Love in 30 Days or more: Kate and Nate

A New Year, A New-born Life

I woke up to find Nate sitting beside me, his face was tense and my family was waiting outside. Nataly wasn't anywhere nearby. I propped myself up on the pillow and reached out to touch Nate's hand, he was in his own world. He had been crying. I can tell. He couldn't tell me where Nataly was. He tried but kept choking up. The doctor came by seeing me awake. He asked me about a few questions of how I'm feeling. Of course, I'm still light-headed but I needed to see my baby. Her situation was not good. She's in intensive care now. It's a matter of whether she can live or not. I needed to see my baby but no one would let me. I needed to take a few more tests and if I get near her, it'll be bad for both of us.

Nate had seen her but she was just a tiny thing wrapped in blankets when he saw her. I'm so scared for us right now. This was my angel. She can't be leaving me. When our families came in I couldn't help but cry. I was in the hospital for a million tests to find out if anything in my body had caused the complications but they said it wasn't.  It could've been ANYTHING. In my case, everything was fine with me but we found out our baby has a horrible case of jaundice that is lethal. It'll be a surprise if she survives more than a day. She didn't.

Nataly passed away 12 hours after being born.

I wasn't even allowed to see her. My own baby, when she was alive. All I saw was a tiny cold body. The body that I had carried in mine for the last eight months. I could only cry, there was nothing else I could do. Now, I understand the pain of a mother. Our moms cried with us. There was nothing I can do. I had done so much in my life to overcome so many things but the life I had been carrying in me couldn't live. We had her burial the next day – it was arranged by the hospital. She's in a cemetery where my grandparents are also buried. God has her now. Maybe, I wasn't meant to have her. That was the beginning of my year.

A new year, a new-born life. It ended too quickly. I had faced months of morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms. I hadn't even told our families about it until I told Nate, seven months later. Nate wanted to be a father. I couldn't make his dream come true. This is my fault. I couldn't do anything without thinking about her. Everyone who had known that I went into labour were all giving me their condolences instead of congratulations. I became sick. I couldn't eat or sleep properly after that.

When we went back home, I had to put all the baby stuff in a closet that I never opened. I cried for hours on end when I did this. Every night, I would expect to lay on my side or see a bump when I laid down. I cried. More and more. That's what my life became. When my eyes became sore, and I couldn't cry any more. Nate tried to comfort me but nothing worked. I was just depressed. When I went back to work, my colleagues had given me what they could only give, pity, not my baby. I did everything as usual. I just couldn't be happy any more. I had lost in life. I think I was losing more though. That spark Nate and I had. Is it lost?