Emotional Suicide || [EDITING]

Chapter 1

Ajax Carter . My first actual boyfriend.  For once im not living in a world where everything is just fiction and fairytales . A real live boy dating me , May Valentine? I know im shocked too .

Just last week noone even noticed me much less cared to pay attention to me or anything that concerned me , not even my bestfriend who is my now boyfriend took time out of his day to check on his "freakshow" bestfriend who is a walking talking disaster because of her recent diagnosis of depression. 

Am i really to blame because im depressed , i mean thats not really something that i can control even if i tried , and with a life like mine who wouldn't be depressed?

Oh her life is perfect , shes dating the quarter back why is she even complaining?  Imagine the force and strength it takes for that one single tackle in the middle of that championship game , the motion , velocity,  force all being put into one aim , the home run .

That strength of that one quarterback being channeled to hurt this one girl .his own girl , me . As hes fists rush to my face somehow everything around me disappears , everything around me seems to be irrelevant as i see his swift punches come at me in slow motion . Hell of an oxymoron isn't it ?

Why cant you just leave him May ? I wish it were that easy , everytime i even somewhat have the courage to leave i see a glinmer of hope a slight change in his behaviour , he starts to show me love as if realising my intentions, i cant help loving him .

He wasn't always like this , when my parents first started having marital issues he was there for me , when they would fight all through the night i would go over to his house and we would just lay in his bed until i finally stopped crying .

Eventually,  that friendship turned into a crush and from a crush that i tried to suppress but the fact that he felt the same way brought a sense of happiness to me , a sense of calmness , he became my safe place . Until he got that quaterback position and started using me as a human punching bag .

I look at him sometimes and wonder if i mean anything to him , am i a game ? Does he even love me ? And even worse i always cover up for his ass , noone has to know what he does to me but me . And i guess thats why i can never seem to leave .

It really helps that his good looking , it puts me at ease sometimes. He has abs for days , really vissible muscles  and a million dollar smile . I know exactly what ive gotten myself into with this guy . I mean his a real chick magnet but i need the distraction anyway .

As if depression isn't enough , ive also had anxiety for as long as i can remember. Ah my sweet morning thoughts before a long hard day of school .

Except im late and the introspection has to be cut short .
I get out of bed with no enthusiasm whatsoever,  i mean what is there to be happy about ?

I open the shower in my turquoise themed bathroom and let it steam up while i make my bed , carefully folding the dotted aquamarine duvet up to the clean white pillows . Blue is my favourite colour incase that wasn't obvious. 

I take a quick shower and straighten my natural curls , ive always resonated with my white side so ive never really worn my curls besides when i was little , plus my moms always to busy to teach me about my black heritage.
Subsequently , i put on an oversized grey hoodie and a pair of short shorts and rush outside , get into my white jeep and start to drive as if my life depends on it , but not like this is my first time being late