Whatever It Takes

Chapter 37 - They Were The Monsters

As you pull up closer to the farmhouse you're welcomed by the sight of Thor disappearing into the sky, also catching Steve's eye as you get off the bike. "Is that mine?" he grumbles; you can see his eyes are slightly clouded, clearly still fighting off whatever Maximoff had made him see.

"Don't worry Cap, didn't get a scratch on her." You stretch after your long journey before heading up the stairs towards him, throwing him the keys. "Is Nat inside?"

You're met at the door by a heavily pregnant woman. "And you must be Sasha?" she grins at you, while you stand there completely shocked, before Barton makes an appearance, smiling like an idiot at the look on your face.

"Yes, she is!" he laughs, pulling you in to see a dishevelled team standing around gawking. Nat doesn't meet your eye, looking down at the floor, pain etched on her face. "This is my wife Laura." You reach over, shaking her hand, while she continues to smile at you. Suddenly a flash of colour darts into Nat's arms, finally making her smile.

"AUNTIE NAT!" The little girl coos, while Nat holds her tightly - both breaking and warming your heart. You had no idea that this had been going on behind the scenes; it was beautiful to see, but you were slightly hurt that you had never known about any of this.

"And that's my kids," Barton laughs, placing a protective hand over Laura's stomach. You furrow your brows, still slightly confused at the whole situation. A lump still in your throat at the vision of Nat holding the little girl, makes you realise you haven't said anything. "Relax Volkova, they don't bite. Now get in here and give me a hand with this lot." He grabs your arm, pulling you straight to the kitchen, his wife following you.

***

Once you've helped Laura prepare food and drinks for everyone, she hands you some clothes to take up to Nat, whose avoided you completely since you arrived. Just as you get ready to walk into the bathroom you overhear her deep in conversation with someone. "Natasha, where can I go? Where in the world am I not a threat?" You hear Bruce's voice, completely filled with fear and self-hatred. A similar tone to the one he had back in New York when you had tried to convince him to come back and help the team.

"You're not a threat to me." Nat replies to him, making you press your ear closer to the door, giving you mixed feelings once again. Why hadn't Nat told you how she had felt about Bruce? She had pressed you so hard about your relationship with Sam, but still you were glad that she was moving on with her life.

"You sure?" Bruce almost bites back, making you wary of his tone. Perhaps out of the whole team he had been the most affected by the Maximoff girl; the twisted face of the Hulk had been completely different from the one you had first met in New York. "Even if...there's no future with me." His response to her breaks your heart. "Kids? Do the math Nat, I physically can't."

Once again you can feel your heart breaking. You weren't 100% sure but you can imagine what's racing through Nat's mind right now. It was a conversation that neither of you had had with each other; preferring to build each other up rather than discuss the past too much these days. "Neither can I." You hear her, but barely as she mumbles. You can tell this conversation is breaking her heart, because Bruce is rejecting her - it's how you felt this morning when you were talking to Sam. "In the Red Room, where Sasha and I were trained, or I guess you should say raised, they uh, have a graduation ceremony."

Instantly your mind flashes back to that day; the squeaky wheels of the gurney as you are ushered to the operating theatre, the way the lights burned your eyes as you tried to focus on them, the way your heart almost burst out of your chest in pure terror. Tears start to flow down your face as you can remember it all as though it was yesterday. "They sterilise you," Nat continues. "It's efficient," she half laughs before describing the reasons why. "It makes everything easier, even killing." She once again gives a nervous laughter. "You still think you're the only monster on the team?"

It's like a knife has been thrust into your chest as she uses those words, for more than one reason. Forgetting that this was a private conversation, you burst through the door, surprising both. Your eyes are focused on Nat, not even comprehending how Bruce might be feeling as he slips out the door behind you.

"Sasha?" She questions, wiping the tears away from her face. "That was a private conversation..."

"So what part of us are monsters? You want to clarify that to me?" She throws her head back in anger and heads to the bathroom. "Are we monsters because we can't have kids? Because they TOOK our choice away? Because they violated us?"

"I'm not talking about this with you," She sighs, getting undressed and jumping in the shower while you follow her in.

"Oh hell yes you are! I want the truth Nat," Anger rising. "Why are we monsters?"

"I NEVER SAID YOU WERE!" She yells, "I SAID I WAS! WHAT I DID! WHAT THEY MADE ME DO!" She breaks down completely, sliding down the wall. "I tried so hard to fail." She sobs. "But she wouldn't let me fail." You can almost see Madame B standing in the doorway, smirking at you both. "I thought if I failed they wouldn't do that to me, that I'd escape it."

You sit beside her on the floor as she nods, tears of both frustration and heartbreak still flowing. "I'm sorry, it's just the way you were talking to Bruce..." You pause before continuing. "It sounded like you were calling yourself that because of not being able to have this, what Barton has." You wrap an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to you; the first time you've had to comfort her - normally she was always the stronger one. "I got angry because I couldn't believe you'd think that of yourself. What they did to us does not make us monsters. They were the monsters."

"Does it ever bother you?" Nat finally asks after a while. "The graduation ceremony." You think back to Nat's smile as Barton's daughter had run into her arms; having a family was something you hadn't ever really considered, or thought about.

"It hurts," You admit. "They took our choices away from us. All of them." You shake your head. "I never considered what it actually meant. I guess I just tried to bury it all." Wiping the tears away from your face with your sleeve, you try to put into words how you truly feel. "After finding out about HYDRA and Barnes, I've never thought about anything else."

"How could you not think about it?" Nat asks, but her tone is gentle. "How have you been able to let it go?"

"I haven't. But I've had something else to fight for. Something to get me through all the pain, the anguish, the hurt and the guilt." You think back to the night before, thinking about Sam, how his friendship and care for you had made you see that you were not the thing they had turned you into. "And I've got to look to the future. Got to see that I'm more than what they made me." You then start to think about Barnes, wondering if he's out there somewhere, determination still kicking in that you need to find him. More than ever since reading Strucker's file.

"It hurts Sasha," Nat sobs again. "Knowing that I can't ever have..." She stops herself. You can't answer her, both of you having different thoughts about having children; you accepting it, Nat never being able to let it go. You simply hold her as she cries, telling you the vision that had been streamed through her mind by Maximoff.