Reality's Nightmare

Reality's Nightmare [5]

Reality's Nightmare [5]

I shivered as i remembered sitting in the same seat, about 6 days ago. The same night they found the text's. His words rang out in my ears.

'If things don't change, ill overdose you myself.'

His exact words. Tears came rushing down my face as i the memory hit me. And he wondered why I'd said it in the first place. I hugged my knee's closer, my eyes closed and the past replayed in my head. His eyes were full of anger as he spoke. Mine and my mom's face were full of tears. I had more reason, she hadn't been feeling like this for at least a month.

'Your tearing this family apart'. His cold words filled my head with lies. He didn't care when he was tearing me apart, so why should i care that i was apparently tearing the whole family apart. He didn't see what he'd done wrong. Everyone could see it except the people in the house. He'd left me feeling so low and he just couldn't see it. I wouldn't feel like that for no reason.

He couldnt see the way he'd made me feel. He couldnt see how he'd burned my future before my own eyes. He'd done everything to put me off any idea's i might have had for my future. Putting me down until i no longer beleived in myself. I'd lost all signs of confidence and faith toward myself. I felt weak, like he'd taken all control of my life. If it wasn't what he wanted, it was completly wrong.

He made me sound crazy. My heart pounded and my head ached as the words rang in my ears. They'd been there ever since he said them. I was terrified. What if he dicided to go through with the threat.

More memories came flooding back as i whiped away the tears on my face, they were soon replaced by fresh ones. The day after, was different to what i was used to. I'd spent half the day, in tears. I hated the thought of coming back after the day was done. Anything could happen, and no one would know. Kate and Rebecca had told Miss C  (our english teacher)  what happened. And at lunch, She went and saw the councillor. The lesson after lunch, i'd spent half of it with the councillor. I couldnt say anything at all when i first got there. I'd spent the last few day's pouring my heart out, over everything, to my english teacher. I didnt know if i could do it again to a complete stranger. I was scared beyond belief.  I looked at my english teacher, i told her i couldnt. Because i didnt know her. I didnt know where to start. I'd already done all of this before, asking for help from someone i knew was bad enough. But doing it all again with a complete stranger, frightened me.

My english teacher sat there for about ten minutes. I was kind of annoyed with her for making me do all this again. But i realised,  She was trying to help me. The anger towards her, faded to nothing. If i wanted all this to go away, i had to do this. And i did want all of this to go away. My heart had been broken for so long, i just wanted everything to be like they used to be. I couldnt do it on my own.

I hated the councillor. Pam. She had spoken to me like i was about 6 years old.  I hated the women. But i tried to like her because i so badly wanted to feel better. She made me so angry. She slowly added to the anger the whole time i'd sat there, but she told me how to realease it, let go of it. I had been told to go back and see her next week but on thursday this time. I really didnt want to go back.

But the week gone by had proved me wrong. Yesterday had proved me wrong. My english teacher had found out i'd been self harming. Again. And she'd sent me down to the head of year, even after i'd said i didnt want to go. Kate went with me. I hadnt felt like going through everything for a third time. I wasnt even going to tell her about my wrist. But i was too late. Miss C already had. But she didnt have to know about the overdose talk, so i didnt tell her. Nobody did.

After yesterday, i'd had all night to think about weather i wanted to go back to the councillor. And this morning, i'd woken up and decided. I was going to go back, because i had no other way of helping myself out of any of this.

 Each memory played back in my head. Making my head spin. The still shone. it crept forward with each memory playback. Blinding anything in its path. My wrist ached, even thought it'd been at least a week since i'd last done anything. I didnt intend to do anything in the future either.

My heart raced as i came out of the memories and returned to the nightmare called reality. It amazed me how i could remember everything that'd gone by it great detail. I thought it would have all been washed away by now, the amount of tears i'd cried. The heartache certainly hadnt gone with it, i knew that much.

Part of me was looking forward to the day ahead of me. As long as i wasnt here, i could half pretend everything was okay. Even when everyone know it wasnt.

Another set of footsteps followed my racing heart. Mum. Once again, i streched a smile across my lips and got ready to play happy familes.