Post Vitam

Chapter 123

Throughout the movie marathon it was quite obvious to anyone not watching the screen that Kaminari spent his time trying and failing to subtly look at Hitoshi. Much as Izuku wanted to help fix his brother's relationship Hitoshi had made him promise not to interfere earlier so he pretended not to notice. 

Somewhere in the night everyone besides Hitoshi had drifted off to sleep with the movies still going in the background. He still felt Kaminari looking in his direction every now and then and it was becoming obvious this would be how life would be till they talked. 

He had reached a decision earlier in the night but going through with it and committing to the change would be hard. Despite how hurt he felt the feeling he thought was love for Kaminari remained and he didn't enjoy the thought of hurting him. He also knew they cant keep living in limbo like this, so careful not to disturb Izuku and Bakugo next to him, he slowly got up.

By the time he had reached the landing of the second floor he heard the sound of tell tale steps following right behind him. He didn't have to wait long see the owner of them, and like he had suspected and counted on they belonged to Kaminari. Hitoshi was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall when Kaminari walked right past him not having seen him in the moonlight hallway.

Seeing Kaminari walk past without noticing him he silently called to him "Over here"

Kaminari nearly screamed but visibly relaxed as he saw Hitoshi "oh fuck you scared me" he told him clutching his heart.

Hitoshi just looked at him trying to delay this even slightly. A small part of him wanting to stay in limbo where the possibility of keeping his relationship remained. Kaminari spoke again breaking the illusion, his tone awkward "I mean . . . err i've been wanting to talk to you"

Looking at him as he sat across from him another small part of him that was angry and allowed his snark to take over "yep the . . ." Hitoshi started as he pulled out his phone to be precise "Yeah 48 text messages and 13 missed calls made that pretty obvious, plus there's the fact that you've been staring all night. . ."

Hitoshi regretted it as soon as he said it in that tone seeing the hurt in his words had caused in Kaminari's eyes. He looked everywhere but directly at Hitoshi in apparent shame before he finally met his gaze again "Bean I'm sorry, i've just been desperate to fix this mess. I- i cant loose you."

Again the small amount of anger reared it's head again remembering how all of this started, how he hadn't thought about how his actions would affect their relationship. So hearing how he cant loose him rubbed him the wrong way. "It's high school Kaminari, stop being dramatic."

Hitoshi hated himself when he saw the tears forming in Kaminari's eyes "Full name eh?" he asked

Hitoshi looked away to swallow the lump in his throat looking back when Kaminari had asked him "so you really are leaving me then?"

His eyes burned as he looked at the boy he still loved very much, but his mind had been made up. He gave him a watery smile as he told him "you're going to be fine Kaminari."

Kaminari's tears won the battle and slipped past as he let them fall freely. He pulled his legs closer to him hugging them as he desperately asked "how am I going to be fine?! I love you and you're dumping me after our first fight mind you. . ."

"It wasn't a fight Kami" Hitoshi said as he stared down an interesting spot on the carpet not wanting to see how upset he had made him.

Kaminari rested his chin on his knees "true, we haven't even fought over it and you're just giving up?" he asked, his voice trembling.

Hitoshi sighed and looked back at Kaminari wondering if he should just tell him why it had affected him like that. Slowly he started "It's. . . When I saw you doing that -" he cut himself off and looked away when a flashback of that day ran through his mind. He felt the whispers of those old voices start to stir. If he kept going he'd no doubt end up starving himself again and he promised Izuku to not do that again. . .

When he didn't finish his sentence Kaminari prodded him not realizing the turmoil in his mind. He wanted to reach over and lay his hand on his knee like he used to do but he pulled his hand back opting for just kind words "tell me, I can handle it"

Hearing this twisted a knife in Hitoshi's heart, beyond not communicating that he has desires Kaminari has been the picture perfect partner. Loving, caring and kind. He was more upset with himself than him but the yell he let out still had an accusatory tone to it when he started. "Well I cant! That's the point Kami, it's a perfectly natural thing. Something you clearly want and need and-"

He tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling hoping gravity would keep his ever threating tears to stay in his eyes before he continued much calmer than when he started "and I cant give it to you . . ."

"I would never pressure you to do that, I was weak." Kaminari hurriedly told him thinking that was the only problem.

His tone growing increasingly desperate he kept going when Hitoshi didn't respond "I'll do better, I promise"

Hitoshi sighed heavily he didn't want Kaminari to think there is anything wrong with him for wanting the things he does. Their relationship might be ending but there's no reason to be vindictive.

He pushed the lump in his throat back as he looked Kaminari in the eyes again he gave him a kind smile as he told him "There's nothing to do better with Kami. I told you it's natural, it's me who's broken."

"You're not-" Kaminari started to argue but Hitoshi cut him off

"I AM!" he yelled despite what he just told himself. He needed to end this conversation or he's going to hurt someone he loves again.

"Sorry" he said barely audible before he looked away again.

Kaminari let go of his legs and leaned in closer but controlling his hands so he doesn't accidentally touch Hitoshi. "Can you tell me how you think you're broken" he tried asking with the gentlest of tones.

Hitoshi felt himself start to melt at that. This can't go on he thought to himself, if he stayed chances of them staying together increase. Hitoshi reasoned with himself that even if they fix things now, it wouldn't be fair to Kaminari. "Stop Kami, just leave it alone. I'm not angry with you but we cant be together, you deserve someone can give you everything you need."

"Bean no please . . ." he begged him

He looked away and simply said "My name is Aizawa."

Tears flowing freely again he leaned closer again but still taking care to not touch him "please don't leave it like this . . ." he pled with him

Swallowing the ever increasing lump in his throat he got up from the floor saying "I'm sorry Kaminari but it's for the best."

Hitoshi left as fast as he could without actually running nearly slipping and falling down the stairs twice. It hurt having left the boy he loves crying but he kept telling himself it is better this way. Kaminari could move on and find someone who he doesn't have to change for. Someone who isn't so broken. The room he shared with Izuku was just across from the common area so he had to make sure he kept pace but not make enough noise to wake anybody up.

Izuku however was quite adept at sensing if something was wrong even in a deep sleep. Whether it's from a quirk he's passively and unknowingly picked up, or just the years living with abuse he cant be entirely sure. Nonetheless when Hitoshi walked past the sleeping pile of class 1-A clearly distressed he woke with a start noting the abscense of his brother's warmth next to him.

It didn't require a detective to figure out what had caused his brother's disappearance and looking over to where Kaminari was all night confirmed it. His spot was vacant too. Izuku slid out from under Bakugo's arm ready to go searching for his brother. He didn't get far when he noticed the light in their room was on and he made his way there.