey, I was wonderin' when you were gonna show up." Jay walked over to give his brother a hug. As he looked over Will's shoulder, he noticed Erin. "What the hell, Erin?"
"I'm sorry, Jay. I just..., I couldn't...," Erin mumbled.
"You ditched me."
"I recall you doing the exact same thing," Erin whispered as she took a seat on a barstool.
"What the... I thought we were passed that. I thought," Jay started.
"You thought wrong. I didn't even go anywhere. I just sat in the car, crying. Thanks for asking." Erin walked to her room and threw herself on the bed.
"She was crying when I saw her in the car." Will stated, not wanting to get in the middle of it all.
"Sorry for fighting like this. It's been hard, really. He won't stop crying, and we don't know what to do. We figured since y'all have Owen, you must've been through this."
"No, Jay. It's completely fine. We understand. We're gonna go now, take Kota with us, we'll see you later?" Natalie stated.
"Yeah, later." Jay waved goodbye as he headed toward the room. "Erin," He said softly. He gave a light knock and walked in.
"She's not here right now. Leave a message." Erin let out in a quiet but angry voice.
"Okay, well this is Jay. Your loving and understanding husband. I want you to know you can talk to me. I told you when we got married, I'd be here. I'd love you and cherish you through the good times and bad times. For better and for worse. And I meant it. So whenever you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen." Jay sat down on the bed and put his hand on her thigh.
"Jay! It's not that I'm mad at you, or upset with you, I want to talk to you. I want to tell you what I'm feeling, but you're not ready to hear it, and I'm not ready to say it." Erin argued.
"I am ready."
"No, you think you are, but you aren't." Erin countered.
"I'm ready. Just tell me, Erin. Please."
"I can't get over it. It's stuck in my head, like a broken record. 'I need to find myself'. You did, but you still haven't come back. You're here right now, but things aren't the way there used to be. You're different, and it doesn't feel right. And I feel like I screwed up. Like maybe I did something to make you feel that way, or maybe I pushed you away. Maybe I hurt you too much and when you left, you left for good. And I'm starting to think, now, maybe it wasn't you who left first, maybe it was me. Maybe we're here because of me," Erin let out a light sob, "It's all my fault." She stood, placing both hands on her forehead and walking to the other side of the room. "I just feel like you hate me, and I feel like Burgess hates me for making her come over here every day, and Nat and Will for dumping Kota on them all the time. Heck, if I hadn't been such a problem with Will, they wouldn't have been broken up for a while. And they'd probably be married now. And then, Hank. He's struggled to keep me here, alive, healthy, and I've put so much on him the past decade that it's hard to even see him. It's just so hard to see each and every one of them all the time and not think about it." Erin sobbed loudly now. "And then you. I felt kind of relieved a bit when you were gone. I didn't have to see you and know I hurt you, but then I knew I did because you were gone. It's all my fault, and maybe if I wasn't here, maybe I couldn't hurt any of you. But I am, goddamnit. I am, and I don't know why my life is as screwed up as it is."
Jay froze.
"I told you you weren't ready, but you insisted, and now I've screwed it up even more."
"Erin, don't." Jay pulled her into a hug. "If you think I hate you, that you're why I left, you're wrong. Oh so wrong. I left because of me. Not you. Me. And Burgess doesn't hate you, Voight, Will, Nat, none of them do. They all love you, and if you weren't here, our lives wouldn't be half as good as you've made them. Erin, you don't have to feel this way." Jay rubbed through her hair.
Erin pulled away before saying, "But I do. I don't have to, but I do."
"You do, but just know, it's all gonna get better. I know now, and I can help you. And if I can't, I'm sure we can find someone who can. I promise it can only get better from here." Jay stated.
"How? I can't leave Kota. I can't, it's so hard. And to put all the pain that I've felt onto all of the people I care about, how is that gonna help. It's just gonna hurt, not me but them." Erin opened the door but stopped. "How could I feel better knowing I've destroyed their perfect, happy, incredible lives. Ruining some of their most precious memories."
"They were precious because they thought you were happy. But if you weren't, they don't mean a damn thing. They have to know. Erin, you have to get help."
"JAY! You're not listening to me!"
"I am, Erin. You're not hearing me, you can get help. You have a great support system."
"No one can help!" Erin turned her back toward him. "Damnit, know one knows what this feels like. Just, please, leave me alone right now. I just wanna be alone. And if you don't leave, I will, so please just go."
"Before I do, I want you to know one more thing. You wouldn't have told me any of that if you didn't want help, so if you take anything away from what I just said, take away this. I love you, and no matter what, I will always be here to help you, even if you won't take it." Jay said with a stern face, walking out into the living room.
Erin sank where she stood. Letting herself drop to the floor in sobs. She pushed herself up against the wall and threw her head into her hands, crying. "Why? Why me?" She kept repeating.
Jay grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat on the couch, "Damnit, if I'd known. God, why?" Jay said quietly, chugging his beer.
