Reality's Nightmare

Reality's Nightmare [23]

Reality's Nightmare [23]

Reaching the small group of people outside the English classroom door, my heart was in my mouth, i wanted to say so many things, but i just couldn't figure them out, it wasn't the right time for some things to be said, so i held them back. It took a great effort.

'She's gone out for lunch, maybe be back in a bit, i'm not really sure'. I found something to say, explaining where i'd been and why she wasn't up here now. As soon as i'd spoken, sighs came from almost every one of them by the door. 

The smile painted on my face, was there as a distraction mostly, to hide how much i was hurting, even though all the people there could see through it and knew the reason behind it, i still tried. Loosing myself in thought, Kate suggested a new plan for lunch.

'How bout we just stay here for lunch, in case she comes back?' Her voice ,loud, carried the message down the entire corridor. Immediately, the crowd nodded, agreeing to her idea. At least we had something planned and wouldn't be floating round like loosers, not that we were loosers.

As the others were Getting out food, i stood, empty handed, standing on my heels, letting my eyes wonder down the corridor. I was slowly loosing myself as i did so, my eyes were blurring until i could barely see anything. Great, another one of those moments. I felt as if everything i'd pushed back inside of me and hidden from the world and myself, was coming out and only i could see it. Yes, strange. It was like a blackout but i could still see, even if it was the barest minimum.

'Steph?' My name was called, from the blurry vision that lay above my ,almost blind, eyes. Instead of answering, i let the comforting voice wash over my head, acting as if i hadn't heard it. All i knew is that i was still stood up, everything was just looking a bit strange. I guess i just looked like i'd disolved into a day dream, oh i wish i had.

'Steph? Are you alright?' It was the tone within the voice that brought me up from the waters of misery. My vision was still a tad hazy, but it had improved. 

Shifting from one foot to the other, i sighed, bringing my lips open slightly so i could force out a reply. 'Yeh, fine..', it wasn't much but how could i even begin to explain the weirdest moments of my life.

'Fine... has two different meanings'. At that, i put a face to the voice, it had been Kate. She'd been watching over me, and had clearly noticed when i'd gone a bit dreamy. She was right, fine had two different meanings.

'Steph....Whatsup? I know theres something'. Her tone became frantic with worry.

'Nothing, i'm good'.

'Dontlietome!' Aha. There was Kate. She could see straight through me, like i was an open book to her. Great. No privacy. Literally, she could read me like a book. I was see through to her, she could read every emotion of mine and know exactly that i was thinking. Exactly. In my opinion, it was a skill, but you'd find i'd disagreed with that when she used it on me. It was like i had no privacy. Every wall i built to hide myself away, she could knock down twice as fast.

'Its nothing, trust me. I just went a little dizzy'. We both knew it was a little bit more than nothing. But i wasn't lying, i had been feeling a little dizzy. How could i explain to her what was wrong when she looked so happy? I couldn't be the one to bring that stunning smile off her face. I wouldn't be responsible for that. I hoped i never would be.

 Thoughts flashed through my mind, of the past few days, of everything and my eyes quickly flooded with tears. I couldn't hold anyones gaze for more than a few seconds, scared of either seeing more or loosing the will to repress the tears. And i especially couldn't hold Kate's gaze when she tried to meet mine every few minutes to check if i was okay. I knew i wouldn't be able to lie again and say i was okay, because we both knew i was far from it.

'Steph, you cannot keep pretending like this. Please, eat something'. Her concern made me smile slightly. I'd have given anything to reject her demand, eating was the last thing on my mind, it didn't matter to me anymore, other things were more important. But i couldn't bare for her to think i'd given up hope, because i hadn't. She was trying to help, the more i let her, the better things would get; Hopefully.

 Following her orders, i pulled a packet of crisps out of my bag; I was going to eat, just not much. Placing my now shaking hand inside the packet, i pulled out some of its contents and raised my hand to my lips.

Eating, didn't make me feel that much better, but it felt good to know i wasn't letting Kate down, i was doing something she wanted. I was letting her help me.

Finally, she averted her gaze from me, to focus on something else on the corridor. Breathing a sigh of relief, i placed the food back in my bag, making a mental note to eat them later as i wasn't hungry anymore. Thankfully, she didn't turn back to me for a good few minutes; once again, her eyes left mine with the thought that i'd eaten the whole packet. Far from it.

Still standing at the end of the empty corridor, i left the conversation, once again standing on the outskirts, just wondering, generally thinking about everything. It wasn't unusual, quite common with me at that point. However, the bell interrupted my train of thought, bringing me round from my state of deep thought and back int reality. Everyone was beginningto gather together their things and groan about having to go to science for next lesson. i'll admit, i hated science as much as the next person, in fact, probably more, but i was too lost in thought to be bothered.

Despite my bitter hate toward science, i was determined to actually get something done this lesson rather than once again, loose myself in a train of thought that i'd struggle to get out of.

Sighing, we all strolled down the stairs, out of the main block and towards the science corridor. It was near enough the end of the day; the thought wasn't overly thrilling either. In fact, it forced me slowly into a state of panic and curiosity. But it wasn't a thought i wanted to pursue too much; over thinking it would be too much to cope with.

My determination for the lesson ahead soon faded when i took up my seat by Becca, i could hardly stay miserable and concetrated when i was around her, it just wasn't possible.