Reality's Nightmare

Reality's Nightmare [9]

Reality's Nightmare [9] 

Resentment is a very powerful thing. And at that moment, i was begining to resent every breath i took. Every beat my heart made. Every word i spoke. Because i didnt want any of those things to happen. I wanted to stop breathing. For my heart to stop beating. For my lips to stop talking. Because it was killing me. Deep down, every day got to me. It was like a stab in the back from a friend. Completely uneeded and unwanted.

 I sat, staring into space as the world moved around me. Everyone launched into motion as the school bell went off. Another long day ahead of me. No doubt, a day full of depression and fake smiles. I didn't often hold out hope for a postive ending to the day either. I was all out of hope. It was all gone. For good? I hoped not.

 I eventually dragged myself up, rising slowly, above the depression. Knowing damn well i'd fall straight back down into it soon enough. But still, i had to try. But there was only so many time i'd be able to try. That i'd want to try again.

 'If at first you don't succeed, try again'. I'd failed many time by now. It was starting to get old. So was life, if i was honest. Everything just seemed to want to hurt me. Make me drown. It felt like everyone wanted to see me cry. I knew that was far from true. But i couldn't stop the thoughts.

 I smiled as i strolled down the corridoor. Maths. I wasn't fussed about the lesson. I just generally didn't like the subject. But it didn't get to me like most things in life. I didn't have enough worry left in me to fuss about lessons, i just got on with it. It's not worth the fuss unless its serious. My grades had been dropping recently. I knew they had in english anyway. Miss C had told me. I wasn't pleased. And i'd try to fix them, But there were other things that needed attention right now. Somethings more inportant than others. My  

future ment the world to me. But it was the last thing on my mind when my dad had decided to destroy most of it with words.

 Just lately, word's hurt a hell of a lot more than actions. It wasn't suppoused to be like that. I felt like my world had been completely turned upside down. And i hated the thought of it. It made me feel sick at the stomache. Really ill. I just hated it.  

With a burning passion.

 I shuffled into math in complete silence. The smile was begining to wear thin. It just dropped away. I lost it. With no idea where it was. Gone forever. Oh well. Maybe i'd find it eventually. Maybe i wouldn't. I just didnt know anymore.

 Everyone else sooned filled the room. I was trying to block everything out. I just wanted to be on my own. Separated from the rest of the world. Just me and my thoughts. But there was no way i could be on my own. I'd hurt myself. I knew it. I'd just upset myself with thoughts, so much, that i needed to let off steam. It was the only way i knew how just lately. I knew it was wrong. But something i just couldn't help.

 The lesson started. Me and chelsey sat at the front. I was glad i didn't have to sit on my own and chelsey knew a lot about what was going on at home and everything, but sometimes, she didn't understand. I didn't expect her to. It was me that was suffering. Not her. I wasn't happy it was me. But i was glad someone else wasn't feeling like this. Because nobody deserved what I was feeling right now.

I tried to concentrate. But somehow, my mind grew legs and had walked away and compleetly left me. Taking a piece of my heart with it. Nothing was making sense in my head. Maybe that's because there wasn't any room to remember anything else.  

Time wasn't passing as fast as I thought it would've. I thought the clock hands would fly by each hour. Letting sparks fly as they did so. But they stayed still. Barely moving. Mocking me. I smiled. Things were dragging. Just what I wanted. But I was terrified incase they sped up and wished my whole day away.

I scribbled the answers down onto my paper in such a rush, constantly keeping an eye on the time. I just didn't want the day to end. I felt happy, a tiny bit more relaxed. And I loved the feeling. I knew my mood would come crashing down as soon as I went 'home', so I needed to make the most of it. Enjoy it while it lasted. Because it'd be gone in the blink of an eye. 

I sighed. I was panicking, only slightly. I couldn't stop the clock from moving too fast. So there was no point wishing I could.

Everything in my life was so out of sync. It just didn't match up properly anymore. It was like i'd lost so many of the pieces for the jigsaw puzzle, i didn't know what the picture was suppoused to be anymore.

For the last ten mintues of the lesson, i sat staring into space. I was all over the place. I couldn't think straight because nothing was making sense to me. Maybe it never would. Maybe i'd never find half the stuff i was missing. Because it'd been taken from me. Not lost. Maybe it was gone for good. But the worst part was, i blamed myself. I'd pushed him over the edge, made him say what he did. I couldn't remember for the life of me how i'd done it. But there had to be a reason. My world couldn't have been turned upside down for no reason. It was crazy. Life was crazy and i was begining to hate every second of it.

The bell for break went. Everyone began to file out. But i felt so numb, i just couldn't bring myself to move. Maybe feeling hurt and suffering was better than feel numb. I couldn't imagine myself with no emotions. Not crying over the situation. Not feeling hatrid towards my life, and to my dad.

I hated the words. Dad. He'd destroyed a few months of my life. Time i'd spent suffering, hating, crying. Time i would never be able to get back. He and I both knew it.

He thought i owed him everything. Because he'd given me a roof over my head. Raised me. Yeh, Raised me to be something i despised. Given me a roof that i hated. A roof that i hoped would collapse on me. And leave me, to spend my last moments there. Thats what i really felt like. And i think i was the only one who really knew that.

Eventually, my head took over. Instructing my feet to move. Like little army soldiers. I left the now deserted class room and went out into the miserable corridoor. One more lesson of math. Then i'd got english. I usually loved english. Like i said before. A passion of mine. But just lately, i'd lost all interest in everything. Because i was so wrapped up in trying to solve the puzzle's that life threw at me.  A few days ago, I'd noticed my passion's were burning away. So i'd promised myself, English was the one thing i was determined to keep alive. Even if it was the only thing. I had to keep carrying on with this. It was the only thing that distracted me, even a tiny bit.

I walked slowly down the corridoor. dodging people with every movement. It was starting to get on my nerves. I'd gotten a very short temper recently. Before now, it had taken a lot to make me angry. But now, the fuse was getting short.

When i reached set one's math class, i waited. It didn't take long for the the class to come out in a group. Becca came toward me and we walked away from the group. God know's where we were going. I didn't paticularly like break anymore. It gave me time to think. I much prefered to stay in lessons. Try and stay disracted. I'd much rather sit in english all day. Like i said, it was the only thing that kept my mind away from things. Away from my threatening thoughts. Away from my tears. Away from anything i could do to hurt myself. Away from reality. Thats what i was scared of.

My dad was reality. 'Home' was reality. Tear's and suffering were becoming a part of my reality. And i hated it. I hated myself, for feeling this way. I hated myself for being so weak. I hated myself for being alive. It sounds Silly. But i couldn't help how i really felt. I wished i could. But if i'd learnt one thing over the past month, wishing doesn't and will never change anything.