Reality's Nightmare

Reality's Nightmare [22]

Dedication.

Thank you for suggesting it. For making me go. For all those times when you were there. For trying to help me. And i am sorry your not there now. I am sorry i let you down all of those times. I'm sorry for the consequences and the way it all ended.

Steph <3

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Reality's Nightmare [22]

 After wiping my eyes so many times, they were red and puffy, And after many questions, sighs and sympathetic looks, Me and Kate left the room. The bell had gone for break a few minutes earlier and Pam had said she didn't think i could cope with much more talking for this week. For once, she was right. I couldn't. I'd had enough and now just wanted some time to think. Not worried about my eyes, i smiled, and was first to leave the room. I just couldn't wait to get out of there. Sheer irritation had struck me and i had to admit that i didn't know what to do with myself.

 Pam had suggested that i was full of rage at the moment and that i'd find it would take me a while to calm down fully because the anger was just sat inside of me. I'd nodded most the way through her speech. But she broke my thought pattern with a question. 'Think that's about right?'

 I sighed. Because actually, i disagreed. I looked up, forcing myself to hold her gaze but desperatlywanting to let go. 'I wouldn't say it was rage, i'd say anger but not so strong that it would be counted as rage'. I'd never have before used 'Rage' to describe my feelings. I'd have said more along the lines of, anger mixed up with hurt and pain.

 'Well, okay then. But have you thought what your feeling might be H....'

 I cut her off before she could even finish her sentence. I knew what was coming next. Hormones. Yeah, i knew that could be an option. But i also knew exactly what i was feeling even if i didn't know exactly what was causing it. It made it sound as if i was completely confused and all of these feelings weren't real. If they weren't real, how could they be hurting me so much. They wouldn't be if they weren't real.

 'I've heard that excuse before. I know exactly what i'm feeling'. She didn't seem shocked by my snap. It hadn't meant to come out the way it did. I was just feeling angry and yeah, very confused. But that didn't for a second mean I didn't know what I was feeling. Because I did. Now, it was rage. Rage because she'd ever suggested it. The negative things about Pam were beginning to over power the positive, sending them into the shadows where they weren't visible anymore. My parents had used that excuse before and i didn't want to be reminded of it.

Many questions later, she finally got to the point of todays meeting.

'Stephanie...' She hesitated. Striking fear straight through me. I desperately wanted to know what was on the other end of the sentence. But i wasn't sure if i wanted to hear it. I sat back in the blue chair, glancing at Kate as i did so. She picked up the glance and returned with a beaming smile. Reassuring me. Maybe things would be okay. But i hadn't a clue at that point. I wanted to believe her. I really did. But things ending on a positive note just didn't seem possible.

'....I want to know what you see in the mirror, because that could be the problem. The image you have of yourself'.

Something i never thought i'd say, but i thought she was right. Maybe i was the problem. Full stop. But her being right, didn't stop the irritation she would always carry for me.

Instead of giving her an answer, i just shrugged my shoulders. I was too lost in thought to answer her. So i let actions take over. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. But words hurt me more than actions.