Love in 30 Days or more: Kate and Nate

My Whole World went Dark

Those six months have gone by so quickly! I've been keeping my head in the air and without any more fainting episodes I was able to finish my third year in medical school. Next year is my final year if I live to it and then I start a three-year residence. If you compare my pictures from before and now – you can see a lot of differences. Nate is still one of the best people in my life right now. He's very supportive. I don't how we'll be years from now and if we'll be together years from now but I can say that if I don't live, I want him to find someone who can love him more than I ever could.

Okay, feeling time over. I have exams coming up at the end of the year. I work at the library for some extra cash and somehow the librarians found out about my sickness. Even some people in my church parish know. I told them it's nothing serious and they'll have their Kate back in no time. I do look a little different. My eyes looked more sunken in – even the most makeup couldn't take that away. My cheeks weren't so round and you see the bones under my skin. That's how much weight I have lost. If I hurt myself a really nasty bruise shows up and sometimes blood comes out. It makes me feel faint. That's how I went for months. Nate and I haven't had a real proper date because we're so busy and our free time together is spent at the hospital or at home watching baby Juan. Baby Juan is so cute – he's at five months and will be starting his sixth month of life. I could say that he looks more like his momma right now but we'll see. He smiles and talks baby talk to himself when he's alone or when people talk to him. So cute! For my birthday – we couldn't celebrate because I had a few exams and still had to study for the bigger exams coming up. Nate bought me a bracelet. It was very simple and beautiful. It was a chain and had a dangling K with a tiny heart charm. Maybe one day I'll get to add another letter to it.

Exams are over. My parents are to arrive in another week. It was exactly two weeks before my operatoin. I'm getting scared and I've had bad dreams. This operation determines my life or death.  I don't know if I'll make it. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.  I'm losing it. When I'm around people, I see the love and it makes me sad. I won't have this for long. I wish I could end it all now. People try to reassure me but I know the cold hard facts. This was it. Nate was leaving the day my parents come and will be back in time for my operation. I'm scared to tell people I'm scared – I act goofy when people ask me about it.

The day my parents arrived, I burst out crying when I hugged my mom. I missed her. For the past few months, Nate had been that mother figure for me. He said hi to my parents and after lunch got into his car and left for his place. I gave him a long hug. There were five days to my operation. My mom cooked food everyday and everyone loved it – it's been so long since I had my mom's cooking. She saw how weak and skinny I had gotten and tried to fatten me up but I couldn't eat more than the usual amount without having the urge to vomit. The day before the operation, Nate had come back with his family. Both my parents and their parents decided to book rooms in a nearby hotel because the second room upstairs was occupied by Juan's nursery. It was a big happy reunion but underneath all that was my stupid disease choking me. Sammy asked why I never said a word about it before – I told her I didn't need to and she said she kind of knew something was up when she saw all my medications in the drawer at Chistmas.  On the day of my operation. I didn't want to get out of bed. That's how scared I was. I wish I could end everything right here and now. Nate decided I needed a perk up and took me to a quiet flower garden before coing back to the hospital for the operatoin. I couldn't help it. It was so beautiful. If I didn't make it today, I want to be buried with a lot of flowers. I think I said that out loud because Nate turned around with a weird look on his face. He asked what I meant by that. I said that there was a really high chance of me not waking up today from my surgery. I could see frustration on his face and I could feel the tears come out of my eyes. I told him that I would miss him a lot and that I want him to be happy and find love when I'm not there. I told him how for the past few months everyone gives me pity and I want to end it all including myself. I told him I need to just leave everything behind. I'm no help to anybody and I should just go and quit instead of trying to stay alive. It caused too much pain to others to see me like this and more to me to see them like that. He literally whipped me around and told me to never bring myself down like that ever again. When he sees me hurting, it hurts him too even if he doesn't know how it feels – he feels something else. I told him to forget it and take me home but he wouldn't let go of my arm.

 I looked up at him and his face was cold and hard – the relaxed funny Nate I loved wasn't there anymore. This was something completely different. He was whispering now "Never say that to yourself ever again. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are what has turned everything good for me. You don't know how much I've pained the past few years after breakups and not being loved by people I loved. You don't know how much I began to hate. I hated as much as I loved and more. Hate became my world. I couldn't even speak or smile for long. I pretended to be someone else when I needed to show happiness or anything good." He had taken me back outside where it was chilly and I could see the puffs of air that came out of both of us. He had tears rolling down his face. He kept going. "It's you that finally got me out of that – it was you who taught me to love again, to look at hate another way. To be responsible and look at my own decisions. It's you who I want to be with every day. To see your smile. To love things like you do. I will never let you fall into that world of hate." He told me how he had this depressing time and he couldn't get over it. He felt like everywhere he went people wanted to hurt him and kill him. He wanted to kill himself when he thought of the past.

When he was younger, he had been scrawny and always shorter than the others and not the most attractive person. He was called all these names but he grew up with that.  He learned to live through that and continued to love. He had done everything he could to show that he could be strong and he could take those tauntings. He put his anger into working out and has a body to die for. Girls never turned his way and then he suddenly had this popularity that he wasn't used to. He had pushed it away but it came back again and again and he was engrossed in it and didn't focus. He told me how much pain he's seen and he could see more inside of me. He sees those years of being stressed over things. "You need to learn to love yourself the way you taught me to love and the way I love you." He was holding me in his arms. "I love you Kate, I do. I will never think of you as a burden to my life. You are what keeps me going every day. I love you." His head was buried in the crook of my neck. After the first time he said that, he was so cautious to make sure he doesn't spill and I don't get worked up about it but these were his true feelings. He pulled back and said it again – "I love you." I looked into his eyes and said "I love you too." It definitely felt like a magical moment. I brought his head down to mine and slowly pressed my lips to his and he pressed back. It was the best thing ever. I don't care what came in the way. I had been so cautious to kiss him all this time we've been together. I would give him only the lightest peck. I loved kissing him. I felt strong. I was ready for anything. He held my hand and brought me to the car and we drove to the hospital. In the car he said I don't need to be nervous. They'll put me to sleep and after the operation, he'll come see me again. I told him that he doesn't need to worry either – I'll be fine. We got there and I changed into a hospital gown. It was time – my operation was scheduled to begin at 5.

The parents gave me hugs and kisses. Mandy and Raj walked out after joking around with me and then Nate was the only one left. He squeezed my hand and said he'll see me afterwards. He bent down and gave me a quick peck. I saw him turn and smile at me before leaving. The nurses and doctor came in then and explained the process. They were going to put me to sleep with something and give me painkillers afterward. It would take a fewhours and that's it. I saw the nurse inject me with something and a few minutes later I blanked out. Seriously, my eyes felt heavy and I could feel the dizziness in my head. My whole world went dark.