Post Vitam

Chapter 60

Hawks had been leading with Izuku flying a bit behind him for about ten minutes trying to figure out how to start this undoubtedly uncomfortable conversation. Finding no real way to avoid it being unpleasant he made up his mind to just start it and see where it takes him. 

To his mind however he had to be careful to not traumatize the boy with too much detail of his horrific life. He slowed down and let Izuku catch up to him. He still looked down and sullen from earlier but no doubt flying had lifted some of that darkness. It's the reason he himself loves being in the skies. Izuku noticed he was catching up and took the chance to ask Hawks where they were going.

"So are we going somewhere specific Hawks?" Izuku asked from behind him.

Hawks slowed even more and turned his head to face Izuku "Not really no, was trying to figure out how to say what I want to tell you."

"Okay. Do you want to keep flying or do you need to land somewhere to rest your wings? Do they get tired? Is it like running for you? Sorry, you wanted to talk and I'm rambling about your quirk." Izuku's ears turned red embarrassed for turning into a fanboy.

Hawks just laughed it off finding it adorable actually. "How about that roof there" He said pointing to an empty rooftop. As they landed he sat on the edge with Izuku opting to float sit, ensuring eye level contact.

Hawks smiled kindly at the floating boy who broke his arm just over a week ago. In the short time he's been training him he can see why Eraserhead jumped at the chance to take him in. He's smart and funny, he has more potential than he seems to even want to acknowledge. He noticed Izuku waiting patiently for him to start talking and stuck his tongue out in a teasing manner. 

Between laughs he asked again "So what's up? What did you want to tell me?"

Hawks tapped his finger to his bottom lip "well let's start with your questions from earlier"

"Wha-?" Izuku was confused but Hawks waved him quiet

"My wings themselves don't get tired, the muscles needed to make them move do however. Yes it is a bit like running. The best thing however is flying high enough to just glide on the air." Hawks eyed him a bit as Izuku sat there floating.

"I suppose I'm a bit envious of how you are able to fly. Nobody can take it away from you. . ." His eyes grew distant clearly remembering something. He began making a feather fly around him playing with it.

His gaze turned towards the sky before he spoke again. "I was sold to the commission when I was a toddler."

Izuku wanted to interrupt and ask why Hawks felt the need to share this with him but knew better. It had taken him a long time to find the words and if he cut him off now it would cause him harm and he's hurt Hawks enough.

"I still have no idea why my parents agreed. Maybe they were horrible people, maybe they needed the money to survive and thought I'd be better off? The possibilities are endless and I'll never really know." He sighed clearly still bothered by this fact.

"Whatever the reason though it led to horrific circumstances. The commission wanted a hero they can control. That took place through various means and countless tests and extensive forced training. I'll spare you the details and instead just say that I know what it's like to be used and abused." Hawks was silently crying without noticing.

Izuku used his quirk to float over a tissue from a packet in his pocket to him. Hawks took the tissue in front of him and wiped the tears he didn't notice till just then. "Sorry, little feather. It's better now, Nezu got rid of those people in the commission. They are still corporate money hungry assholes with no souls but at least they don't torture people."

Izuku didn't want to hurt Hawks again but he now understood what this talk was actually about. He wanted him to get help with regards to Jared like his father wants. "Hawks I'm sorry you went through that. Trust me when I say that I have more than just a basic understanding of what it's like to live under and with your abuser. Hell don't get me started on the utter mind fuck it is to still care about that person. I'll keep listening if you want to talk about it but I'm not doing what Dad wants. HE can stay in the box I put him inside my head. He's never getting out again."

Hawks finished drying his face and gave a heavy sigh. He knew something had happened to him but by these words maybe they are more alike than he thought. Worse still he suspected that Izuku had it much worse than him. Something he never thought possible. He wanted to die everyday when he was in his situation. How is this boy still here?

"You can't keep doing that little feather. I have no idea what he did, but by the sound of it you've survived much worse. Please talk to me, why is this so different to you?" 

Izuku's eyes grew wide and anger flooded him again. He could feel as the heat rose in him. The indignation of everyone around him. Why cant they understand he just wants to move on. Forget about it... He directed the anger to words this time. He forced himself to not hurt someone again. It didn't take long before he was crying as he was screaming at Hawks.

"BECAUSE IT'S MY FUCKING FAULT! IT'S DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE DIDN'T FORCE ME! IT'S DIFFERENT BECAUSE I DIDN'T RESIST. NO!!! SICK FUCKING WHORE I AM I EVEN ENJOYED IT! HOW CAN I SAY HE DID SOMETHING WRONG THEN HUH?! HOW! IS THIS WHAT EVERYONE WANTS SO DESPERATELY TO HEAR?! THAT I'M PATHETIC AND WEAK, NOT WORTH A DAMN THING OTHER THAN BEING A CHEAP WHORE!?"

 Things finally fell into place for Hawks what the big secret was and why he had acted like he did when he grabbed him that night he thought Izuku was falling. He wanted to comfort Izuku but knew forcing him into a hug right now would only hurt him more than it could help. Instead he sent nearly all his feathers to envelop him with softness and warmth. Izuku melted into the feathers and sobbed harder.

"I'm sorry for making you relive any part of it, both now and the night we met little feather. You might not believe it at all but you need to understand nobody thinks that about you. None of it is your doing or fault. You need to work through this though. He's still controlling you otherwise, shoving him in a box and hoping he goes away just gives him power over you. It's not going to be easy and some part of you will always be gone but it doesn't have to hurt so much all the time..."

Izuku looked up at Hawks who was wiping tears of his own away but an empty look behind his eyes told him that what Hawks was telling him came from his own experience and not out of pity.

Izuku moved towards him and hugged him tightly asking him softly "You too?"

A soft "yeah" reached his ears.