Whatever It Takes

Chapter 72 - Please Don't Leave Me

When you enter the hut you're glad to find that Bucky has reverted back to snoring. Getting closer to his face you watch as his eyes dance underneath their lids - whatever the dream (or nightmare) it doesn't seem to be bringing on a fitful night. Kneeling before him, you reach over slowly and push a strand of hair away from his face before gently running your hand down his cheek; tracing over old territory that you used to do in Romania. As you trace back towards his hair you notice that his eyes are open.

Normally if he's woken with a start there's a look of fear or threat on his face but right now you can't distinguish the look. "Sorry," you mumble, taking your hand away and trying to pull back before he grabs your hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

"I thought you'd left again," His voice is hoarse and dry after his sleep. "I thought you'd went to fight." You feel his thumb tracing over your wrist.

"I am fighting." You sigh, using your free hand to caress his hair. The feeling makes him close his eyes, humming contentedly. "I'm fighting for us." He slowly opens his eyes, suddenly terrified to look at you. "I know you said I was nothing but a bad memory, but I also know that was your way of pushing me away." His eyes still don't meet yours. "But if you really do want me to go I will." You tilt his head to make him look at you, trying your hardest not to let the guilt overwhelm you for the action. "So before you decide what you want, I'm just going to come straight out with it." You pause, terrified of not only saying the words, but of his reaction to them. "But I love you, Bucky Barnes." You watch as he intakes a sharp breath.

He tries to answer but can't seem to find the words; eyes boring into yours, as though searching for some sort of lie. You were half expecting this reaction and try not to let the pain in your stomach reach your heart. He squeezes your hand before trying to sit up. Forgetting once again about his lost arm, you offer to help by letting go of him, giving him a chance to do it for himself. Preparing yourself for rejection you try to back away but once he's settled he grips your wrist and pulls you to sit beside him.

Again he lapses into silence, not daring to look at you, while you try to keep the temper from his silence snap. Taking another deep breath you look away. "You don't have to say anything," You try to keep your heartache out of your voice. "You meant what you said. I understand. I just wanted you to know..."

"You're the only good memory I have." Bucky blurts out so quickly it takes you a moment to actually register what he's said. "I struggle to remember anything of my life before," he gestures to where the meal arm should be. "When I get in those dark moments, when I think about HYDRA, I just try to think of you." He takes a deep sigh before continuing. "I try to merge them from our time in Romania, but I don't know if that's a good idea or not." Taking a quick look around the hut he lets out a little scoff. "God that feels like a lifetime ago."

"Things were easier then. I was thinking about that earlier." You smile.

"You didn't force me," he stares directly at you; those steel blue eyes penetrating yours. "What you told Steve. I never felt pressured when you wanted to get...closer. I was scared. Scared of hurting you. Remember when I told you I would sometimes forget about the arm." You nod, the memories of the scars from where he tries to rip the arm off still clear, now thankfully hidden from view. "I forget about the serum too, about how strong I am. I'm worried that if I get too overexcited, I'd really hurt you."

Amazed that he's actually having this conversation you clear your throat, curious to whether this is a good sign or not. "Did you not trust me to tell you..." But Bucky gently pulls down the collar of your t-shirt, revealing the gunshot would from Washington. "That wasn't you Buck."

"But it was."

"That's not the same thing. And I still came back..."

"Doesn't that scare you?" He asks, shaking his head slightly, voice trembling.

"I've already told you I'm not scared of you."

"But you should be." He looks away from you again. "It's safer for you to be a million miles away from me." He sighs and you feel your heart fall into your stomach as you look at the floor. Suddenly you feel his hand on your chin, just your had to him, tilting your face to look up at him. "But Steve was right. The minute you walked away that day I regretted it." He rests his forehead against yours, the intimacy making your breath catch in your throat. "But..." You can see the pain etched on his face, how much you were going to endure was yet to be decided. "I still can't trust my own mind Sasha." He pulls away so he can look at you. "I want to believe that what I feel for you is real and not some cruel trick that HYDRA had at our expense. I just need more time to get it all out. Is that ok? Are you willing to wait for me?"

Letting out your own deep breath you can't help but let out a smile wash over your face. "Of course it is," There's nothing else for you to say. You can understand where he was coming from; it had been a question on your mind for the longest time, but now you were sure of your feelings for him. How could you not allow him the chance to work through it all. "I'm sorry if I threw that at you all at once, but so much has happened since we last saw each other. And then with everything happening here..."

"I know. I'm just sorry that it's not the answer you wanted." He takes your hand again, pressing a kiss to your knuckles. "I thought since you were willing to blurt out the truth I should be completely honest." You nod, appreciating the sentiment. Steve had warned you it would take time, and believe it not, the conversation had went much better than the one you'd been having in your head. "How long was I out for anyway?" He swallows hard, making it clear he wants to change the subject. Although there's more you want to talk about, you accept that currently this was the most you were going to get for now.

"Not long," You sigh, taking a chance to create some distance by getting up and pouring some water for you both. "Couple months tops." Giving him some breathing space you don't sit next to him, instead opting to sit on the floor. "I thought T'Challa was dead. I couldn't risk anyone finding you." He simply nods, sudden awkwardness filling the hut now. Unable to handle it, you decide to leave, sensing this Bucky sits up straight before standing.

"Don't leave Sasha," He pleads trying to catch your eye. "I know it's not what you wanted but please don't leave me." He grabs your hand.

"I'm sorry. It's just," You let out a sigh before pulling your hand away from him, but he grabs it back. "I don't know where we go from here. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I decided to..." You're cut off by Bucky forcing his lips onto yours - the shock of which makes you pull back. "Why? Why would you..." The darkness of his eyes surprises you before he takes a step closer and pressing a gentler kiss to the corner of your mouth, freezing you instantly.

"I'm sorry. I know it's confusing. It was just an impulse." He sighs; his breath warm on your face, making your heart race. "I don't want to give you false hope but..." his voice trembles as he runs his thumb along your jawline before slipping his hand to the back of your neck, pulling you to rest your foreheads together; his fingers tightening around the loose hair hanging at the back of your neck from where you'd tried to tie it up. "You cut your hair." He frowns slightly.

"On the run, remember." You just manage to get out; your whole body on fire, yet still shaking, heart racing, turning your voice into a meagre whisper. This had be the most intimate he had ever been with you, the first time he had initiated this closeness. How was he able to have a chokehold on your body like this? He gives a small nod before meeting your eyes, his grip on your hair tightens.

"I just need time to figure it all out." His words echo in your mind, finally making reality set in. Despite this being what you wanted, you couldn't help but feel used. Pulling yourself away from his grip, you take a few steps back; running your hands through your hair to help collect your thoughts. "You can't do this to me Bucky," You almost yell. "This isn't fair. You can't play with me like that."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He stammers, tears filling his eyes as his head drops. "I don't even understand why I did that."

"Well why don't you take some time to figure it out." You snap, barging past him and heading out the hut, managing to stop the tears from falling down your face when you're met with the mass that is M'Baku.

"We have decided to join the fight." He nods. "T'Challa told me you were a formidable fighter. I promised him I'd keep you safe, but he didn't give you a choice about joining this fight. I'm here to give you that chance."

For some reason you turn and look back into the hut; Bucky's solemn face meeting yours. "Please don't leave me." You hear him whisper before he sits back down, head in his hand.