Reality's Nightmare

Reality's Nightmare [19]

Reality's Nightmare [19]

We left straight away. As if in a rush. But we had plenty of time. The only thing i had to do before tutor was get my planner signed. To give permission to my teacher for leaving lesson. I wish i'd never admitted to anyone that there was a problem. My shoulders were shaking with fear. I didn't know what was going to happen with the councillor and to be honest, i didn't ever wantto find out. Tears began to glaze over my green eyes. But i couldn't let them spill. They could wrap my eyes in sadness as much as they wanted. But i'd vowed to not give in. Not yet. Not while anyone and everyone could see me. I was doing as well as i could to assure them that i was okay. Perfectly fine. I didn't wantto go backwards and give up all the effort i'd put in to making them believe.

I swallowed. Swallowing my pride, and my fear. Hearing them land in my empty stomach. It rumbled as i thought. Letting everything escape from my heart. I'd forgotten the whole not eating thing until that moment. But the sound reminded me of it. I lent forward slightly, trying to dim or block out the sound. No one had to know i was still suffering. It was my problem. And no matter how much i hated it, i had to deal with it. By myself because all anyone could do to help me was talk to me and listen while i went on and on about my feelings. I desperately didn't want the pace to increase. Every footstep that came from every single person on the way to school, added to the pain and fear i was feeling. I was growing anxious. And nervous beyond belief. More nervous that i had ever been before.

The conversation buzzed around me. But i wasn't taking in anything that was being said properly. My mind had grown legs again. Walking away from me just like all my hopes of happiness. All of these mixed feelings were starting to drive me crazy. The lack of self control was adding to the feeling.

It seemed as if i'd zoned out for the entire walk to school. Too lost in my thoughts to realise where i was going, my surroundings or the state of the conversation. I just couldn't pick it up. My hands were too cold to grip anything. Including my thoughts. Everything was dropping to the bottom of an empty pit. Now too fast for me to do anything about it. My reflex's were not that sharp.

I had no self confidence at all. Not anymore. It'd all been washed away. Straight down the drain. For what looked like forever. The past was haunting me. Like a ghost, clinging to my heart. Reminding me of every painful memory. Adding one more cut to my heart every day. I wish my hands would hurry up and gain the blood back, giving my numb body the feelings back. Giving me the ability to grip onto everything and anything i wanted. I wanted to drag it back into my heart. Leaving it there forever. Keeping me sane.

Reaching the gates, i felt as if i'd just walked into sanity. Safety. It was like the sun came up inside my head. Promising me all those things i'd heard before. But they sounded real. Sincerity pounded through the voice that was getting comfortable inside my head. Dragging the sun across the dark sky. Illuminating it before my blind eyes. Hiding all of the misery. Leaving the sun in its place. I do love the sun. It will always hold those inspirational words for me. Now and forever.

However, as i felt like i'd been dragged into the safest place on earth, The surrounding faces gave a different message. As if they'd been transported into the worst place on earth. The place they longed to avoid. The place i longed to be every day. Constantly wishing away the hours until i landed here every morning.

My head felt dizzy with nerves. The anxiety feeling launched back into me. I felt sick to my stomach. My whole body felt dizzy. As if i was going to collapse at any moment. I couldn't stand this feeling. It was like nothing i'd ever felt before. Each time, it was a feeling i never wanted to feel again. But it always managed to repeat itself. Over and over. Each time feeling more intense than the last. Knocking me even more dizzy than normal. Today was one of the worst. It felt as if i couldn't stand up. At all. My knees felt weak. Shoulders shaking, i kept my back straight and head high. Putting a huge amount of effort in, i muttered under my breathe. Just loud enough for Kate to hear, next to me.