RUBY

Chapter Thirteen: Can't Afford Love

"We run in trails of pain and seek out the pleasure when we can't afford love".

ＬＩＳＡ' Ｓ　ＰＯＶ　び央ハ

"The games begin, but I end up running away in the end. I'm indeed far darker, than what I write, than what they see, Jisoo. But I wouldn't want to scare them away, just giving them a small taste, so they can get addicted". I admitted and broke the eye contact.

It felt like my heart was going to stop at some point.

I still desire her.

I still desire Ruby.

Jisoo nodded and took a sip of her drink, still oblivious about the situation I'm in with the girl across from me, who stood by the billiard with the other men who were laughing and hungrily staring at her.

Something about that irritated me.

"Sometimes vanilla is just a facade to what is truly the most dark and exciting thing you can feel—the pleasure and satisfaction you can get from it, can't suffice nor can you begin to describe how it is. True lust is a dark void itself, the deeper the Lust the more invigorating it is for my soul and the demons that is feeding on those kinds of feelings".

As Jisoo continued, the men around Ruby continued to stare, but her eyes weren't even on them. It was on mine. Fire playing with fire, and I'm the empty road to the temptation she holds.

"Addiction starts with small doses at a time, and once you're truly in there you can never be satisfied but what you initially know". Jisoo's words darkened, just like the light in this bar.

I nodded and muttered, "I agree, but wanna know something?".

"What?".

Then I smiled.

"I let their moans, their whines, feed on my ego. I don't need to get high, knowing that I drive them crazy, that itself puts a smile on my face. I become a sinner to them, but never a slave to their emotions, Jisoo".

"Holy shit, Authornim came out". She commented as we started to laugh.

I noticed Ruby staring but she looked away just like that, and fiercely focused on the Knightshot Cue stick, she had in hand. I licked my lips and allowed myself to desire her by my eyes, "I surrender to the darkness, let me take them, as I hope they love me for who I am, but love is never my intention".

"Way to play with emotions, Lisa-ya". Jisoo smiled back.

"Indeed, just like that, Vanilla is a concept that is at its gentle, tender levels. it doesn't match the excitement of getting choked for example, and being close to tasting death. or touching them slowly.. seeing the desperation in their eyes".

Ruby's lips parted, the more I spoke. She was trying to read my face.

"I lust for them, and they try to fill the void inside of me, but none of them can. Cause in the end of the day, I'm alone with my demons".

"The demons that they play with. I truly, will never get satisfied". I bitterly said, seeing how when Ruby leaned down to hit the ball, men were staring.

Jisoo agreed, "Exactly, not being satisfied and honestly, Lisa. I'm someone who is never easily satisfied with what they can offer to me. I guess in that way, you can make them feel that they are adored and that you want them. It's completely different from 'need', wants are what we find ideal and perfect, but needs are a necessity and feeding our demons and desires are what we need".

"You texted me while you were in Japan in the red district having your fun. How was it?". I smirked and waited for her answer.

"Oh, don't even get me started. That place is like heaven. You get to pick and choose who you want to have fun with for the night, there is even coffee sex shops". The dreamy woman beside me said, with full passion.

I shouldn't be surprised, it's Jisoo.

My partner in crime, after Chaeyoung. Speaking of her, I miss church girl. But she would never come to a bar like this, she would feel like some evil spirits are haunting her. I bet she would bring the bible to protect herself from the sinning in this place.

But it's useless.

Chaeyoung doesn't know what real fun is. I feel like Jisoo might just change her mind.

"So you've been traveling a lot for scientific gay reasons huh?".

Jisoo nodded, "Haunting for good pussy, always".

"Are you sure eating chicken isn't affecting you?". I cocked a brow.

"Oh please, it's activating those hormones, Lisaya".

I laughed as she spoke once again, "But those sinful sounds that come out from them rejuvenate my sinful soul so much".

"Pleasuring them is pleasuring myself, lust is indeed a strong emotion, but I don't want them to misunderstand that lust is love. I'm greedy when it comes to pleasure but I'm also picky, you get me?".

I nodded at her understandingly, "Of course you would be picky, you're the Kim Jisoo after all. Satan in the form of a human, always in love with chicken and pussy".

The Korean grinned at me, "Got that right".

I took my second shot and watched Ruby's arm around some guy, laughing and joking around. I'm sure she's fully aware that I was watching. Of course, she wouldn't care. We are both strangers, who shared the same hunger once.. maybe I still feel the strong want when it comes to her.

I clenched my jaw and muttered my next words carefully. "But yes, I get you". I turned to Jisoo, "Making them feel wanted. There is nothing more crazy for them than to lust for someone and want them. It's basically sins in exchange for sins. I find pleasure, in making them come myself".

My eyes trailed on Ruby's body.

"Lust is to crave, want.. but in return you make them need you, not just want you. To them, they don't just lust. They start to want more, crave for more, and a broken, hopeless soul like mine, can't afford love".

I gulped hard and pretended to not be affected by the scene in front of me.

The man kissed on her jaw.

"I can't afford love, Jisoo".